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NEWSLETTER: "HOW TO TELL WHERE YOUR CAT HAS BEEN BY SMELLING ITS BREATH."

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This Week:
* EBAY - Will you buy a B3tard a car?
* IMAGES - Classical art, modernised
* VIDEOS - Youtube rapes schmideo section

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_________ __  __ _  __ ______
___/ ___// / / // |/ //_  __/  
__/ /__ / /_/ //    /  / /    "We're sucking off 
__\___/ \____//_/|_/  /_/    tramps... together"

B3ta email 278 - 25 May 2007

This issue is online. With a URL and everything.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue278/

          ACK: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
        NACK:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Win Glastonbury tickets
 
  Seeing the opportunity for a painful pun,
  Orange have stuck a GPS box to a bull and
  opened a 'spot the bull' competition. So get a
  moo-ve on, because free Glasto tickets? It's
  all butter.
http://snipurl.com/spot_the_bull


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want us to be your advertising bitches? Then
  get on the Amstrad email phone.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Signs, Advertising stunt and shitty roller-coasters

  >> Sign posts <<
  Sheep has produced what he describes as "Short
  film with the comedy staples that are signs."
  We think that Sheep is a genius and someone
  should give him lots of money.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Signs_Short


  >> Crap rollercoaster <<
  B3ta's resident kitten botherer and food expert
  Fraser has recently visited North Korea on a
  mission to film a rollercoaster. As he puts it,
  "To the Koreans it's not shitty - it's about as
  thrilling as you can possibly get. Having said
  that, this one wasn't in a great state of
  repair."
http://www.pyongyangrollercoaster.com/


  >> eBay car/advertising blag <<
  Nobbynobody, probably best-known for his
  biro-art pics on B3ta, is piss-broke and has
  come up with a fancy scheme for getting himself
  a new car. He's offering you the chance to
  advertise your brand on his car. The clever
  bit? The cash raised by the eBaying is actually
  going to PAY for the car. So, if you work in
  advertising and fancy getting involved in a
  little online stunt, then get bidding NOW!
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330123823605

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Terrible Food

  Last week we resurrected one of the earliest
  questions we ever asked: what's the worst
  thing you've cooked or eaten?
http://b3ta.com/questions/terriblefood/


  * EXTRA VIRGIN FAIRY
  "I had a few disasters while learning to cook I
  think that the fry-up I made after getting
  quite tipsy one night probably rates quite
  highly on that score. I didn't realise anything
  was wrong when the "oil" turned very bubbly. It
  was only the next morning when I woke up with
  the most disgusting taste of chemicals
  permeating my hangover that the penny finally
  dropped. I had fried everything in washing-up
  liquid. Don't try it - it will make you very
  sick." (Lord Gnome)
     
  * MADE TO MAKE YOUR MOUTH WATER
  "Babysitting for my little cousin one day, I
  found he was being very, very quiet, sitting in
  the corner apparently playing with lego. On
  closer inspection he had actually been sucking
  on a slug. Sucking on a slug so voraciously in
  fact, he'd sucked it dry. It took some force to
  prise the corpse out of his jaw. That's
  definitely the worst thing I've ever seen
  someone else eat at least." (thants)

  * NO, NEIGH, NEVER
  "I found myself teaching English to French
  kids, and I would ask 'Is anyone here a
  vegetarian?'. Naturally (this being France)
  most of them didn't even know what a vegetarian
  was, and those few that did always said no.
  Then in one class a girl put up her hand and
  said yes. I was amazed, and asked her what sort
  of things she ate (I'm told it's not easy being
  a veggie in France). She replied, earnestly,
  'Well, I don't eat horse.'" (reallywittyname)
    

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Have you ever been screwed over by someone you
  are doing a favour for? Is that all the thanks
  you got for your efforts?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thanksalot/


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Acieed! Acieed! T-shirts from Discoo

  Smiley Face Acid House T-Shirts and more retro
  Summer gear from Religion Clothing. Get sorted
  this summer:
http://snipurl.com/discoo


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Darwinism disclaimer stickers <<
  The sticker on the top left is one they have
  actually used in school textbooks in certain
  parts of the US, due to pressure from religious
  groups. The others are alternatives you can use
  to cover up the offending original, just to get
  up the Creationists' noses. Blimey.
http://www.swarthmore.edu/NatSci/cpurrin1/textbookdisclaimers/


  >> Hamster-powered shredder <<
  "I typed 'two fat lesbians' into the google
  image search," admits Henry. "But when I
  clicked on the picture it inexplicably took me
  here."
http://www.tomballhatchet.com/hamstershredder.html


  >> How the World carries chickens <<
  If you have a dozen hens to transport, you
  could do worse than check out this gallery of
  international poultry-wrangling techniques.
  Particularly useful if you're travelling abroad
  and want to carry things out in an
  ethnically-sensitive fashion.
http://snipurl.com/chuck_yer_muck


  >> God smokes fags <<
  Amusingly slight rejoinder to the ever-popular
  Fred Phelps homo-hate rant-site
  godhatesfags.com.
http://www.godsmokesfags.com


  >> Dead rat lamp <<
  One of those items that does exactly what the
  title suggests. Step-by-step technique to make
  your own novelty lamp out of a common-or-garden
  dead rat. Looks grotesquely funny, probably
  smells funny too.
http://snipurl.com/NSFW_dead_rat


  >> Shit supervillain <<
  Colour-blind but with the super-powered
  goggles, that's Rainbow Raider. We love the
  extremes those old-time comic book writers had
  to go to just to turn out a threat of the week
  different to the one that came before. Rainbow
  Raider joins Doctor Demonicus in out pantheon
  of superfoes to be pitied.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_Raider


  >> 'TV Controller' blog <<
  Entertaining satirical blog purporting to be by
  the actual controller of a TV station. It's
  clearly written by someone with at least a
  nodding acquaintance with the television
  industry - and certainly none the worse for
  that. 
http://thetvcontroller.blogspot.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Wombat VS Hedgehog phone-vote scandal

  * HEDGEHOGS - Ever thought about getting a
  furze-pig as a pet? Apparently available for
  about $100 in some U.S states. Cute video tho. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPhpsIK7pDc&NR=1


  * HAPPY WOMBAT - life_of_holly writes, "Thought
  you might like this happy happy little wombat
  for your Things That Make You Go Aahh section.
  I found him on Daily Cute, and I actually do a
  little bit of wee whenever I see him." And you
  know? We're weeing too. Right now.
http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h86/Kohoutek/happywombat.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Because YOU LOVE compression artifacts
 
  >> Glasses-catching with the face <<
  It's clearly impossible, being able to field a
  thrown pair of shades on your nose from any
  distance or angle. But how are they faking it?
  We thought we knew but now we're not sure. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-prfAENSh2k


  >> Sushi bar conveyor-cam <<
  Guy sticks his digital camera on the little
  conveyor belt in a late night Tokyo sushi bar,
  producing results that vaguely remind us of
  that excellent nightclub tracking shot in
  Goodfellas. Of course, it wouldn't be nearly as
  good if you did that in London. Someone would
  nick it.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c35_1178938654


  >> Wheelchair boy band <<
  If you don't speak Norwegian you won't get much
  from the first 50 seconds. But then it gets
  good. Really good. And we're not laughing at
  them because they're all foreign and in
  wheelchairs. We're laughing with them. And
  wanking.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=aCxDZRJKkqY


  >> Randy little robot <<
  In the future we'll have robots doing all the
  hard work. We won't even have to bother with
  sex anymore. Check out the moves on 'Hector' -
  very slick! In homage we're going to wear a
  forehead-mounted LED next time we get romantic
  too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qOuVfcoRmw


  >> 100 movies countdown <<
  Apparently it's a spoof of some American Film
  Institute ads. What it really is is a brilliant
  little game. 100 short clips from classic
  movies - how many can you guess?  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FExqG6LdWHU


  >> Fake wrestling <<
  Surprisingly, this footage of a tiny Japanese
  girl grappling with enormous, sweaty men looks
  almost convincing. Sometimes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEBeQ0pYLog


  >> Hoovering a deaf cat <<
  It's hard to tell if this placid feline is
  really deaf or just exceptionally indolent. You
  certainly can't get within 20 feet of b3ta-cat
  Rocky with a hoover.
http://www.devilducky.com/media/61878/


  >> Talking cat <<
  Cats are spooky creatures that imitate the
  voices of human infants in order to exploit
  your parental instincts and trick you into
  feeding and caring for them. Don't believe us?
  Check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eV71mpbvl-g


   >> Copyright fairy tale <<
   Nice little explanation of copyright and
   fair-use law told entirely through the mouths
   of Disney characters. Smart. That's sticking
   it to the man!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJn_jC4FNDo


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Get your cyber-rofls here web twats

  * WANG-HOLDER - when Anna Wang and Brad Holder
  got married, how would you expect it to be
  announced?
http://www.indexjournal.com/weddings/20070430c_e.html


  * RSOLES - UK comedian Steve "I didn't biff
  Courtney Love" Coogan once had a character called
  Tony Ferrino who sang a song with an 'our souls /
  arseholes' pun. Read it re-jigged as a shoe
  company website. 
http://www.rsoles.com/


  * NICHOLAS N BURNS-COX - best of all? He's a
  hospital urologist. We're sure he's not sick of
  the jokes yet.
http://snipurl.com/funny_name_really


  * BEN DIRS - The BBC correspondent in charge of
  their cricket scoreboard updates is a Mr Ben
  Dirs. Our mind is boggling.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/england/6672179.stm


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Theme Park Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to design theme 
  parks. It was brilliant.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PHILOSOPHER'S WORLD - a lovely day out
  answering all of life's great questions (The
  Great Architect)

  * CHESS - extreme, woeful punnage, yet still a
  fun day out for the entire family, probably
  (calibrax)

  * TYPO TOWERS - where ride restrictions aren't
  of the usual sort (Holly Would)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/theme_parks/


  >> New challenge: Updating Art <<
  Ever been to the National Gallery? It's 
  a lovely place, but all the pictures are
  a bit old-fashioned. So this week's 
  challenge is to download some of the 
  gallery's classics and bring them up to 
  date...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/national_gallery/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  NET PEDANTS - The Hairy Aerosol writes in to
  say, "Actually diarrhea is called diarrhoea.
  Unless you are an American." We wouldn't
  normally bother to mention this but it caused
  us to google it, and we found a fantastic
  Wikipedia page featuring the best diagram ever.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diarrhea


  CLEANING CDS - ray mentions, "Actually the best
  thing to use is hair gel. If you use an
  abrasive you risk damaging the CD even more,
  but hair gel fills in the scratch and restores
  the refractive properties so that the laser
  pickup doesn't bounce off all over the place.
  Not a permanent fix, but it's enough to let you
  copy the cd and it's a lot less work than
  polishing as well." Sounds like fine advice,
  not that we can actually be arsed to test it.


  USB CHARGER - last week we lamented that all
  our electronic devices use different chargers.
  Davidpfitz mentions, "You're after a
  PowerMonkey. My pal gave me one for my birthday
  and it's the nuts. In fact, you can buy 'monkey
  nuts' for it for new connectors - I got one for
  my DS for a quid just this week." Oooh, we want
  one. Especially as it looks a little like a
  vibrator.
http://www.powermonkey.co.uk/


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Release! Cat with Bow Golf!

  Vague descriptions of link. Obscure reference
  to childhood experience. Weak joke about penis.
  Finish with, "we scored three, maybe you can do
  better?"
http://ishi.blog2.fc2.com/blog-entry-211.html?new


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A MORATORIUM ON SOCIAL NETWORKS - can the
  internet please agree to not launch more of
  these buggers? What we actually need is
  interoperability - so that twitter can talk to
  facebook can talk to myspace etc. It's the
  messenger wars all over again and it's dull
  dull dull.

  * DOOR BELL ORCHESTRA - video lots of different
  door bells being rung and sequence them into a
  storming disco epic of 'Ring My Bell'.

  * COCK-A-HOOP - rub your penis (assuming you've
  got one) until it's stiff and proud. Drop
  pine-apple rings on it. Win a teddy.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by dy357lx, simon
  bryce, grubbymitts, WEINERDOG13, dbell, adamb,
  chickenlady, henry simmonds, dng, Captain
  Pilchard, iowaseven, humpthefamilypet,
  xemetery, ElRodente, Jamie_W, ryz45, Yank Meoff
  and monkeyrun. Top Tippery by Mr. Jack
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Lovegas to the b4ta hugglebears. (No number
  here) I call my boots George and Michael.
  Because they got sucked off in a bog. NEW WORD:
  podcastinating - downloading 100s of podcasts
  that you know you won't listen to, rather than
  doing the job in hand. Blame that ivesb for the
  subjectline. We do.


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  TOP TIP:
  For thin, easy, fast, regular slices of cheese,
  use a vegetable peeler to cut the slices. It's
  a fantastic method.

  Or add your own tip.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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