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NEWSLETTER: "ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THAT CARLSBERG DO SOD ALL?"

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This Week:
* LOL 'FAT' CATS - Nope, not with actual cats
* VEITCH - Lion toasters
* NAZIS - On the moon!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're shaving our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       legs... together"

B3ta email 379 - 22 May 2009

Bleep this issue on your pager:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue379/

       Winners:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Sinners:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Terminate the Rate

  When making a phone call, mobile network
  providers charge Mobile Termination Rates that
  cost you more than they should. To challenge
  this, some forward thinking types including BT
  and 3 have combined forces to have them reduced
  to what they actually cost. Find out more here: 
http://tinyurl.com/terminatetherate


  >> Sponsor B3ta  (50p per mile) <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Toasters, Voices, Fat Cats

  >> Lion toaster <<
  Joel Veitch regrets his recent purchase of a
  toaster manufactured by lions. He elaborates
  through the medium of song:
http://rathergood.com/toaster


  >> Impersonations <<
  "I'm always behind the animation doing my
  impersonations," complains Terry Mynott. "So
  here is my ugly mug." By some ungodly wizardry,
  he's able to make his voice sound exactly like
  somebody else's. Probably sold his soul to
  Satan. Anyway, we'd really really like to see
  more of his Shawshank Redemption redub.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Impersonations


  >> Lol fat cats <<
  Nicolas Roope, best-known for having an
  enormous Nordic beard - has been combo-ing up
  the locat meme with satiric intent. In theory
  we hate it, but in practise it made us grin.
  Much like Roope's beard.
http://lolfatcats.com/


  >> Beyoncé's unseen Nintendo DS advert <<
  Defying Darwin reveal the Beyoncé endorsement
  that the lawyers didn't want you to see. NSFW,
  if your boss has particularly sharp eyesight.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beyonces_unseen_nintendo_ds_advert


  >> "Buy me a boat" <<
  "I'm gonna become a the Simon Le Bon of le
  comedy," brags John Hopkins. He and his chums
  vow to beat the recession by buying a yacht on
  credit, sailing it to Edinburgh and using the
  ticket money to pay back the boat shop. Will
  they make it? Or, more likely, will they drown?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/With_Sails_and_I


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Bullies

  Last week we asked for your, frankly shocking,
  stories of bullying:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bullies/


  * FISH FACE - "My dad was a policeman and told
  me of a man who'd been brought in regarding a
  crime the police knew he was responsible for.
  He refused to budge from his story and the
  decision was made to apply a little 'pressure'
  to ensure the required outcome. One of the
  coppers was a member of the police diving squad
  and just happened to have his wetsuit and gear
  with him. Someone was sent down to the pier.
  The accused was left alone in the interview
  room for a while. And then... the door opened
  to reveal a frogman in full kit, flippers and
  facemask, carrying a large fish. The questions
  were posed again, but this time each
  'incorrect' answer came with a mighty wet fish
  slap around the chops. Eventually the chap
  coughed to the crime and it all went to court.
  Once on the stand, the defendant withdrew his
  confession as it had been made under duress,
  and explained the situation surrounding it. The
  judge had him sent off for psychiatric
  assessment." (chickenlady)
     
  * FROGS, SNAILS, PUPPYDOG TAILS - "I'm half
  French and so I had the usual taunts of 'frog'
  through primary school. One day whilst enduring
  the (by now slightly stale) jibes about 'eating
  snails', one of the more ape-like older boys
  thrust one under my nose. 'Fuck it,' I thought.
  So I ate it. It wasn't too bad as I recall. Bit
  crunchy - I've since learnt not to eat the
  shells." (mrgibbles)
     
  * SICK AND TIRED - "A four year-old Rakky is
  sat on the school bus, wearing her boater and
  gymslip, heading off to another day at the hell
  hole school she’d been sent to. And like every
  day, as soon as the bus doors closed and my
  mother’s tearful face slid out of view, the
  girl from my class, the stupid, popular, rich
  one would start on me. "Give me your jotter,
  what’s the matter, cry baby, going to tell
  teacher?” On and on it went, every single day
  until one day I could take no more. So, pulling
  myself up to the full height that only a four
  year-old can muster, I prepared to unleash a
  salvo of such terrifying force that even the
  gods themselves would stop to listen... And I
  vomited on her. Didn’t mean to, it just kind of
  fell out. Left me alone after that, though.
  Stupid bitch." (Rakky)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  This week your Ginger Fuhrer bought a
  trampoline that was almost bigger than his
  garden. Make him feel better by telling us
  about your impulse buys:
http://b3ta.com/questions/impulsebuys/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Cake lego <<
  Cake made of lego and lego made of cake. It's a
  mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world. Except
  for lego. 
http://is.gd/ALiW


  >> Flash electronic music generator <<
  Save money by cluttering your screen, not your
  room, with inexplicable but exciting-looking
  lumps of electronic gubbins. You could be the
  next Technotronic!
http://www.hobnox.com/audiotool


  >> Kanyefy the web <<
  Make every site like the Kanye West blog, with
  this handy one-button solution.
http://fffff.at/kanyefy-text-bookmarklet/


  >> How to use Twitter for marketing and PR <<
  The Web 2.0 adman's holy grail explained.
  Although in our experience, Twitter is the most
  effective marketing tool... only for Twitter.
http://www.howtousetwitterformarketingandpr.com/


  >> Vintage porn interiors <<
  Watch one porno and you've pretty much seen
  them all, in terms of naked dangly bits. But
  check out the wallpaper! We suspect this is how
  ladies think when we try to get them to watch
  dirty movies with us.  
http://snurl.com/pronbackgrounds


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO 
  Which this week we're subbing to 'yideo'

  >> Czech novelty pop <<
  Delve into eastern Europe's murky past with a
  seventies ditty from what is clearly the 20th
  century's most mental musical combo. It'd be
  comedy gold even without the sound.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pure_Comedy_Gold


  >> Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus <<
  From the scant clues, we figure this is a film
  where a gigantic shark meets, and possibly
  comes into conflict with, an enormous octopus.
  Fans of this sort of Z-movie action might also
  enjoy tracking down Megalodon, which stars a
  young John Barrowman and a colossal CGI shark.
http://bit.ly/14xMrs 


  >> 5 second films <<
  Ludicrously short comic sketches; keep hitting
  'Random for more lols. "Robodog, walk!"
http://5secondfilms.com/watch/robodog


  >> Whack-a-kitty <<
  Please hammer, don't hurt them.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/whack_a_kitty


  >> A message from the Queen <<
  Britain's head of state finally speaks her mind
  to the nation.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ladies_gentlemen_Her_Majesty_the_Queen


  >> Nazis on the moon <<
  In 1945 the nazis fled to the moon. In 2018
  they are coming back. Now THAT'S a film pitch. 
http://www.ironsky.net/


  >> Sorry I'm late <<
  Arty bit of stop-motion whimsey, in a lying on
  the floor and wobbling pillows about stylee.
http://www.sorry-im-late.com/watch.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE

  Results from the Reinventing the Wheel 
  Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent
  pointless new stuff to replace perfectly
  old good stuff.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CATFLAP - upgrade your cat's life with this
  useful bit of intergalactic kit (2 Can Chunder)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9450292

  * LEGO - entirely feasible yet completely
  rubbish Jenga update (op)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9446748

  * TRUMP - summing up the challenge perfectly:
  expensive and stupid, and probably in
  production right now (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9456399

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/reinventingthewheel/


  >> New challenge: Letter Art <<
  This week we'd like you to make an animal or a
  celebrity, or something generally
  recognisable... entirely from letters and
  punctuation. It's like making ascii art, but
  using Photoshop.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterart/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we asked people on twitter what
  they'd like to see:

  * KITTY SHITTY TWITTY - RFID tag your cat & set
  it up to tweet every time it uses the litter
  tray. It'll be huge, twitterers will follow any
  old shit. (via @bounder)

  * IMDOLLATED HEROES - Build dolls of famously
  immolated people, then set them on fire and
  film it. (via @Ikebox)

  * YOUPAIDFORIT.COM - Take photos of MPs' homes
  and make a 'Home Beautiful' style blog to
  feature all the nice things we paid for. 
  (via @bloggerheads)

  Also special mention to @Protowizard who says,
  "I want some sort of literal gingerbread house
  and I want it NOW."

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @ToastMaster,
  @adelleywelley, @dalzinho, @nikroope, planearm,
  Cr3, god save the queen, clopinettes,
  @edwardrussia, @alnapp. Top Tippery by Ugi
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via sadako. Sickipedia love to 
  FoXXyViXen.

  
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  TOP TIP TESCO HACK:

  Want to book a delivery from Tesco more than
  two weeks ahead? Simply edit the URL in their
  dumb-ass web-site. Click a future date range
  and you get a page with a URL including
  "week=1" or "week=2". There's no link to
  anything further ahead, but it works up to
  week=5 by simply editing the page address. So
  you can book your groceries to arrive the
  morning you get back from your 3-week holiday.


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  If I enter Stephen Hawking against his will, am
  I a rapist or a hacker?
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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