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NEWSLETTER: "GRAMSCI'S THEORY OF HEGEMONY - THIS IS MY JAM"

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This Week:
* CATS - Being played like drums
* GUNS - How the telly people fib
* MAYOR - Vote Sir Ian Bowler

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Happy Birthday Dave   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   Gorman, Jon Bon Jovi
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    & Mikhail Gorbachev"  

B3ta email 518  - 2 Mar 2012

Rent ebook edition of this issue from a library:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue518 

  Nice cuddles :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Nasty cuddles : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Win stuff for designing a magazine cover

  Design the front cover of PlayStation Access
  Magazine - WIN a Sony DSLR + lenses + Sony
  NEX-7 Compact Camera + new PS Vita
http://bit.ly/zHuOGF

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us. 
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Jesus wept! loads of stuff. Stop it!

  >> "Thank-you, Murdoch!" <<
  "The Sun on Sunday!" croons timoncheese.
  "Or The Sun, now published on Sunday.
  Whatever. I made a song on its launch date to
  celebrate/hate seven days of boobs!" Well, who
  can't get behind boobs?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzS6T9tF3bU


  >> Cute animated robot <<
  "Hey Magic Donkey," randomly insults
  Josephwbear. "My friend Ian made this video
  for my band!" A large reason we enjoyed this
  so much is the continuous production notes
  that pop up and explain how he did stuff.
http://bit.ly/zP0i9H


  >> Hoxton Zoo <<
  "I'd like to welcome you to a brand new
  concept in animal curation," writes Kevin
  James. "You've heard of pop-up bars, pop-up
  cinemas, and pop-up restaurants: now we're
  proud to present the world's first pop-up zoo,
  located in the heart of ultra-cool East
  London." Hoxton's truly got it all.
http://www.hoxtonzoo.com


  >> 'London's 66,000 Guns' <<
  "After being inspired by your very own Tom
  Scott, I did a talk at Ignite London," beams
  michaelwstory. "I bit the hand that feeds me
  and dished dirt on my sometime employers in
  the world of TV documentaries." Fascinating
  5-minute glimpse into the way we're sold on
  urban violence.
http://michaelwstory.com/talk/


  >> Sarah Palin remixed <<
  "Just finished this," sighs smearballs. "And,
  yes that's my ass in ladies' panties at the
  end. My mother is proud." FEAR.
http://bit.ly/whJZcc


  >> Sir Ian Bowler for London Mayor <<
  Tory caricature Sir Ian has announced his
  candidacy for London Mayor, where he'll be
  running against Tory caricature Boris Johnson.
  "Thanks to Bloggerheads, Beau Bo D'Or and all
  the others who've lent a hand," writes
  alter-ego Natt. "Oh, and if anyone wants to
  sign his nomination papers, leave your name &
  borough in the comment or email me."
http://bit.ly/zPzcgV


  >> Postcards Then & Now <<
  "The basic premise is old photographic
  postcards from 100 years ago compared to the
  same view today as shown on Google Street
  View," explains santadog99.
http://postcardsthenandnow.blogspot.com/


  >> Wandering cameras <<
  "Back in the summer of 2010 me and a friend
  left a disposable camera in the middle of
  Covent Garden," explains mrjamiemalcolm. "It
  was labeled with instructions to take a photo,
  relocate and leave behind for the next person.
  43 days and 300 miles later it returned."
  Google Map and pictures here:
http://g.co/maps/ktaa7

  "We are multiplying the idea by 10 on March
  10th, so check it out here:"
http://www.cameraobscuraproject.co.uk/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Corporate Idiocy

  Last week we asked for examples of what
  happens when companies turn out to be run by
  people. Stupid people:
http://b3ta.com/questions/corporateidiocy/

  * RULES IS RULES - "As a fully-paid up member
  of the Asthmatical Society of Britain, every 6
  months or so I have to see an 'Asthma Nurse'
  to have a 10-second chat about my inhaler and
  confirm that I am still alive. The surgery is
  about 10 doors down from where I used to work,
  so I popped in one lunchtime to arrange an
  appointment. I was informed that they were
  only arranging appointments over the phone so
  that people wouldn't have to come into the
  surgery in the middle of a flu epidemic.
  Standing at the reception in the middle of the
  surgery, I asked if maybe it would be easier
  to do it then and there. Nope, rules are
  rules. If I wanted to make an appointment I'd
  have to do it over the phone. I got my mobile
  out to be told that all such devices should be
  switched off upon entering the building. So I
  went outside and made an appointment over the
  phone with a receptionist I could see through
  the window about eight feet away. I was then
  invited back into the building to pick up an
  appointment card, lest I forget the time, day,
  or even address of the building. She at no
  point in all of this gave any sign that she
  thought this entire endeavour completely
  ridiculous." (Guntfuggle Quackblast)

	 
  * NUDERY - "I used to work with a very pretty
  and curvaceous young woman. I mention her
  appearance not to bring out the sweaty-palmed
  amongst you, but because it is relevant to the
  tale. Like many companies, it gradually
  changed from a funky dotcom startup into
  something more corporate. One day, one of the
  suits decided that we needed a weekly
  Management Report, summarising progress in our
  department of hairy IT geeks and snarling
  sysadmins. And it fell to the gorgeous hero of
  our tale to write this report, and submit it
  each week. After several weeks, she started to
  wonder if anybody was actually reading it. So
  that week's report contained the now legendary
  entry, somewhere near the back: '"Naked
  Wednesday" was a big success. I've been asked
  to organise another very soon.' Despite being
  leering, boorish letches to a man, not one of
  the management team commented on this. After
  that, she didn't put much effort into the
  report." (moon monkey)

	 
  * HATE - "Years ago the company I worked for
  invested a huge proportion of its annual
  profit with a 'performance consultancy' to
  take the sales team off-site on a 2-day
  motivational course in Brighton. The sales
  team consisted of eight people of varying age
  and experience. First day-and-a-half was
  bog-standard fare: team-building exercises,
  presentations, strategic planning and a heavy
  night on the piss. But the final afternoon was
  the stuff of legend. Every person was sent
  away for an hour to compile a dossier on every
  other member of the team. Their profiling
  should include two things they liked about
  each person and one thing they disliked. After
  the hour was up we regrouped and took it in
  turns to say our piece to every other member
  of the team. Two things became quickly
  apparent. 1) It was clearly hard for people to
  come up with two things they liked about their
  colleagues. 2) People were not content to only
  list one thing they disliked. It was a
  horrible session that culminated in three
  people taking the train home early and four
  resigning the following Monday morning. Money
  well spent." (BinDipper)


  >> This Week - First World Problems <<
  It's hard when your cruise liner fails to
  quite deliver the luxury you demand. Still, at
  least world news organisations are there for
  you in your aircon-less misery. Tell us your
  tales of out of touch self-pity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/firstworldproblems/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> WTF QR Codes <<
  QR codes are the mess of pixels advertisers
  stick on posters. The theory is that you point
  your phone at it and you can find out more.
  Quite why that's better than just, we dunno,
  just printing a URL or "google 'cornflakes'"
  we don't know. Equal amounts of bafflement 
  and amusement here:
http://wtfqrcodes.com


  >> Star Wars suggested viewing order <<
  For us the answer is simple. Just watch the
  first one then, if you really must, Empire
  & Jedi. Apparently the answer is more
  complicated than that.
http://bit.ly/rAuMoX


  >> Crazy Lady <<
  8 minutes of audio from a New Zealand Radio
  show, reading out a text exchange after a
  one-night stand. It's amazing.
http://bit.ly/wbIDEW


  >> Custom case for Raspberry Pi <<
  Lots of love for the Pi this week - we get the
  appeal to hobbyists but the whole teaching
  kids to program stuff with Michael Gove sounds
  a bit unlikely and opportunistic. Anyway - to
  the doubters who think it should come with a
  case - eBay provides:
http://bit.ly/zFBZ7r

   
   >> Most interesting pants in London? <<
   Nice collection of photos of an abandoned
   clothing shop. Lucky it wasn't a food shop.
http://cl.ly/Ebl8 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with with a screen covered in snot

  >> Cat slap solo <<
  One man, one ironing board, two cats, pure
  gold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJlualhdUpc


  >> Slow-motion flint & steel <<
  Transitions rapidly from 'two blokes mucking
  about with fire in the garden' to 'moment of
  dreamlike, ethereal beauty' and then back
  again.
http://youtu.be/qO9g1_BTz0o


  >> Never steal a hacker's laptop <<
  Computer nerd proudly recounts how he utterly
  pwned the guy that stole his laptop. Or at
  least the hapless schmuck who bought his laptop
  off some dodgy guy in the pub.
http://goo.gl/dahlH


  >> Prometheus TED promo <<
  Inspired bit of marketing for the upcoming
  Alien prequel - Guy Pearce's TED talk as
  corporate genius Peter Weyland. Kind of makes
  us want a film of just him - it could be like
  the good bits from Iron Man.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Prometheus_clip_promo


  >> Too much MDMA <<
  Kids, this is why drugs are not cool. Or maybe
  why they're so much fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIYN64FC-AY


  >> Interview with a KKK guy <<
  Ex-Klansman recalls how they were all beaten
  by "one, old black guy." Mind-boggling stuff,
  particularly the Klan guy's expectations of
  what black people would be like, before
  meeting one.
http://goo.gl/3KZgM


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Some names this week. Still not funny.

  * DUBIOUS RACIST LOLS - Boinkpl informs us,
  "Despite all appearances, it's not super
  racist!" Hmm, we're not so sure about that as,
  by our reckoning, this has been set up
  specifically for the gag and isn't in any way
  real.
http://bigbustycoons.com/Homepage.html


  * RED LOLRY YELLOW LOLRY - drpeterwilliams
  writes, "I followed a lorry with this on the
  back last week. You might say I was right up
  its arse."
http://www.fuchslubricants.com/


  * OH THE FRENCH - stuburchett writes, "You
  don't seem to like my ideas for Funny Name
  Corner but surely this player for Marseille
  and France is worthy of a mention?" Don't
  take it personally, we don't like "any*
  ideas for Funny Name Corner.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Fanni


  * HE WORKS FOR ACER - and thanks to Valentin
  is now moderately more famous. Please don't
  send him crank email.
http://tw.linkedin.com/pub/easy-lai/21/55/733


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: PICS TO POST ON FACEBOOK 
  in a self-hating attempt at popularity 
  
  * NEVER LEAVE YOUR COCKATIEL NEAR A CHOCOLATE
  FOUNTAIN - a wise lesson in life.
http://i.imgur.com/VtJkg.jpg


  * ADVICE FROM ROUTER COMPANY TO CAT OWNER - we
  had a similar problem with our cat and the
  powerpack for the ZX81.
http://i.imgur.com/QvEhW.jpg


  * BEST PHOTO OF NICK CAVE EVER - also he's 54,
  so we're betting he uses a lot of hair dye.
http://bit.ly/wqL5Pj


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: CUTE ANIMAL SHIT FOR IDIOTS
  No no, we don't mean it

  @tjh informs us that Buzzfeed are listing the
  "26 Happiest Animals In The World". Doesn't
  include the ones that inherit millions from
  batty owners mind you.
http://goo.gl/aaoaC


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: AMAZON TAT
  Where to hide your drugs

  We recently had to babysit a cat for a friend
  whilst they went on holiday and noticed an
  obvious drugs box in the kitchen. You know the
  type; wooden, vaguely hippyish Indian patterns
  on it. Sure enough, opening it, there were
  Rizlas and bits of old lighters etc in it. It
  got us thinking - people need drug boxes that
  aren't so bloody obvious. Like this - a small
  safe disguised as Karl Marx's Das Kapital, your
  local plod isn't going to open that and bust
  you when you invite him round after you've been
  burgled are they?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002VWP4IS/b3ta-21  


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Austerity Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make well-known
  things cheaper

  Your favourites included:
 
  * POSH - Tory triumvirate resurface as Peckham
  traders (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10701345
 
  * WESTMINSTER - the House of Commons, rendered
  via the medium of threaded forum discussion
  (HappyToast)  
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10704501
  
  * WIND - of all the cheap energy alternatives,
  this is the cheapest (Snappyuk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10700270
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/austerity/


  >> New challenge: Bowdlerisation <<
  What would well-known movies/TV shows/ album
  covers etc be like if meddling Mary Whitehouse
  types were in charge and could censor
  everything? Challenge suggested by Drunken
  Mademoiselle Heau.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bowdlerisation/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * T-SHIRTS COMPO RESULTS - last week asked
  "what is your favourite swearing?"  to win 5
  T-shirts. The winners:
  1. "cuntbubble" - Wasp Box
  2. "My favourite swearing is cunt / Its near
  the arse, but at the front / I'd argue is
  better than shit if is pleases / I'd fuck your
  cunt but not your faeces" - PhillieJoe
  3. "My favourite swearing is on a bible.  I
  like to say cunt while holding one" - The
  Twisted Omentum
  4. "go and take a running fuck up your own
  cunt" - drbroon
  5. "My favourite swearing is "faggot
  butterfly" in Hungarian." - The Hedgehog From
  Hell.
  
  Make sure you get in touch ASAP with your size
  / address to send them to. Or if you want to
  buy one? Go to the shotdead site:  
http://goo.gl/s4y1D


  * 10 YEARS OF NEWSLETTERS? REALLY? skeltonator
  writes, "Amazingly, in three newsletters' time
  it's going to be the 10th newsletter
  anniversary! I do hope you are going to do
  something special like sacrifice a kitten or
  something." Blimey. Maybe we should get a new
  hobby.


  * MEAT CAKE - intesvensk writes, "I see in the
  newsletter that you are interested in meat
  cake. A couple years ago, my friend, Tim, cut
  sugar out of his diet. On his 30th birthday,
  he was very confused as to why we had made him
  a cake, why we were serving it before dinner,
  and why it weighed about 10lbs. He soon found
  out the meaty, delicious reasons behind our
  sinister giggles."
http://goo.gl/gbkdN


  * THANKS FOR SOMETHING WE DON'T REMEMBER -
  johninchester writes, "I hope you don't mind,
  but we copied your idea and made the Council
  Twitter Bullshit detector. It's really winding
  up spin doctors. Follow @councilbullshit on
  Twitter :)"

  
  * EMAILS FROM SOCIOPATHS - chris writes,
  "Spike some dog biscuits with speed, feed some
  to a guide dog for the blind, then video the
  carnage :-)" Blimey, let's not do that, eh kids?


  * PLANS FOR THE B3TAN AUCTION CONTINUE - with
  some really quite interesting art created by
  board members.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/For_the_B3ta_Tauction


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CELEBRITY-DEATH-GIFS.COM - every time a celeb
  dies we get these gifs on the board. A whole
  site of them would be very popular - if not
  something we'd really want to run ourselves, as
  it's a bit ghoulish. (Another celebrity death,
  more content for the internet machine. "Feed
  me death!" demands the web as she scoops the
  body into her HTML maw. etc)

  * MOON-BASED TAX HAVEN - seeing as people
  register companies in Gibraltar whilst clearly
  operating in the UK - why not the Moon? It
  would be just as farcical, yet somehow much,
  much cooler.

  * A POTTY THAT SAYS "YUM YUM YUM" EVERY TIME
  YOU POO IN IT - we're toilet-training a
  toddler at the moment and we think this might
  help.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Twats:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by HappyToast,
  waz4444, RHINO=HARDCORE, glenbo, jakedamusss,
  Markygee, Kompani, WiL, @evarley, @stevejbeck,
  McMookMac, Gratch, @distinguishthis,
  @achrismiller,  @natduffy, monkdagola,
  SnowyTheRabbit, ALittleMouseWithClogsOn &
  @iamamro. If we had £1 for every wank, by
  now we'd have a very sore penis. "Keep going,"
  said the wife "just another 48 ejaculations
  for the leccy bill". Image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top Tip via
  GLITTERWEvilsprinklesANK. 

  
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  TOP TIP:
  Rid yourself of annoying telemarketers by
  asking them if they sell anything BUT what
  they're trying to flog you. Keep going until
  they get annoyed and hang up.

  
  Still looking for something else to read? You
  could do worse than check out board stalwart
  Gonz's blog. "My dyslexic and the blog is my
  take on how I see words," he claims.
http://wordsbygonz.tumblr.com/

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