NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT ALREADY, TYPE 'ENGLISH PERSON' IN TO GOOGLE"
This Week:
* JON SNOW - animated news antics
* JINGLES - for Gordon Brown
* SEXY MODELS - falling over
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving all your
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | GIFS to hand over to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the police... together"
B3ta email 533 - 15 Jun 2012
Pretend to read this issue via Tor & VPN:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue533
Subscribe : [email protected]
Snubscribe : [email protected]
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> It's Jon Snow! <<
"I drew this and made it move," brags
mushybees, to whom Channel 4 News anchorman Jon
Snow is naught but a whimsical puppet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_Jon_Snow
>> Rejected children's books <<
"Some kids' books I can't seem to get
published," laments under-appreciated genius
douggypledger. Shame.
http://www.douggy.com/category/artwork/stoopid-sto...
>> Olympignorance <<
"My thoughts on this Olympic stuff," writes
somegreybloke. He makes some good points, such
as why athletes don't use their superhuman
skills to fight crime, instead of hoarding
shiny pieces of metal.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Olympignorance
>> Cat vs. lawnmower <<
"A close shave for stunt cat," sweats Black
Moon. Don't worry, readers - eleven cats were
harmed in the making of this video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_v_Lawnmower
>> Bowl Date <<
"Technically, this isn't self-promotion,"
claims Brett Domino, "As it's my cousin,
Yorkshire-based dubstep producer C-Bomb."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Getting Old
We wanted the things that had brought home to
you that you were getting old and creaky. Read
on and realise that you too are an old fucker:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gettingold2/
* FLIRT - "In Subway, the cute teenager
assembling my lunch told me I had, "a really lovely
voice." Thinks: "Wahey! You might be old enough
to be her dad, but by Christ you've still got
it." No. Her next remark? "You remind me of my
granddad reading me bedtime stories when I was
little". (all my scars face forward)
* MOSH - "Working security at Download this year
I struck up a conversation with a gent who had
just come away from the second stage looking
rather unsteady on his feet. He told me that
he was having a break from the crowd because
he'd got caught by someone's elbow in a moshpit
and it had winded him, but he'd be going back
in, 'to get the little fucker.' He was 83 years
old. I no longer feel that I'm too old for
anything." (Munsta)
* FORGOT - "You know that lost feeling that
creeps over you when you walk into a room,
stop and pause, and then can't remember what
you went in for? That just happened to me.
Only the room was called Asda and I had a
trolley with me." (R. Jimlad)
>> This Week - The Apocalypse <<
Power cuts, internet outages, mild inconvenience
to your daily life - how do you cope? Tell us
your tales of pointless panic-buying and hiding
under the stairs:
http://b3ta.com/questions/apocalypse/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Jingle Writer <<
Leemondus writes, "I've got some jingle
writing work coming up, so was doing a bit of
research and stumbled across this site. I might
as well give up now if the competition's this
good." Hmm, possibly a little sarcasm here as
the jingles on offer here are... let's say
'unique'. The one to promo Gordon Brown at
the last General Election is particularly strong.
http://www.jinglewriter.co.uk/
>> Pointer pointer <<
Cute technique that uses people pointing within
photos to find your mouse cursor. The second
link takes you to another variation, using
camera flashes. Now have a go with erect
willies or lady nipples and win the internet.
http://www.pointerpointer.com/
http://flitser.org/
>> Crazy arcade flyers <<
Travel back in time to when arcade cabinets
were advertised with sexism, wrestling and
Dolly Parton.
http://crazyarcadeflyers.tumblr.com/
>> New internet domains <<
Icaan now allow anything to be registered
instead of .com, assuming you've got the cash.
If there was ever a gold-rush of lies then this
is it. Check out the big list of stupid new
domains.
http://bit.ly/L4MYed
>> 9 Abandoned Islands Where Time Has Stopped <<
If we ever had any real money we'd love our own
abandoned island. We'd fill it full of snakes
and tell everyone to fuck off. HGAHAHAAA.
http://bit.ly/ObTFuA
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place to start, as it offers experts to guide
you through on what to buy. Or, of course, you
can just buy what you like.
http://monetisetrk4.co.uk/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if the internet could play TV!!!
>> The reality of being a pro-skateboarder <<
Skateboarding is one of those things that
people would love to be awesome at, without, of
course, any intention of having to practice.
Here's what's involved in getting good -
hypnotic.
http://bit.ly/Mbq3to
>> Doped-up wisdom teeth guy <<
There's a reason they don't let you leave on
your own, after having your wisdom teeth taken
out. And that reason is the truly excellent
drugs that this guy is enjoying:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Mario goes berserk <<
Moustachioed Italian plumber power-ups into
8-bit killing machine.
‏http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Aliens: The Musical <<
The triumphant return of Jon and Al Kaplan -
the disembodied, floating brains behind Conan:
The Musical and the extraordinary Silence of
the Lambs: The Musical.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Amazing Moiré patterns <<
Moiré patterns are those weird interference
effects you get when two grids are overlaid at
different angles. It's usually really annoying,
if you're printing stuff out, but this book
makes them beautiful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Poemotion
>> Art Will Save The World <<
"I've just bought tickets to the premier of the
Luke Haines film 'Art Will Change The World'",
brags Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel. "You can too."
Trailer here:
http://bit.ly/NWOrCA
>> Fun with Portals <<
Cute FX trickery, as some friends fool around
the teleportation gun from Portal.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/nicely_done_Portal_fun
>> Catwalk falls <<
If they were horses we'd shoot them, but they
are stylish ladies and so we pretend not to
have seen anything happen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Catwalk_model_fails
>> Brian Blessed sweary outtakes <<
Classic clip of Sir Brian, wrestling with a
Palm Pilot.
http://bit.ly/NDvMOM
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still about as funny as spiders
If you read this URL as three words (with the
middle one being 'in') then this is an
excellent name for a website:
http://www.combinass.nl
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: FRIGHTENING EMAIL OF THE WEEK
Homoerotic anxiety texting game
James.K writes, "A fun game to play with our
mobile telephony devices. When speaking to a
fellow heterosexual male, I will always end
with an 'x'. Generally from him there will be
no 'x' in the reply, but I continue undeterred
- always with the 'x' remember. Sometime later
- possibly out of awkwardness, he stumbles...
he ends with an 'x'. "I've got you!" I silently
declare. The next text I also end with an x. He
predictably does the same, we are of course on
equal footing. And that's when I yank the
carpet from underneath! My x's stop abruptly.
my text partner is suddenly caught off-guard
"why?" he asks "why did the x's stop?" but that
doesn't matter to me, all that matters is the
next text. If it ends with no x to be seen, I
know I have won. I have all the power, and have
made him subservient to my superior willpower.
Afterwards, I might have a wank."
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Springwatch Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us birds
nesting in unusual places. You ignored
this, but that's fine.
Your favourites included:
* SNATCH: cute chick trio devastated by
sneak attack (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10783520
* BOG: rare photos of the lesser-spotted
toilet duck's nesting arrangements
(monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10786544
* SHARK: classic shark/chopper
interaction reappears in a new
challenge (mediocre)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10783935
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/springwatch/
>> New challenge: DPRK UK <<
It's time for a new government. This
week's challenge is to show us what the
UK would look like if North Korea's Kim
dynasty were in charge, with all its
propaganda, mass games and general
strangeness
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/northkorea-uk/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TANS WRITE SILLY REVIEWS ON NAZI UNIFORM -
we linked this last week and we're pleased you
all did a good job adding reviews. "what
self-respecting over-12 would want to attend a
party without the stain of the Holocaust
resting on them" & "This uniform is brilliant.
It's so realistic, I have been banned from
visiting both the old-aged care home and our
local synagogue."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004871HB...
* DARKLORD ONE YEAR ON - many of us still miss
b3ta boarder Darklord and we're pleased to see
musicians Luke Soloman & Jon Marsh of The
Beloved making a tribute song for him.
http://bit.ly/LLbSOR
* REPAIRING TRAINERS - anthony.attwood writes,
"Re: holes in shoes. When I was a teen
skateboarder I would wear through shoes in
weeks. Rather than buying new £50 trainers
every month, I used Shoe Goo to repair them."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0030ZULM...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COMMUNAL SINGING - every Sunday morning
communities should get together and sing as
one. Not dusty, old hymns but songs by Queen,
Madness & Depeche Mode.
* WHAT TO DO WITH OLD MEDIA - nilbert asks, "I
have hundreds of video cassette tapes and their
boxes. Can you ask your readers what I can do
with them? Any good ideas will be considered."
* B3TA ROUGH GUIDE - TimChuma asks, "Is there
some kind of B3TA-related English travel guide
for visitors from out of the country? I would
like to be able to see Kunt and the Gang, Dan
Bull, MJ Hibbett and the Validators, a Brian
Blessed public appearance and other
B3TA-related things while visiting."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sexy bumholes: [email protected]
Smelly bumholes: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by rjvanvulpen,
littlefeet, @dancall1, ‏@jamesmarshall42,
@Simon_Pegg, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver,
@matt_round, @benjymous, BrokenCoccyx,
HappyToast, robneymcplum, tootla, mr.dogshit,
sinisterduck, @GigerPunk.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tips via A Vagabond.
Subjlols via @IamHappyToast
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TOP TIP:
Avoid that "swimming against the tide" feeling
by swimming with the tide.
