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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 162: "PLAY THE MUSIC QUIZ. ELSE WE'LL SET FIRE TO YOUR SHOES"

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This Week:
* MUSIC - Infinite music quiz
* PRIZES - Signed Weebl DVDs
* CATS - Can you find the "vet wanks cat" vid?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 162 - 10 Dec 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue162/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Pop Quiz, Wine Experiments, Benches

  >> Infinite music quiz <<
  Chthonic and Rob have been beavering away for
  months to bring you the biggest game of "Name
  That Tune" you've ever played. Type in any band
  name you can think of. Really. Any of them.
  Chthonic writes - "this really is quite
  staggeringly great. OK I'm biased, but this is
  just so fantastic." Then he drooled for a bit.
http://www.chthonicionic.net/whatsthatsong/


  >> Weebl DVD competition <<
  Jonti has made a DVD collecting together much
  of his Weebl & Bob work together with some
  special treats, including a behind-the-scenes
  documentary narrated by Brian Blessed, a
  director's commentary, and all the episodes
  remastered for wide screen.

  We've got two signed copies to give away,
  so to win one, simply complete the phrase:
  "I'd like to bum Jonti because...."
  Send your answers to:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

  And if you fancy buying the DVD then please,
  be our guest:
https://store.wobblandbob.com/view_product.php?product=1 


  >> Neighbours from hell <<
  You wouldn't want to live next door to boarder
  Fat Marrow. He's been sabotaging the estate
  agents' signs. Very rude. Very amusing.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4038245


  >> Posh wine investigation <<
  "I've been doing experiments in Tesco," mumbles
  Itchy Squirrel. "My tests have proven that you
  can price up a bottle of wine just by feeling
  it. I did graphs and everything, and I didn't
  get told off." We love stuff like this. More
  please.
http://www.itchysquirrel.com


  >> "You've won a bench!" <<
  "Hi, I'm Elbonio", intones Elbonio darkly. "B3ta
  included my singing Mount Rushmore in issue 155
  of the newsletter. I have something else you
  might be interested in. I have given away a
  bench to a complete stranger." Blimey. This is
  a HUGE video download, not brilliantly filmed,
  but it really tickled us at 3 in the morning.
  It's got that stoner quality of "hey imagine
  how freaked out people would be if we just
  knocked on their door and gave them a bench."
http://www.congratulationsyouhavewonabench.com/


  >> Instant spaz glasses <<
  B3ta reader GrandmaOfShoes writes, "My team
  won the pub quiz at one of the locals. The
  prize was 20 quid each and a lucky dip in the
  'lost and found'. I searched for a while and
  discovered a pair of glasses." Woo. And then
  GrandmaOfShoes got everyone in the pub to 
  wear them, making them look like the biggest
  bunch of scopers you've ever seen. Lovely
  stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/sunshinevarietycoachbigdayout/


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: B3TA APPEAL
  Help find "vet wanks cat with toothbrush" video

  A B3ta visitor has emailed us to let us know 
  about the reason he dropped out of vet school.

  He writes, "During my first class the
  instructor showed us a video of scientists
  researching the sexual response of the common
  domestic house-cat."

  It appears the best way of doing this is by 
  creating a kitty vibrator using a latex
  moulding kit and an electric toothbrush. 

  "This seemed to do the trick, as within 20
  seconds each cat was wailing and arching their
  rump up for more toothbrush lovin'."

  Any veterinary science lecturers out there have
  a copy of this? We'd like to see it. We think
  it's a video the internet needs to see.


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Stories of The Lost

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we wanted you to tell us of things you
  lost over the years:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lost/

  Here's some of our favourite stories. The first
  one is great just for what it doesn't explain:
  
  #1 Pubes
     "Worried I'd be bored on the bus into town to
     go drinking with my mates, I took my nice new
     300 quid mp3 player with me. It was only when
     I got off the bus back home again I realised
     "Fuck, I had a bag didn't I?"
	 
     Contents of bag:
       1 300 pound mp3 player 
       1 small bag of weed
       1 small bag of pubic hair, in a clear
       plastic bag with a stamp and address label.
	 
     Guess which two items I never saw again and
     which was carefully posted to me two weeks
     later?" (tom wyatt)
     
  #2 Best phone ever...
    "Ages ago, when GSM mobiles were still pretty
    new, I got a Nokia 1610. After owning the phone
    for a couple of months (and hardly daring to
    use it because of the ridiculous call costs) I
    realised that I still hadn't received a bill:
    Vodafone had lost my account on their system.
    Two years later, I was still "renting" it for a
    fiver a night to the Indian students next door.
    Inevitably, getting into a boat, I leaned
    forward, and with a sickening plop it
    disappeared into the unsanitary depths. I spent
    hours of wading about in the filthy water looking
    for my magic mobile." (ilikewatchingtv)
     
  #3 D'oh...
    "I once found a 20 quid note on the floor of
    a bar next to my feet... in my glee I treated
    everyone to a round of lovely cocktails. Only
    when I got home did I find that I had lost 20
    pounds out of my wallet... Dammit." (Jospanna)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to confess to your childhood bad
  taste. It's OK. We won't laugh too much.
http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Trucker's Luck <<
  We're not sure exactly how this boy racer's car
  ended up in the sea, but we enjoyed watching
  Walsh Recovery Service's attempts to get it
  out again. Expensive mayhem, with cranes.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/apmeh/92709.html


  >> Sex education animation <<
  God bless the BBC. Who else would commission a
  crazed teenage sexual-health video called
  'Funny Flaps' in the name of public service
  broadcasting?
http://snipurl.com/funnyflaps


  >> Cartoon character skeletons << 
  Ever wondered how Hello Kitty actually works?
  Well wonder no more. Michael Paulus has created
  detailed skeletal diagrams of your favourite
  cutesy Japanese feline, and many others
  besides. Charlie Brown is particularly scary
  looking.
http://michaelpaulus.com/gallery/character-Skeletons


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: HUMAN ZOO
  Pirate Wedding

  B3ta contributor Fraser demands, "Come look at
  the wedding of a guy-at-work's ex-colleague."
  Hundreds of photos of the happy couple dressed
  as pirates. Ha ha ha ha ha. They look funny.
http://sail.to/thechristowedding


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Trawling the depths of a sea of fluff

  We've been out hunting for cute again. Dunno
  why we bother with the rest of the newsletter,
  this is the bit you like.

  >> Baby polar bears <<
  Baby bears. In a few months they'll rip out
  your throat. But don't think of that now. Get 
  them while they're young.
http://www.pbase.com/erichmangl/polarbear


  >> Smiley sea thing <<
  Axolotl. It's a Mexican salamander. Think that 
  can't be cute? Think again.
http://snipurl.com/b9hk 

  
  >> Gerbils with guns <<
  It's not a guerrilla, it's a gerbil. So much 
  for gun control.
http://snipurl.com/b9hj


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: BIT TORRENT TV
  Stuff we've watched this week

  >> Spitting Image <<
  Legendary 80s latex satire show Spitting Image
  makes an appearance this week. We found a 1985 
  video featuring clips from the series. 

  Fucking hell, it's absolutely wonderful. Anyone
  interested in seeing a topical TV skit show
  done brilliantly is well advised to have a
  look.

  Dead Ringers, Rory Bremner, et al can't touch
  the inventiveness, relentless cruelty and
  inspirational visual identity of this show. 
http://www.uknova.com/


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: JESUS MUM, STOP FEEDING ME THIS BILGE
  It's funny names corner

  >> Expertsexchange.com <<
  It's the little pause that makes it, just
  before it redirects you to the new web address.
  You can practically hear them saying "D'oh"
  and slapping their foreheads.
http://www.expertsexchange.com/


  >> Baps.co.uk <<
  This lot must have picked their name deliberately.
  Surely. You can't tell us they didn't know what
  they were doing.
http://www.baps.co.uk/


  >> Obligatory spunk reference <<
  Finally, B3ta reader 'tala_anthony' writes to
  tell us of a friend who had the unenviable task
  of answering the phones at Siemens. In Staines.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Movie Plots Challenge
 
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
 
  Last week we wanted you to show us what the
  world would be like if Hollywood movie plots
  were real.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/movieplots/
 
  We asked B3ta boarder 'Spacefish' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.
 
  Spacefish writes -
 
  #1 "Technology - Hollywood technology is always
    a bit, well, not quite right, and the board
    has been quick to capitalise on this. Because
    they are nerds. Anyway, this one made me laugh
    so hard my milk-bottle glasses fell off. Bonus
    nerd points awarded for image optimisation
    and nipples. (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4015500
 
  #2 "Hollywood Pest Control - He's had it coming
    to him a long time. xaniac shows Mickey Mouse
    what happens to mice with annoying voices and
    stupid ears in the real world. Hurrah! (xaniac)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4022825
 
  #3 "Doggy - Doggy doggy doggy doggy doggy yaay!
    Doggy yay! Doggy yay! Doggy doggy doggy doggy
    doggy yaaaaaaaaay! Doggy doggy yay! Doggy dog
    doggy doggy doggy yaaaaaaay! Doggy yay! Doggy
    yay! Doggy doggy doggy doggy doggy yaaaaaaay!
    (rabbitz)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4028086
 
  A dishonourable mention to Seaman Grabber. Ninjas
  are cool. That is why this one gets a special
  mention. Ace.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4024931
 
  >> This Week's Challenge <<
 
  This week, B3ta contributor 'Spunkmeyer - Angel'
  gave us the suggestion, "What really happens
  when you die?"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/afterlife/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * OLIVER POSTGATE again. A friend of Kreb's 
    reckoned when he was growing up he met Mr
    Postgate quite often. Apparently his idea of
    gardening was to walk around with a running
    chainsaw attacking anything that annoyed him
    or just plain got in his way.


  * TRAMP O'CLAUS. Eve writes to tell us how 
    Tramp O'Claus helps her. "Every year, Xmas
    comes around. Every year, I watch Tramp O'
    Claus, and find the strength to go on. Thank
    You, b3ta, thank you." Relive the memories: 
http://www2.b3ta.com/merrychristmas/


  * JOEL VEITCH live and uncut. B3ta friend Joel 
    writes "We're playing a ska funk gig at the
    Bakka Nakka Nalia night at Harper's Bar,
    The Boston Pub, in Tufnell Park. Come and
    see our debut live appearance, it'll be fun.
    It's on December 15th." He'll be on the bill
    under the name "Seven Seconds of Love."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SOMEONE EATING BLUE CHEWITS FOR A WEEK -
    and photographing their poo. How many times
    do we have to ask? We NEED to see this.

  * WHISK-Y RISKY - some game encouraging children
    to put their fingers into electric whisks.

  * PETS DOING SHIT TRICKS - we were watching
    animal planet the other day and there was
    this dog who could stick five tennis balls
    in his mouth and then piss himself. Can your
    pet do worse?


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.
  
  
-------------------------------------------------

: GEEK JOKE
  ...It's the science of laffmatics

  Why do maths geeks always get Christmas and
  Halloween mixed up?

  Since Oct 31 is Dec 25.

  Boom. Boom.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Team wiki.
  Edited by Rob and Dave.
  Links sent in by lots of people.
  Top Tippery by chthonic
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the bouncing b4ta bunnies. (75925)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Want to impress the ladies? Eat the lemon slice
  from your drink whole: pith, peel and all. It's
  much less acidic with all that pith and skin to
  soak up the lemon juice and tastes nice too.*

* Disclaimer: may not impress the ladies after all.

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