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NEWSLETTER: "TOO BUSY LOOKING AT HOOKERS ON STREET VIEW TO COME UP WITH A SUBJECT LINE"

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This Week:
* BILL WYMAN - in the B3ta newsletter at last
* TABLOID NEWSPAPERS - Are stinky and smell
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - How food is REALLY made...

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Entering the 'Frog Chorus'
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | part of our Paul McCartney
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| metaphor-based life-span"

B3ta email 370 - 20 Mar 2009

The newsletter without the Yahoo! cruft:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue370/

        "Follow":  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    "Unfollow":  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Daily TV newsletter  

  tvBite.com tells you what's on telly, gives you
  a comedy recipe, some wine offers, a
  competition and a load of old rubbish about TV
  stars from some bored journalists. It's free,
  funny and um, free. At best, it'll sort your
  evening out. At worst, it's something to read
  on the internet. Make sure you check out the
  sample edition and then sign up. (The story at
  the end about Shane Richie is funny btw.)
http://www.tvbite.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Wyman, Women and one woman in particular

  >> Bill Wyman's metal detector <<
  The Rolling Stone's Bill Wyman is famous for
  many things:
  * Courting peadotroversy by dating the 13 year
    old failbait Mandy Smith.
  * Being surprising old for a 1960s popstar - he
    was 30 in 1966, about 7 years older than Mick &
    Keef.
  * Turning an enjoyable bass riff into a Ian
    Dury pastiche with Je Suis Un Rock Star. Also
    notable for its nonce-sense lyric, "They'll
    think I'm your dad and you're my daughter."
  Anyway, hopefully old Bill will now be famous
  for one more thing: Swedemason taking his
  dribbling about metal detectors and turning it
  into something rather special indeed.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bill_Wymans_metal_detector


  >> Loose Women with squeaky voices <<
  ITVs Loose Women is a TV gameshow where
  menopausal women win valuable incontinence pants -
  depending on which one of them has the most
  ill-informed opinion. Ladma is attempting to
  up the gag count by giving them even sillier
  voices than they already have. Well done!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Loose_Women


  >> Tabloid journalist in hypocrisy shock <<
  Paula Murray, tabloid journalist and all round
  bad egg has enraged the internets recently with
  her Sunday Express story reporting on school
  shooting survivors "shaming the memory of their
  dead peers" by sticking up photos of themselves
  on Facebook behaving like teenagers. Graham
  Linehan of Father Ted co-write fame has a clear
  take on it all here:
http://snurl.com/righteousblogging

  Also of interest is our very own Manic who's
  hunted down the journalist's own boozy
  Facebook postings in an attempt to give her a
  taste of her own medicine. Ouch. Particularly
  the "spinster aunt" comment.
http://www.bloggerheads.com/archives/2009/03/paula_murray_drinks.asp


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Penises, penises and more penises

  Last week we asked what thing you were most
  ashamed of doing with a penis:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pythonshame/

  * NAPKIN RING - "As some of you know, I'm
  into piercing, but watching a tattooed bloke
  grasp your manhood and shove a 3.2mm needle
  clean through it is a walk in the park compared
  to watching blood gush from your shaft as you
  use oily pliers to tease out last shards of
  pewter napkin ring and crushed lumps of ceramic
  cutting disk after a misguided attempt at a
  DIY cock ring." (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)
     
  * PERSONAL CALL - "I swear, I was sending...
  um...pictures...of...um...its glory...to my
  g/f at the time. But to take the picture to
  send, I had gone to my office toilets and
  taken a look at some pictures that she had
  previously sent me. Until I was, you know,
  'ready'. Then I snapped away, got a couple of
  shots that showed me in a flattering light
  and sent one. My phone was fairly slow to send
  pictures, so I went back to my desk and put it
  down next to me, waiting for the tell-tale
  buzz that meant my penis was flying in 1s and
  0s through the ether for my waiting beloved's
  depraved pleasure. Then I promptly forgot it
  and went to get coffee. I came back to my desk
  and my boss was hovering waiting to talk to me,
  so we are chatting away and then I notice his
  eyes start to drift down to my desktop. I
  follow his gaze and there, clear as day, is my
  phone. With my erect penis. And, in the
  background, the distinctive red and white tiles
  that adorned the cubicles in the staff toilets.
  I've never had a non-awkward conversation with
  him again." (scarpe)
     
  * SUPRISE PENIS - "If your beloved is sitting
  on the floor doing paperwork and you've just
  come out the shower. Don't - I repeat DON'T -
  sneak up behind her and smack her round the
  back of the head with your cock and run off
  giggling like a twat. It's a deal breaker. It
  really fucking is." (SpankyHanky)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your take on God. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/god/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Sequels that don't exist <<
  Sounding like one of our old image challenges
  (in fact I think we ran it after watching
  web-video "Titanic 2! The Revenge of the
  Iceberg!"), but what saves this from territory
  that we're over-familiar with is the quality of
  the writing and mind-expanded full-throttle
  creativity on offer. We particularly dig 'Rambo
  V' featuring the entire Rambo family, all
  played by Stallone, "The handshakes might have
  to be done with CGI or something."
http://everybodylovesacane.blogspot.com/


  >> Ultimate geek office <<
  To use modern internet speak, this is so full
  of fail that it's 100% win. Witness a grown
  man, dressed in a skin-tight Storm Trooper
  outfit, unpacking his lovely new Apple Mac toys
  whilst surrounded by Manga figurines. And he
  has a wife apparently.
http://www.dannychoo.com/adp/eng/1677/Mac+Life+4.html


  >> Dead insects + watch bits << 
  Extremely creepy photos of dead insects that have been
  case-modded with antique watch parts. Could be
  the early work of a particularly meticulous
  steam-punk serial killer. They start with
  animals, you know.
http://www.insectlabstudio.com/?item/311


  >> Photos of Chernobyl <<
  The Chernobyl tourism industry is growing. Soon
  it'll beat North Korea as the number one
  destination for those who self-identify as
  wankers, sorry travellers, rather than tourists.
  Mind you, the photos are indeed chilling and
  would be a fantastic place to film a cheapo
  Zombie film, assuming you can afford the
  insurance for potentially giving the crew
  leukaemia.
http://www.grcade.com/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=2217


  >> Gallery of pre-loaders <<
  Much like the banner-ad, the pre-loader absorbs
  a huge amount of ad agencies' energy without
  ever getting one ounce of love on the real
  internet. (You know, the internet that gets
  views, rather than the waste-ground of client
  sites.) Celebrate the folly here, or use it to
  confuse a naive friend, "this site is GREAT
  once it loads."
http://www.prettyloaded.com/


  >> Soundboards a-gogo <<
  In an unlikely revival of retro web trends,
  we've been seeing a lot of love for soundboards
  this week. One based on Daft Punk's classic
  toilet roll jingle, "Harder, Better, Faster,
  Stronger" and the other mostly from George
  Michael's early pre-crack-pipe hit "Wham! Rap".
  Open both and pretend you're Jean Michelle
  Jarre attempting to grapple with the 90s.
http://www.najle.com/idaft/
http://www.ronwinter.tv/drums.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  VHS will rise again!

  >> Burger grease art <<
  If something can be used to make a mark on
  paper, then it can be used to make a drawing.
  Although we pity this stink-fingered artist
  who uses beef-fat as his medium of choice.
  Next week we'd like to see Edvard Munch's 'The
  Scream', as rendered by walking down the street
  and asking everyone you pass for a little of
  their precious, salty earwax. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orjALWsyaR4


  >> Twitter = twats? <<
  The problem with Twitter is that it's difficult
  to "get". Much like it would be hard to see the
  point of a phone if the only person you could
  phone was Stephen Fry, and he didn't listen to
  you, only barked missives about how much
  battery life was left in his laptop. Anyway, if
  you're on the side of the fence that enjoys
  going, "I don't see the point of it" then
  you'll have a certain satisfaction in this well
  observed and slickly produced cartoon.
http://current.com/items/89891774/supernews_twouble_with_twitters.htm


  >> Jenga bricks pistol <<
  There's two ways to make Jenga more exciting:
  firstly you can play it for money. We promise
  you, you've never played sport until you've had
  £50 riding on pushing out a wooden brick. Or
  secondly, replace your fingers with guns. Yes.
  Special Jenga guns.
http://b3ta.com/links/Jenga_Bricks_Pistol


  >> Communicating with Cat Central Command <<
  Morse code facts:
  * There's no | (pipe) sign in Morse code, thus
    making it difficult to port to Linux.
  * Sting's Morse Code classic De Doo Doo Doo De
    Da Da Da, has often been known to confuse
    shipping.
  * Telegraphy pioneered txt-spk in the 1890s,
    using GE for Good Evening, GN for Good Night
    and ISOCYWIRB for "I say old chap, your wife 
    is ridiculously butters."
http://b3ta.com/links/Communicating_with_Central_Command


  >> Computer rage song <<
  The shanty is a working song used by navies,
  slaves and sailors to make repetitive communal
  tasks more bearable by creating an all
  encompassing rhythm that the body falls into.
  And aren't IT workers a little like the poor
  Irish sods who built all our motorways in the 60s
  and then ended up broken, family-less drunkards
  in Camden's Arlington House? But in the digital
  age, with roads being pointless reports, and
  the shovels broken laptops? That's what this
  song makes us think anyway.
http://snurl.com/do_people_still_say_borked


  >> Dragons Den parody <<
  You know this is going to be a funny clip, so
  trust on that, and let us have 30 seconds of
  your time whilst we play word substitution
  games on famous phrases:
  * Cutting off our cock to spite our balls.
  * You can't make a sausage without breaking a
    pig.
  * Er.. Do not look a gift-horse in the cock.
  Anyway, moving swiftly on:
http://b3ta.com/links/The_Milk_Gargoyles_hatch_Dragons_Den_parody


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Shoot us in the face. Please.

  Update on Randy Midgett: his wife is called
  Ginger. 
http://www.baysidemanortour.com/patrons.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Font Jokes Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to have fun with
  typefaces. Oh yes, we literally asked for FontLols.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * RAP - getting typographical on yo ass 
    (The magic of chutney)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9264220

  * COCK - a special delivery for a lucky
    lady - or man, if you like that kind 
    of thing (Daisy Lemon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9261146

  * DOLCE - Midge Ure's entry wasn't quite
    funny enough (op)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9268383

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fontjokes/


  >> New challenge: Food <<
  We're continually told of the need to be 
  aware of how our food is sourced, so show 
  us how what we eat is *really* made.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/food/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TARD WHO WANTS A HUSBAND GETS WRITTEN UP IN
  THE DAILY MAIL - Alex wrote to us to say,
  "Yeah, the Daily Mail, not my paper of choice
  at all - I kept mentioning B3ta during the
  interview, but I don't think she got my hints
  to mention it. I'm going on GMTV tomorrow
  morning and it's live, so I'll definitely try
  and give B3ta a shout out!" Also Peter Davison
  subverts, "Look for the comment by a Mr. Deago
  Stiniberg from Hull. That's me that is."
http://snurl.com/dzhfk


  * STEPHEN FRY CARICATURE - "Had an email from
  the lovely Mr Stephen Fry", writes Tart Monkey,
  "saying very nice things about my caricature of
  him that got front-paged last week, and asking if I
  could send him a hi-res version for his own
  amusement, which I did of course." BTW: Poor
  old Stevie (Who we'll now call Stevie, as this
  is how he refers to himself on Twitter,
  especially when hungry), this was his own
  personal glass-cock, as a quick search shows,
  ENDLESS people recommended this image to him.
http://search.twitter.com/search?q=b3ta+stephenfry
	

  * RYANAIR PHOTOSHOP - another equally popular
  image from B3ta recently was the reworking of
  the Ryanair instructions by Coast Of Yemen -
  which have done the rounds so often that
  they're now appearing (uncredited) on the
  actual Ryanair website. Naughty Ryanair doing
  things on the cheap again.
http://snurl.com/naughty_naughty


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BANKRUPT THE BANKS - in a plot weirdly
  reminiscent of Superman III, fridgefreezer
  asks, "Can someone write a script for on-line
  banking sites that does all money transfers 1p
  at a time? I would dearly love to see the postman
  dragging my next bank statement up the path on
  a sack truck because I paid my credit card bill
  in 20,000 instalments." 


  * COUNCIL BULLSHIT ANALYSER - Chart Cat asks,
  "I read management guff every day. It would be
  marvellous if I could go to a website, paste in
  a chunk of text and get an itemised 'bullshit
  score' based on this word list."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/7949077.stm


  * AD AGENCIES GIVING B3TA PEOPLE CASH to rework
    old flash cartoons as new advertising campaigns.
    Yep, Jonti HASN'T been ripped off, he's been
    commissioned:
http://www.118247.com/home.html


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Peter Davison,
  mockingbirdred, Darklord, tedster, 4dam, badge,
  Monty Propps, the_log_knows, Kingdom Oblivion,
  aphareus. Occasionally we hide jokes in the
  thanks bit. Not this week. Top Tippery by
  Flowerpot. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Oh go on then: Did
  you hear about the horse who thought he was a
  mouse? He went click-clop. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Prof UnderCover.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  If you boil vegetables, let the water cool and
  use it to water plants. The nutrients in the
  water are good for them. Works with water used
  to boil pasta too.


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?
  Dr Dre
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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