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NEWSLETTER: "NO + ROHYPNOL = YES"

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This Week:
* JOKES - Real world testing
* NERDS - Weebl's 8-bit japes
* MUSIC - Terribad 2001

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 394 - 4 Sep 2009

Read princess peach in your bowser. uh:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue394/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Lots of lovely sex toys. Go on, treat yourself

  Black Label sells the coolest sex toys on the
  planet. Here's some for under £25. Get some
  now. Have fun...
http://www.blacklabelsextoys.com/Under50forCouples.asp


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Drums, Games, Death and Fat

  >> Fat man can-can <<
  "Hi dude," gruffs Joel Veitch. "We've
  turned the swearing fat man of internet legend
  into a joyful can can." Why? Because he can.
http://www.rathergood.com/fat_man


  >> Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... <<
  Tom Scott and Fishcat rigourously test the
  truth to the old gag about throwing percussion
  instruments from a great height. Win!
http://snurl.com/drumsyeah


  >> 8-Bit Pwny Club 2 <<
  Weebl's panel of 8-bit experts give their geeky
  rundown of computer games' top 5 most unhealthy
  power-ups.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_Bit_Pwny_CLub_2


  >> Morbid quiz fun <<
  That bird sitting very still in the garden - is
  it alive or a cunningly-fashioned example of
  the taxidermist's art? Think fast, then have a
  bash at busy phil's quiz.
http://reponere.com/deadoralive.php


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Conspiracy Theory Nutters

  We asked for your stories about tin-foil
  helmeted nutters who think we're all controlled
  by shape-shifting lizards. They're wrong, of
  course. It's kittens.
  http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tinfoilhelmet/

  * TRAMP GENIUS - Oxford, a hot summer's Day when
  a scruffy little Irish chappie comes and sits 
  next to me.
  'Hullo there - are ye a student?'
  'Yes, I am'
  'I was a student meself, y'know? Was doing my 
  doctorate and everything, but they got rid of 
  me, the bastards.'
  'Why's that?'
  'Well... I solved physics, and y'know, well... they 
  didn't like that one bit.'
  'You SOLVED physics?'
  'Yes. But they got rid of me. Think about it: If 
  someone solves the whole bloody thing - there's no 
  jobs for all the scientists any more, are there?'
  'Suppose not.'
  'Aye, well... I've come here to try and find a  
  physics student so I can get my ideas to the 
  Faculty. Maybe if there's someone more trustworthy 
  here, I can get it all published. You're not a 
  physics student, I suppose?'
  'Afraid not.'
  'Ah, never mind... have you got £1 for the bus?' 
  (SnowytheRabbit)

  * TEH TRUTH (PART ONE) - I've met a bunch of these 
  people,   and the one thing they've never been 
  able to fully explain is this: If the world really 
  has for centuries been run by a shadowy cabal of 
  financiers/illuminati/Zionists/lizards, why the hell 
  aren't they better at it? Considering the abject 
  chaos that almost all of the world exists in, almost
  all of the time, if someone really is lurking in the 
  background and pulling the strings, they're making 
  a spectacularly cock-awful job of it. (Monkey Tennis)

  * STEPS - I always said that H sang every part
  of the songs released by Steps. He was a
  talented boy who could sing the entire range,
  sometimes sounding like a girl when he did it.
  But the industry couldn't just let him sing.
  He'd be a laughing stock. So, they got three
  girls and another boy to stand around. They
  called this group "Steps", and it explains why
  Steps mimed all their concerts. But then, Steps
  split up. Again, they want to make money, but
  the company feels that the world can't handle H
  singing like a girl again, so they got Claire
  from the old band to stand next to him and
  mime. Thus, "H and Claire". You may look for
  holes in this theory. You will find there are
  none. (Friz)

  * TEH TRUTH (PART TWO) - This post has been
  removed by a moderator. (alastairweller)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Call Centres: Dreadful pits of hellish torture for 
  both customer and the people who work there. Press 1 
  to leave an amusing story.
  http://www.b3ta.com/questions/callcentres/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Zombie family albums <<
  The best way to remember a loved one is with a
  photo of their manky corpse propped up in a
  vaguely lifelike pose with the rest of the
  family. Surely.
  http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/32946


  >> Golly suit <<
  This outfit must be out on hire all the time.
  The ladies love a cool golliwog.
http://snurl.com/goodgollymissmolly


  >> Paper Dogs <<
  Lots of spare paper? Landlord won't let you
  keep a pet? Why not construct one of these
  exquisite 3D models of various doggy flavours?
http://snurl.com/hplazerdogs


  >> People of Walmart <<
  Grotesque gallery of the pond life that lurks
  within your local hypermarket.
http://peopleofwalmart.com/


  >> Turing petition <<
  Sexy maths god Alan Turing wound up getting
  driven to suicide by the government, for being
  gay. Here's a petition asking for an apology.
  Go on, sign an online petition now and CHANGE
  THE FUCKING WORLD!
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/turing/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  "I found a kitten!"
  
  Kim writes - "I made the page in a state of
  panic to seduce a potential adopter. Alas, just
  days later she seduced me. I'm keeping her and
  staying in Shanghai. I still get regular emails
  from unknown interweb users; a kitten is a
  powerful thing."
http://www.olivepixel.com/misc/kitten/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if there was video on the internet...

  >> Good tunes played badly <<
  2001: A Space Odyssey theme, as played by a bad
  school orchestra. Next week we want Chariots of
  Fire played on kazoo whilst a fat kid runs the
  1000m.
http://snurl.com/2001yeah


  >> Pulp Fiction <<
  Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where they
  play out the cultural differences between
  American and France via McDonalds? Imagine it
  the other way round. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pulp_Fiction:2


  >> Hitler's Reaction to the Oasis Split <<
  How many Downfall dubs have there been now? We
  didn't want to like it but couldn't help
  laughing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hitlers_Reaction_to_the_Oasis_Split


  >> MC Pacman and the Puff Blinky <<
  What the world needs now is love sweet love,
  but whilst we're waiting for Jesus to dry hump
  our immortal souls, why not the story of Pacman
  in rap? Worth it for the 2pac gag alone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/PACMAN:3


  >> 100 famous guitar riffs <<
  Enjoyable simply to see how many you can spot,
  or feel annoyed that your favourite isn't
  there. Here's hoping next week we can run
  Patrick Moore with "100 famous 80s keyboard
  riffs on xylophone."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNq94ZaZ0Yk


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Not funny, namey or very cornery
  
  * EVERYBODY LOVES MINGE - next time someone
  asks you to share a photo on twitter why not
  reply, why not "stick it up my quim"? (thx
  @jearle)
http://myqu.im/


  * ANT 'N' DEC TYPOS - coming in as the 3rd most
  viewed item on the Guardian this week is this
  misprint that'll probably be the number 1
  google search return for their name until they
  die. (thx richibald)
http://snurl.com/bumholesandpeepee


  * MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - rob clubley writes,
  "It's a quite posh local eatery in Wellington,
  New Zealand. I don't know about you but my
  dirty mind says this logo is rather cock-like.
  And it's my own photo."
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3549/3882102985_385526d806_o.jpg


  * EVEN MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - chris359alpha
  writes, "Found a rude-looking shop sign today
  in Bolton, thought you might like it." 
http://snurl.com/peniswoofun


  * JAPANESE IPHONE FUN - dmckeeney writes, "How
  on earth do I explain to somebody in Japan that
  the name of their marvellous new product is
  actually a swear word in English."
http://www.i-fukkin.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Steampunk Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate Victorian
  sci-fi.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SHARK - classic meme tweakage as Stephenson's
  Rocket morphs into a splendid Verne-esque
  helicopter (amoebaboy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9665136

  * 1901 - it's a question worth asking: why did
  none of the Apollo astronauts sport spiffy
  facial hair? (enceladus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9663485

  * LUCAS - Industrial Light & Magic in a 19th
  Century stylee (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9662291

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/steampunk/


  >> New challenge: Disney Marvel Mashup <<
  This week Disney acquired Marvel Comics for $4
  billion. Bargain. But how will Marvel's cast of
  characters react to this move? Show us, using
  Photoshop voodoo and trickery. Challenge
  suggested by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marveldisney/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GINGER FUHRER LOVES THE SAUSAGE - Rob
  recently gave up vegetarianism and thought it
  he'd blog about it, then thought, "I wonder if
  I can persuade a newspaper to run it instead"
  and indeed he could, for this dear reader, is
  the magical power of the modern world. Have an
  idea. Email someone and see what happens.
http://snurl.com/clickyclickyclicky


  * MORE PISS FUN - gwilym.webb writes, "I see
  your newsletter response 'DOES HOLDING IN PEE
  CAUSE PROBLEMS?' and I raise you. A little
  while ago in the British Medical Journal there
  was a report about some girls from the
  Wakefield area who'd put their bladders under
  such strain (admittedly with the help of booze)
  that their bladders had burst. Ouch. The
  Guardian gives a nice account."
http://snurl.com/yeahyeahyeaheahea


 * NOT BIGGING UP THE RIGHT GUYS - cielgee moans,
 "I'm sure you'll get a few of these emails, but
 the 'Funny family photos' site you linked was a
 complete rip-off of the popular blog
 AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com -- might want to give
 them props in next week's newsletter and shun
 this copy-cat site like that one watermelon
 shunned the other."
http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Reducing games down to one click

  Occasionally we lay back and fantasise about
  being extremely rich - we recently met some guy
  who reckons a mate of his earned £0.5m via
  flogging an iPhone game. Now, having an iPhone
  our main problem with using them as gaming
  devices is the interface - controlling a little
  character going left/right/up/down etc via
  tapping the screen is unsatisfactory, so we
  reckon the secret is reducing gameplay down to
  one click. We also reckon these people - if
  they release an iPhone conversion - are about
  to become very rich indeed.
http://adamatomic.com/canabalt/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FARE-DODGERS WIKI - Anonymous writes, "Not
  that I ever try to fare evade, but if I know my
  exit tube/train station doesn't have barriers
  then I maybe buy a shorter, cheaper ticket for
  the journey I am completing. But I only know a
  handful of stations well enough! Can we start a
  wiki-type project on a Tube map where people
  can indicate whether stations have barriers?
  Potential to expand to National Rail stations?"
  This reminds us that Camden Road didn't used to
  have a barrier about 10 years ago and we often
  didn't bother to pay then, although it ruined
  our journeys as it gave them a constant "am I
  getting to get caught this time?" anxiety.

  * PLAYDOH DINNER - "Get someone to find their
  old Playdoh pump machine things & use it for
  various catering. Cake icing? Biscuit dough?
  Sausage meat?" (via @EddEgg)

  * BOOZY DRAWINGS - "Draw a picture, take a
  pint, draw the same picture again, take another
  pint, draw it again, etc. Post results on the
  intwerbs." Actually we've seen similar stuff
  done with LSD, but going through differnent
  intoxicants might be interesting. (via
  @hnldesign)

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @toastmaster,
  @DeanBarnett, Kirsty, sequinedsundew,
  iainhasaface, McBadger, Lightguy, Devon Dan,
  The G Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke.
  Sickipedia via the brutal truth. Subjline via
  bloodrocker.
 
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  My girlfriend is a porn star. She's going to be
  so pissed off when she finds out.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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