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NEWSLETTER: "DOT COTTON'S DOTCOM COT CON"

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This Week:
* SICKIPEDIA 2.0 - Ouch, nasty, nasty stuff
* CREATIONISM - Yay for image challenges
* QUESTION - Worse sex ever

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're shaving our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      pubes... together"

B3ta email 281 - 15 Jun 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue281/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Just Not Cricket

  Kevin Pietersen wallops fours, smashes sixes
  and generally strikes fear into the hearts of
  the cricketing world’s best bowlers. But did
  you know, when it comes to golf, he can
  effortlessly chip in from the bunker… while
  still wearing his cricket clobber and using his
  Woodworm bat?
http://tinyurl.com/25wwbx


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Skip this if you don't want to be offended

  >> Sickipedia 2.0 <<
  Readers may remember our Sickipedia project,
  our attempt to get the world to fill a site
  with foul jokes. You want to know the truth? A
  wiki format wasn't the best technology for this
  idea, as you could never find where the new
  jokes lived on the site. Hence we've redone it
  using currently in-vogue ideas like user-voting
  and tagging. Currently on the front page is a
  particularly bad-taste Maddie joke with over
  200 votes. Please add your favourite jokes, and
  remember to vote, vote, vote.
http://www.sickipedia.org/


  >> Gingerism? <<
  Recently the BBC ran a story asking whether
  ginger abuse was like racism. We thought not,
  and asked you to build an application which
  switched the words ginger and nigger on
  websites. The idea was to make a point -
  however the results are just mind-bogglingly
  amusing and horribly offensive. Yes, if you
  switch the words, the result is entirely
  different, thus (maybe) proving that ginger
  abuse cannot be equated with racism. Thanks to
  Cr3 for having balls of steel enough to code
  it. BTW: Type in your own URLs at the top to
  create your own, linky goes to example.
http://n0m.com/cPvO


  >> Shape song <<
  And on a fluffier note, we haven't heard from
  Koit for a while, but he's recently turned up
  in our inbox singing about shapes. Sounds like
  he's auditioning for a slot on educational kids
  tv. Not bad at all.
http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/Shapes.html


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Pet Stories

  Last week we asked for your loveliest pet
  stories to cheer us up. Follow the link to
  learn all about the awesome Leonard the Cat:
http://b3ta.com/questions/petstories/

  * GAY DOG
    "One drunken evening at home sat on the sofa,
    my girlfriend was pleasuring me with some
    'oral relief'. After a few minutes, my dog
    wandered up to us and calmly took a big long
    lick of my shaft,and then walked off. Clearly
    the moment was lost, and subsequently I felt
    the need to shower. So, there you have it - I
    was sexually assaulted my own dog. After
    confiding in my friends with this story, they
    consequently labelled me with the nickname
    'Bonio'. Twats." (nappy rash)
     
  * SPAAADDOINNNNNNNGG
    "When I was a little sproglet, we had a
    lovely lump of a Great Dane. Beautiful,
    lovely, friendly, soft, gentle creature.
    Unfortunately he had an inherited stomach
    problem - things would fly through him: he
    had an absolutely enormous appetite, and
    would eat whatever he could find. Of the many
    things he ate, it was when he managed to nick
    the remains of a sunday roast that sticks in
    my mind. Unfortunately, the bits of
    elasticated string were still on the plate. A
    day or so later, he was wandering around the
    house with about 6 inches of the elastic
    hanging out of his bumhole. My dad decided to
    help out, and grabs the end to tug it out.
    It's well wedged up the gut, so my dad pulls
    hard. The end of the greasy elastic slips out
    of his fingers, and the whole thing snaps
    back at the hound's ringpiece. I have never,
    ever, seen an animal move so fast or yelp so
    loud. He didn't come back for hours, and
    wouldn't go near my dad for weeks." (meepmeep)
     
  * BLOWN AWAY
    "My friend used to have a cat - when she told
    people this, they'd say, 'Oh, did it die
    then?' and she'd say, 'No, it blew away'. It
    was out in the garden during the hurricane of
    '87, and they saw it sail away over the
    garden wall, never to be seen again. She
    doesn't understand why other people find this
    hilarious." (Pachey)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  What's the worst sex you've ever had?
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstsex/


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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
  Smoke here? They've banned it

  The Great Architect has provided us with this
  lovely design that's either pro the smoking
  ban, or against it. Whatever, it's now on a
  shirt for you to love and hold until your last
  chocking breath.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Breast milk cheese <<
  Step-by-step description of a lady's attempt to
  make a paneer (cottage cheese) out of her own
  frozen breast milk. Perhaps most strange is her
  blithe assumption that most people regularly
  feed their friends and family with recipes
  including their breast juice.
http://www.indrani.net/index.php?q=2006/03/breast_milk_cheese


  >> Preposterously breasty game characters <<
  "Over-generous with the breast slider" is the
  standout phrase from a rundown of the
  over-endowed characters in the new offering
  from the Soul Caliber franchise. Indeed, most
  of the female characters would suffer severely
  uncomfortable bounce-action in any real bout of
  melee. And is that sexy, we ask you? Huh?
http://snipr.com/phwor_nice_polygons


  >> The "Annoy-o-Tron" <<
  Utter evil in a small, easily-concealable
  electronic form. Lets out an urgent-sounding
  beep at random intervals, eventually breaking
  your co-workers' sanity as they dismantle all
  nearby electrical equipment in a desperate bid
  to locate the cause of the 'alarm'.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/electronic/8c52/


  >> Diving makes you look stupid <<
  Yes, they're impressive athletic feats, pushing
  the very limits of the human physique - but did
  you have to pull such an idiotic face? Gallery
  of grimacing athletes, vindicating our
  childhood choice of skiving off games whenever
  possible.
http://knuttz.net/hosted_pages/Diving-20070327


  >> Ask McDonalds stupid questions <<
  The beleaguered fast food giant has a site to
  'engage with the public', answering their
  questions and concerns. We enjoyed the endless
  tide of moronic queries along the lines of "I
  read in the paper that some burger contain poo.
  Is this really true? If so, what proportion of
  burgers contain poo?" You almost feel sorry for
  them.
http://snipr.com/maccyds


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Squirrel in the snow

  This adorably inquisitive squirrel appears to
  be wearing furry gloves on both his feet and
  hands. Aww, invite him in for a cup of hot
  chocolate...
http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=358236376&size=l


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  and the sister section, Texty Schmexty

  >> Guy love <<
  It's a matter of opinion whether a show has
  truly jumped the shark when it reaches the
  inevitable musical episode. Anyway here JD and
  Turk of Scrubs sing of their manly and
  completely non-gay love for each other.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0


  >> Whoa! Meth! ad <<
  Anti-drugs commercial from the nineties done in
  the style of a soft drink commercial. It makes
  taking crystal meth seem so fun and wholesome -
  we must try some.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxAYHOWxGi8


  >> Stephen Fry talks internet <<
  Enjoyable, relaxed interview with the comedian
  and broadcaster holding forth on his favourite
  websites et al.
http://www.videojug.com/interview/stephen-fry-the-internet


  >> Singing cat <<
  This unfortunate feline has a rare vocal chord
  condition that makes him sound like he's
  singing whenever he yawns. A lot of credits for
  such a short clip, but the couple of seconds of
  his inadvertent warbling are gold. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImD96q4II-Q


  >> Pyromaniac fools <<
  Bunch of blokes mucking about with petrol and a
  bonfire - it doesn't take a genius to see what
  happens next. Still it is both spectacular and
  amusing - so much so that the cameraman would
  rather stand there laughing uproariously than
  go to check on his possibly stricken mate.
http://snipr.com/iblamedefleppard


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: HUMAN ZOO
  'Fluffy'

  We'd honestly never heard of wool fetishism
  until we got sent this link to Fluffy,
  resplendent in his fuzzy, knitted woman-suit.
  Page five is where it gets really messed-up.
  Like proper scary.
http://snipr.com/flickr_fun


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Ginger Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what life would be
  like in a fantastic world where ginger people
  are worshipped as gods. You obliged.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ROWLING - the boy Potter reduced to a
  supporting role, making way for flame- haired
  colossus Ron Weasley (dwarfer)

  * MOON - in which this writer's misuse of the
  subjunctive mode in his grammar is criticised,
  despite us no longer living in the middle ages
  where, to be fair, it was quite popular
  (collapsibletank)

  * PUBIC HAIR - Say what you like about this
  Jesus: he was ginger where it truly matters
  (Donkey Gums)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gingers/


  >> New challenge: Creationism <<
  Creationists believe that everything in the
  universe was created absolutely by a deity, and
  that evolution is hocus pocus, despite all the
  evidence to the contrary. Please portray this
  conflict using God's own image-manipulation
  software. As judged by Richard Dawkins (in our
  dreams.)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creationism/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  AUSSIE FAG WARNINGS - Last week we covered the
  hardcore public health notices on the back of
  Australian ciggy packets. "Fortunately", beams
  Brundy, "The warnings are diverse enough to
  allow such artistic creations as this..." Ahh,
  look at his smiling face:
http://users.bigpond.net.au/stevenet/ciggies.jpg


  MADDIE JOKES NOW OFFICIALLY OK - Yep, last
  week's Maddie-based subject line rated just one
  complaint. As informal surveys go, that would
  seem to show that it's now fine to make gags
  about recent, tragic events. Yay.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Crosswordy challenge

  Like one of those newspaper puzzles - fill in
  the missing spaces with selected letters from
  the right-hand side. Gets a lot harder with
  embarrassing swiftness.
http://militantplatypus.com/games/gamepage.php?game=crossword 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SEMEN COOKING - Official B3ta Doctor, Ben
  Goldacre suggests, "On the home cooking
  front: I've got a classic b3ta video idea.
  Semen is made largely of albumin. So fry it. Or
  get together with some friends and make a
  meringue."

  * FAKE COOKING - We've recently discovered
  'nomato', a tomato sauce substitute containing
  no tomatoes, and Tomsk requests, "I'd be quite
  intrigued to try that stuff on that weird
  veggie fake-bacon stuff in gluten-free bread
  with dairy-free butter and see what a totally
  everything-free 'bacon' 'sandwich' tastes like."

  * FACEBOOK B3TA AP - can someone write some
  amazing application which alerts users on
  facebook when there is something interesting on
  B3ta? Or maybe the highest voted jokes on
  Sickipedia. BTW: We, like the rest of London,
  appear to have been mucking about with Facebook
  all week. It's a marvel.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Phil Cool with Steve
  Punt. Stuff sent in by LittlePixel, SiX,
  deets75, fixit, jessekillerkay, Chris, R. and
  Ana Top Tippery by the b3tards. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Flaming clouds of
  peril to b4ta. (Lose the brackets from the
  bloody template, please!) And props to Mighty
  Nibus for the subject line.
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen.
  BTW: This is the highest voted tip on our 'Top
  Tips' page. You bunch of muppets.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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