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NEWSLETTER: "IMAGINE BONO. THERE YOU GO, RUINED YOUR DAY"

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"IMAGINE BONO. THERE YOU GO, RUINED YOUR DAY"
This Week:
* ENORMOUS - Gigantic Toffee Crisp
* INNUENDO - Masterchef muck
* UNHELPFUL - One-Star Amazon reviews

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Sticking poo in your     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    inbox since 2001
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     and still doing it"

B3ta email 520  - 16 Mar 2012

Read this issue on phone whilst crossing a road:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue520 

   Mystic Meg :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Mystic Smeg : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: CAPITAL by JOHN LANCHESTER (sponsored linky)
  5 signed copies to be won
  
  Capital is an extraordinary read - the story
  of why our economy is sick, in novel form.
  A real state of the nation book that has the
  epic scope of The Wire and left us terrified
  of the coming austerity apocalypse.
  
  We think you should read it and we've got five
  signed copies to give away. Simply answer this
  question in 50 words or less, "What will your
  life be like in 2021?" Best answers, according
  to our cabal of sinister judges, will get
  the books.
http://b3ta.com/board/10719652


  Or, alternatively, buy the book on Amazon.
  Less than a tenner and more thought-provoking
  than spending yet another evening poking
  social media.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0571234607/b3ta-21
  

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Too many things to mention. No really.

  >> Masterchef Professionals innuendo <<
  "I finished a new Masterchef: The Professionals
  filth vid at 4am this morning (as it was the
  Masterchef Final last night and I don't
  sleep)," confesses Cope&Dalton's Henry. "If you
  want it, it couldn't be hotter off the
  presses!" Oh, we want it alright.
http://bit.ly/yMNkji


  >> Giant Toffee Crisp <<
  "A while back I made a giant KitKat Chunky,"
  reminds corruptia. "The sugar high wore off, so
  I made this giant Toffee Crisp. Enjoy!" A
  perfect slice of nerdy cookery - we even loved
  the music.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Giant_Toffee_Crisp


  >> Decided to become a Reply Girl <<
  "Reply Girls are cleavagically gifted young
  ladies who find popular videos on Youtube and
  post reply videos to them saying nothing in
  particular, but focus on their boobs," reports
  Cap'n. "I thought this was a brilliant idea,
  and as an attractive, sexually comfortable
  young woman I decided to make a couple."
http://bit.ly/xIIkuX


  >> Stuart Ashen gets advertising gig <<
  Ashen's rise to the top has been extremely
  exciting for us B3ta overlords, we feel like
  proud pigeons seeing their young fly for the
  first time, swooping majestically over the
  landscape rather than plummeting to their
  death. Ashen has produced a really quite
  unusual advert too, which deserves your
  attention. Firstly you need to watch the set-up
  which is unobtrusively placed in one of his
  normal videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE8c3E_VZmY#t=423s

  Then watch the payoff. Oh my fucking God.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iOfVgZYu28


  >> Draw the Shitler <<
  Self-explanatory printed toilet paper, invented
  by liathan and now for sale. "I could use your
  help," he pleads, "It's really funny, it's my
  idea and I printed 1000 rolls in China. And now
  my room is overcrowded!"
http://www.drawtheshitler.com


  >> Trolling bigoted protesters in Adelaide <<
  "Like all great cities, Adelaide has her very
  own bunch of local bigots. Every Friday a group
  of 15 oh-so-Christian twats meet in a place
  called Rundle Mall to shout out "Slut!" or
  "Fag!" at passersby and generally spoil
  everyone's day," explains Sanderson Jones who,
  like all comedians, is touring Australia right
  now. "I decided it would be fun to wind them up
  a bit."
http://youtu.be/iaz2rxmcWyg


  >> An Open Letter to 1998 <<
  "With apologies to John Cooper Clarke," adds
  Bela Lugosi's Dad with a series of dour,
  northern warnings to the era of Seinfeld, Pope
  John Paul II and the 333MHz Pentium chip.
http://bit.ly/wEhRlg


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINKY WOO
  Recursive todo lists

  Do you know the three Rs? That's recursion,
  recursion, recursion. The difference between
  Pendactive and just any todo list is that it
  allows infinite nesting for tasks. Imagine
  that. No more lists falling apart because you
  get three levels deep and the software just
  can't cope. Genius on a stick.
http://www.pendactive.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Lies that went on too long

  We asked for the little lies you had to keep
  going a lot longer than you wanted:
http://b3ta.com/questions/liesthatwentontoolong/

  * TWENTY YEAR LIE - "Last year of university,
   five blokes trying to find jobs. Bob had a
   good opportunity with a bank, his absolute
   dream job. Now Bob professed to taking massive
   drugs. The night before his interview as he
   was giving us his drugs stories, Mike produced
   a small pink pill, saying he didn't know what
   it was, but it was reputedly strong stuff. Bob
   necked it and for the rest of the evening said
   he was a little light-headed but nothing odd.
   Next day Bob returned with a tale of woe: told
   there was a drugs test, Bob had run out of the
   offices. Bye-bye nice job. Mike felt awful.
   He'd told the rest of us that it was a child's
   sore-throat tablet, but now Bob had messed up
   the offer of a good job and Mike couldn't bear
   to tell Bob the truth. We eventually found jobs,
   girls, then marriage, kids. Except Bob: he
   drifted in and out of temporary jobs, travelling
   to Eastern Europe, Asia and then Australia,
   where he moved in with a girl and took a job
   which was nothing special, but allowed him to
   live. All this time Mike was convinced he'd caused
   this by his lie. Ten years on when we all met up,
   Mike couldn't hold it back any longer: he was so
   sorry, he felt awful. "That's all right mate.
   Still, I wonder what might have been, eh..."
   Mike left soon after. As soon as he was gone Bob
   burst out laughing. He'd realised the pill was
   nothing. In reality he'd had a change of heart.
   He'd had a great time travelling the world, and
   he couldn't be happier. That was 10 years ago.
   Bob still hasn't told Mike. The twenty-year lie,
   still going."
(Smale)
	 
  * YESH - "Walked into a quiet pub and for some
   inexplicable reason, I ordered a pint in a
   Scottish accent. It just came out. I think I'd
   been thinking in Sean Connery's voice (which I
   heartily recommend to add a bit of character to
   your own internal monologues) Got chatting to
   the barman while waiting for my friend to turn
   up. Still in Scottish accent. When he turned up,
   I explained what was going on, and continued
   sitting at the bar and speaking in a Scottish
   accent all night. Got easier and more natural
   as I drank more, strangely."
(SnowyTheRabbit )
	 
  * HEARD IT ALL BEFORE - "God made me pregnant,
   Joseph, I swear".
(TheManWithThePlan)


  >> This Week - Training Courses <<
  Have you been trained? Did it make much
  difference? Or did you merely learn how to
  drink a lot in a hotel? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/trainingcourses/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  >> Rock'n'roll tedium <<
  Imagine spending a few seconds with the gods of
  our age. You'd write about it too, even if it
  was a bit dull.
http://rockandrolltedium.tumblr.com/


  >> Classic nudes, improved <<
  Famous paintings of naked ladies get magazine
  photoshop treatment. To be fair, there was a
  time when the standard for beauty was 'looks
  like she can afford to eat food'.
http://bit.ly/zYzG37


  >> Cholafied <<
  Mystifying tumblr of celebrities made over as
  latina gangstas. The Hoff is the best - but
  then when is he not the best?
http://bit.ly/wXnTfg


  >> Michael Jackson sightings <<
  Is Jacko really dead? Or did he fake it, to
  escape from the grind of fame - but is sending
  coded messages back to his fans? Draw your own
  conclusions from this entertaining collection
  of 'sightings'. Spoiler: He is dead.
http://www.michaeljacksonsightings.com/


  >> Jazz Nazis <<
  Stringent set of musical rules laid out by the
  Nazi Party on what is and isn't permissible for
  musicians. BTW: It's worth looking up some
  stuff on Berlin's 1930s jazz scene - those guys
  were fighting the Nazis before it was cool.
  What a bunch of hipsters.
http://bit.ly/xKLcLm


  >> Autoplay internet sounds <<
  There's nothing we used to enjoy more than
  opening a website and having it abruptly
  serenade us with some crappy tune. Relive those
  heady days of late 90s web design, with this
  collection of sites with soundtracks. 
http://soundsoftheinternet.com/


  >> Chain pub piss-dungeon <<
  One of those tales of sexual depravity that you
  swear must be an urban myth but - look - there
  are photos of the scene, plus the guy who found
  it is my wife's sister's boyfriend's cousin.
http://bit.ly/z4xWyu


  >> Least helpful reviews <<
  Big lols from a liberal dollop of those
  one-star Amazon reviews written by young
  children or "morans". Eg. Animal Farm - one
  star - "unrealistic because the animals talk". 
http://leasthelpful.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  
  Suicide has been staved off another week with
  small bits of misanthropic humour from the
  imaginary season of Friends 11. Best bit? The
  cast photo with Jennifer Aniston replaced with
  Iggy Pop. (A comparison that George Clooney's
  g/f Elisabetta Canalis made famous in 2010;
  how bitchy!) 
https://twitter.com/FriendsSeason11


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a VHS but with no tapes. AMAZING! 

  >> Michael Bolton meets the Lonely Island <<
  Peacocking for the ladies sabotaged by
  colossal, insurmountable nerdiness.
http://tinyurl.com/3ep5og3


  >> 21st century's first great protest song <<
  "My first thought on seeing Ill Manors was 'my
  wife will want to blog this,'" scribbles Ginger
  Fuhrer Rob. Raging rapper disturbingly framed
  against the flames of last year's riots.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8GvLKTsTuI


  >> Interviewed by your past self <<
  In 2002, two friends made a pact to meet up in
  ten years' time and complete the interviews
  they recorded for their future selves. This is
  that year. Now they're raising the cash to make
  a professional job of it. 
http://beta.indiegogo.com/decades


  >> The Gravity Stool <<
  Add iron powder to a plastic resin and apply
  super-strong magnets and you get furniture
  extruded by science. "I so want one of these,"
  wheedles Chthonic, in a vague attempt to get
  someone to buy him one.
http://vimeo.com/34773498


  >> Milligan's '70s race-based sitcom <<
  Sadly, only one episode of The Melting Pot
  (1975) was ever broadcast, but here's a brief
  taster of Spike Milligan's lost, black-face
  masterpiece.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZPFOKzj0Q4


  >> iPad ukulele <<
  Hipsters! Throw away those tiresome, authentic
  wooden instruments - now you can carry out even
  more of your daily routine without ever having
  to relinquish grasp on your precious, precious
  iPad.
http://t.co/0SdFDGA3


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny with an invisible 'un'

  * DOC DOC DOC DOC DOCTOR KUHNT - The Coast Of
  Yemen writes, "Is the Funny Name Corner still
  considered funny? A friend of mine had the
  pleasure of dealing with this amusingly-named
  lecturer whilst studying in Germany."
http://www.statistik.tu-dortmund.de/kuhnt.html


  * RANDY BAUMGARDNER, COLORADO LEGISLATOR - as
  Wikipedia states, "He is possibly more well
  known as the recipient of the American Academy
  for Humorous and Unfortunate Names (AAHUN)
  award for 'Most Unfortunate Name in a Political
  Profession' for 2008, 2009 and 2010. He lost
  the title in 2011 to New York Representative
  Andrew Weiner."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randy_Baumgardner


  * MINGE - WillF writes, "I suspect that only
  Anglophiles such as myself noticed this story
  in my local paper, and I immediately thought
  of the newsletter's funny name corner. Here
  you go."
http://bit.ly/AsGkKg


-------------------------------------------------

: ON THE B3TA RECORD PLAYER
  Give these a spin, plop pickers

  * SYMPHONY OF SCIENCE IS A MUSICAL PROJECT OF
  JOHN D BOSWELL - you've probably heard the Carl
  Sagan one but this week we learned that there's
  a whole album to buy. It's lovely. And you can
  name your price - or even get it free.
http://symphonyofscience.com/


  * NEW KUNT ALBUM, SLOPPY SECONDS - Kunt writes,
  "The story behind one of the tracks 'You
  brought a paedo along to 5-a-side' - it's a
  real life story about this bloke who came to
  our Monday night indoor footy who got
  convicted of being an online nonce. He used
  the offer of free furniture on Habbo Hotel to
  lure them in - I suppose that's the modern day
  equivalent of puppies in his boot. Actually
  re-reading it there's not much funny about it.
  It's quite harsh. But the song is nice and
  jaunty."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007I7OOZK/b3ta-21


  BTW: Kunt is doing a gig at Fiddlers Elbow,
  North London, Friday week (March 23). Seeing
  as this is literally a 15-minute walk from
  B3ta HQ, we'll be there. Maybe you will too?
http://kunt2012.eventbrite.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Meta-Gerbils

  Vampyre_gem writes, "For your 'things that
  make you go ahhh' section. We're a little
  obsessed with pets, 10 gerbils, cat, dog and
  fish and no signs of slowing down really. But
  it turned out one of the boy gerbs was a girly
  gerb and ended up getting knocked up. She had
  6 pups, one of whom died. 4 are doing well and
  growing and the other is called 'Tripod' as he
  one has 3 paws and is tiny compared to the
  rest. Anyway, took this picture of him,
  thought the rest of the world would like to
  see. Hope he pulls through!"

  Hmm. Vampyre_gem didn't give us a link and it
  vaguely amuses us to have all that build up
  them FLUMP! No link. So use your imagination
  to think up some disabled gerbils. Yay, how cute.


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Hedgehogs Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate hedgehogs

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ATTACK: terrifying confrontation with
    prickly foe (maiden)  
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10716838
 
  * ITCH: awww! look at the distressed 
    little hog, all riddled with disease! 
    (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10713603
  
  * DARWIN: startling flora/fauna 
    interface action (Joe Scaramanga) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10712394
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hedgehogs/


  >> New challenge: Beasts Of War <<
  Dogs, horses and pigeons are all well 
  known for being used in wars to patrol 
  borders, carry soldiers and pass on 
  messages. Show us the lesser known 
  animals that have been put to use in the 
  art of war. Challenge suggested by 
  ferret
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/warbeasts/


-------------------------------------------------

: A WARNING FROM HISTORY
  The Radar chap, Sir Robert Watson-Watt

  Brilliantly the inventor of RADAR was caught
  speeding in his car by a radar gun and wrote
  an ironic poem about it: 

    "Pity Sir Robert Watson-Watt,
      strange target of this radar plot
    And thus, with others I can mention,
      the victim of his own invention.
    His magical all-seeing eye
      enabled cloud-bound planes to fly
    but now by some ironic twist
      it spots the speeding motorist
    and bites, no doubt with legal wit,
      the hand that once created it."

  We mention this not simply as whimsy but that
  it's an eternal story - you make your idea
  real with the best of intentions but you
  have no control of how it'll be used by
  authority. A story that parallels this is this
  week's complaint from influential programmer
  and blogger Andy Baio, who talks "How Yahoo
  Weaponized My Work."
http://bit.ly/yQavXt


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * SOME THOUGHTS ON CYBER-UTOPIANISM - Official
  B3ta wife writes about Adam Curtis,
  Cyber-utopianism & Education 2.0. Not
  something we'd normally run but we think
  there's a subset of B3tans who'll enjoy this.
  You big bunch of (lovely) Cyber-utopians in
  decaying fractal T-shirts and listening to The
  Future Sound of London.
http://bit.ly/A8WU5w


  * THE TASTE OF FEMALE MUSCLE - Kung_Fu_russ
  writes, "Do male and female chickens taste
  different? Fuck knows, but I can tell you that
  Mussels taste different depending on their
  sex. When you buy mussels, you'll notice that
  some of them are clearly more orange coloured,
  and much sweeter tasting. They're the female
  ones. So, just to clarify, Lady-clams are
  tastier than man-mussels."


  * YOUR RIGHT TO PARODY RUMBLES ON - Video
  artist Swede Mason (of 'Masterchef
  Synaesthesia' fame) tells ORGZine why he needs
  the right to parody. 
http://bit.ly/xG5MRl

  
  * PSYCHOTIC EMAIL OF THE WEEK - really don't
  know what they are referring to. Dissuper
  writes, "You can take your fu(&Y(*^&^ games
  off any new computers. I have been playing
  your stupid games for 2 weeks and have not won
  once. This is bull shit. I guess you delight
  in pissing people off. Well I will delete all
  of your dam games and use my own, at least I
  have more fun, where I can win. You can stuff
  your games up your ass. You ought to be tarred
  and feathered and ran out of town."


  * IN DEFENCE OF QR CODES PART TWO - krang
  writes, "My new bicycle has a QR code next to
  the serial number. Rather than having to jot
  it down, I just scanned the code with my phone
  and emailed it to myself. This clever
  implementation of technology saved me a total
  of about four seconds."


  * PISSING ON YOUR CAR REDUX - several years
  ago your Ginger Fuhrer wrote a track about
  peeing on a car. Googling for it finds this
  epic and disturbing remix from a mysterious
  person on the YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIKiHaMcEow


  * ON THAT BANKSY VIDEO LAST WEEK - apparently
  he didn't actually write the text. The chap
  who did amusingly describes himself as "a
  beautiful flower angel sent from heaven to
  inspire Banksy." 
http://bit.ly/ywg9UB

 
  * READERS' SHEDS: CALL FOR SHEDS - @unclewilco
  writes, "Entries now open for Shed of the Year."
http://www.readersheds.co.uk


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * SHOUT LIKE BRIAN BLESSED DAY - October 9th
  would be a good day as that's his birthday.
  Can someone organise it please?
  
  * BANK CARD READER HACKS - we worked out that the
  LloydsTSB PinSentry has a graphic resolution
  of 60x14 - should be enough to play Snake.
  Someone should hack it.

  * SONGS WRITTEN FOR V/O FUN - write a song
  about being a lonely and poor V/O artist. Send
  the lyrics to one of those crowdsourced V/O sites
  to be read out. Mix into a song using some pitchy
  shifty stuff.
http://voicebunny.com/

  * SCOTCH EGGS - delicious eggs pickled in
  scotch. Yum.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

: THREE THINGS WE'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK
  Learn from us, wise grey-bearded B3tans

  * If TV reflected real life, East Enders would
  just be couples using separate laptops and
  occasionally muttering. "What did you say?"
  "Nothing"

  * Twitter is a conspiracy to record our stupid
  comments so that if we ever gain power we can
  be hung by our own words

  * Flicking Vs and waving a potato peeler is a
  particularly ineffectual way of getting the
  neighbours cat to go away


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSOR B£TA
  We're the Goldman Sachs of Internet newsletters

  The best way for you to support B3ta is to
  tell your friends about it. Tell them to read
  the B3ta newsletter. Simple. Also you could
  consider buying advertising with us.
  Especially if you're sitting on a bit of
  marketing budget and nobody will really miss
  it if you bung a few quid our way. We wish to
  export our version of economic liberalism to
  rival Internet newsletters but we can't afford
  the guns.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: DARTH VADER T-SHIRTS
  Clever winners announced
  
  Last week we asked you to complete the
  sentence , "If I met George Lucas I'd like
  to...." Your 5 bestest replies were:
  
  * "Ask him if he can survive the winter, using
  only the food he has stored in his neck pouch"
  (masamoony)

  * "Wobble his fucking goitre going 'graaaah'
  like Chewbacca" (drbroon)

  * "Blow a raspberry on his hairy belly,
  glistening with sweat." (Windy Pig)

  * "Take him to a strip club and convince him
  to drunkenly fuck one of the strippers. Then
  I'd blackmail him. With the money I'd buy a
  T-shirt. And Wales." (Noctu)

  * "Tell him I think Little Britain is shit and
  he should go back to doing Shooting Stars." (2
  Can Chunder)  

  If you didn't win then you can buy a Darth
  Vader shirt at Truffle Shuffle.
http://bit.ly/rWMefg


-------------------------------------------------

   Friends :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Haters :  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Matt_Muir,
  Matt Round, uke, @shenannegins,
  nickbeddows2002, sinisterduck, @whoojemaflip,
  Rosie Leland, @pieceoplastic, Dougald Lamont,
  @dotmund, @codepo8 Image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top Tip by
  Lord Darkheart The Destroyer.

  QOTW minion ScaryDuck has a book out, "Samuel
  Pepys: Lust for Glory", and the Kindle edition
  only costs £2.56. You should buy it:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007K8VOWI/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Save money on McCain Baked Potatoes by buying
  a potato and baking it.

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