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NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE UNDERPAID SAY 99% OF THE PUBLIC"

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This Week:
* TEDDYBEARS - Zombified and dead scary
* PICS - Cats that look like pinup girls 
* DUMPED- Your answers to out cheerful QOTW

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Keeping Piers Morgan 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   in the US.. together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 562  - 11 Jan 2013

Read this issue whilst using MSPaint to draw Kate:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue562 

   Yay :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Nay : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: KILN (sponsored link)
  New Arcade game for iOS & Android

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  rapidly advancing through new ideas including 3
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  Listed in Indie Game Magazine's top mobile
  arcade games of 2012.
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/kiln/id569011001?mt=8


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> YouTube improvements <<
  "Those scamps at YouTube are tweaking the site
  again," observes somegreybloke. Under the guise
  of 'making features more convenient' this vid
  handily skewers YouTube's terrible community.
http://bit.ly/Uax8lk


  >> Alex Jones' Gun frenzy <<
  "Whipped this one together yesterday. Hopefully
  the New World Order isn't after me now," writes
  paid Illuminati shill smearballs, of this Piers
  Morgan/gun nut spot for the Conan O'Brien Show.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Alex_Jones_Gun_frenzy


  >> Drop dead Ted <<
  "Any chance of getting my UndeadTeds into the
  Newsletter?" inquires NobbyNobody, dripping with
  blood and fake fur. "Pretty please? Kiss kiss?"
  Genuinely horrible, but maybe in a cool way.
http://undeadteds.tumblr.com/ 


  >> Police update the sound of their sirens <<
  "This is not fake news," claims becomingbatman,
  before losing his nerve and admitting "it is."
  As ideas go, we'd actually like to see London
  become this mellow.
http://bit.ly/XV7YvH


  >> Jack Sparrow's Chanel No.5 advert <<
  "Noticed the speech was more fitting for the
  Captain," writes Newcott, of Brad Pitt's
  current, nonsensical perfume campaign.
  Surprisingly good Captain Jack impression - it's
  a lucky man who can pass himself off as Brad
  Pitt.
http://bit.ly/WxlwXQ


  >> Freudian Twitterbot <<
  "Over Christmas, I realised what the world
  really needed," writes Bananaman. "So I made a
  twitter bot that lets people know what their
  unconscious was really thinking about." Send it
  a message and it swaps one of the words for a
  similar-sounding swear. Basically, it's like
  they've automated a conversation with a
  nine-year-old schoolboy.
http://www.twitter.com/freudianbot


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: BRIAN BLESSED ALARM CLOCK FOR ANDROID
  Never accidentally sleep in again (sponsored link)
  
  The developer Rich Gardner writes, "Here it is,
  finally, the Brian Blessed Alarm Clock for
  Android, lovingly hand crafted in Brian's shed.
  Sorry it took so long but Android development is
  a pain in the backside. We can't test it on
  everything but we have on the best selling
  devices (about the top 25% of the market). We'd
  recommend a half decent phone - Gingerbread
  (Android 2.3) and a 480x800 screen size or
  higher. It won't work reliably on the Kindle
  Fire yet unless you've hacked it with the real
  Android operating system, but we're working on
  it."
http://bit.ly/TZ1KGj


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: AMAZON TAT
  Gammy products, dumb reviews and such bollocks

  * DIGITAL SCALES - worth looking at the
  "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought"
  bit. Obviously a lot of people who grow and dry
  their own basil - Amazon is the SFW Silk Road.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0012LOQUQ/b3ta-21 


  * FLORIDA FIDDLER - Life and Times of Richard
  Seaman. Always good when a book gets an innuendo
  into both the title and author. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0817315535/b3ta-21 


  * GOATSE BRACELET - troncmaster writes,
  "Travelling back on a flight recently I saw this
  item for sale in the duty free magazine. Your
  very own goatse bracelet. Wear it with pride :)"
  Shame they've sold out - we'd quite like one of
  these.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001TH8GIQ/b3ta-21 


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Dumped
  
  When the love has gone, the opportunity to be
  an utter shit remains. We wanted your dumping
  stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dumped/

  * PILLION - "Way back when I was a spotty teen
   at college, there was a very attractive Iranian
   girl who I liked. I wasn't much use at chatting
   up, and to be frank I reckoned she was waaaaay
   out of my league, but amazingly I seemed to be
   making some progress. She was interested in the
   fact that I rode a motorcycle, so I plucked up
   the courage and asked her if she'd like to go for
   a ride. I couldn't believe it when she said yes!
   I had visions of a gentle ride through the 
   countryside, perhaps stopping at a pub for lunch.
   I also had other kinds of visions, which were 
   threatening to poke holes in the fuel tank. This
   could be the start of something, I thought, as she
   swung her long legs over the seat and her arms
   snaked around my chest - she actually seems keen
   on me. She wasn't so keen when I hit a patch of
   gravel leaving the college car-park and dumped the
   bike, simultaneously cutting her leg and burning
   it on the exhaust... Shortest date I ever had."
(moon monkey)

  * COLIN - "Aged 13, I was dumped by a boy
   called Colin. It was very public. He stormed
   up to me in the playground and shouted, 'That's
   it! I can't put up with you any more! You
   treat me like dirt and I'm sick of your games,
   we're through!' After treating him like that,
   you might think I deserved to be dumped. Thing
   was, as Colin was usually very shy, he'd never
   spoken more than two words to me before. He'd
   certainly never asked me out. It's quite bizarre
   to get dumped by someone you didn't know you
   were going out with."
(Smash Monkey)
  
  * COLON - "If I ever dump The Lovely Mrs Ring of
   Fire, I'll feed the dog a length of plastic tape
   with the message written on it, so it'll emerge
   from the animal's arse like an old fashioned news
   ticker."
(Ring Of Fire)


  >> This Week - UNSAYABLE <<
  Ever had to tell someone they had BO? Had to
  break dreadful news to somebody? Tell us how you
  broke through the cringe barrier:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sayingtheunsayable/


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: JOIN A WEB COMEDY EVENT THING
  All your internet are belong to us

  Sanderson Jones writes, "I am starting a new
  digital comedy night called ALL YOUR INTERNET
  ARE BELONG TO US. It is a night of web and tech
  enabled jokery.

  "I'd love not just to have comics but also just
  people who do funny stuff online, and give them
  a chance to talk about it on stage. Or would it
  be interesting enough to go in the newsletter?"
http://bit.ly/XVy69Y


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
 
  >> Anatomy of a 4chan Hoax <<
  Buzzfeed watches a "4chan chatroom", as users
  seed news services with fake history for a hoax
  teen suicide. It's a relatively slick operation;
  committed trolls at work.
http://bit.ly/10c0tC1


  >> Cats that look like pinup girls <<
  Glamour & kittens - surely the reason the
  internet was invented.
http://catsthatlooklikepinupgirls.tumblr.com/


  >> Doom 3 Gangnam Style <<
  In this year of our Lord 2013, if you haven't
  yet seen a retro videogame rendition of Gangnam
  Style, start here. Press ASDW keys to move the
  camera. The Hell Knight dances particularly
  coquettishly.
http://apps.playcanvas.com/will/doom3/gangnamstyle


  >> Free Photoshop From Adobe <<
  Extraordinarily, Adobe is giving away free
  copies of its CS2 apps. That's the 2005 version
  of Photoshop, Illustrator, Premier... all that
  good stuff (that, if we're honest, is exactly as
  good as the current version). You'll need to
  create an Adobe account, which probably means
  they own your soul, but otherwise it's totally
  gratis.
http://adobe.ly/13dllXk


  >> DJ interviews Doug Stanhope by mistake <<
  Mix-up at the radio station leads to clueless DJ
  interviewing stand-up Doug Stanhope, under the
  impression that he's actually interviewing Sex
  Pistol John Lydon. Stanhope strings him along
  magnificently.
http://bit.ly/PuUROu


  >> The absolute worst book cover designs <<
  Why bother shelling out cash for a proper book
  cover designer, when you can rustle up something
  like this? The answer seems obvious to you or I.
http://lousybookcovers.tumblr.com/


  >> Crouching child, hidden mum <<
  Strangely evocative Victorian child photography.
  Cameras were so slow and children so squirmy
  that their mothers had to hold them still. But,
  for some reason, it was deemed best to hide Mum
  by disguising her as drapery or a chair. Odd
  people.
http://bit.ly/R0AsNd


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine the Gameboy Camera with colour & sound

  >> The Chicken Goat <<
  It looks like a goat, but makes a noise like a
  chicken. This kind of unsettling shit is why the
  goat has become the default symbol of evil,
  along with Rory Bremner.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCaJYtBBV54


  >> Trombone cam <<
  Musician mucks about with a camera on the slide
  of his trombone. The result is pleasingly silly.
  Also worth watching the 'stabilised' version,
  where someone has adjusted the image to keep the
  guy's eyebrows the same size throughout. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VblnQBe8xm0


  >> RIP Alistair The Optimist <<
  Alistair passed away yesterday. In his words, "I
  was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease 18
  months ago. Me and a group of friends decided to
  write and record a collection of songs under the
  banner 'Alistair The Optimist', and in the
  summer of 2011 recorded an album in 3 days. "The
  album captures a moment in time when my
  weakening muscles still allowed me to play
  drums, something I am no longer able to do, and
  as such, the band will never play live." Lovely
  song, very sad news.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/RIP_Alistair_The_Optimist


  >> Brian Butterfield's Sports Warehouse <<
  Peter Serafinowicz pops up on CBBC's new
  sports-based sketch show. In other news, kids'
  TV comedy remains both funnier and cleverer than
  the majority of stuff aimed at grown-ups.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brian_Butterfields_Sports_Warehouse


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Now incorporating Cock & Ball weekly
  
  seanmcguire writes, "The 30th anniversary of
  MIDI logo looks like a cock and balls. That is
  all." No sir, that isn't call, also we spy a
  cancerous growth on the ballsack.
http://www.midi.org/midi30/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Online/Office Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to imagine a world in
  which people behave offline like they do online.

  Our favourites posters included:
 
  * Prodigy69 ponders the rage people show when
  they've seen an image before.
http://b3ta.com/board/10903457  
  
 
  * Champagnerocker is concerned about the privacy
  implications of oversharing.
http://b3ta.com/board/10904290  
  
  
  * Whereas Robneymcplum is all about the paedo
  lies.
http://b3ta.com/board/10903436  
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/online-offline/


  >> This week: British Empire Strikes Back <<
  Once upon a time, Britain had an empire the
  spanned the globe, from Asia to Africa and all
  points elsewhere so what would the world be like
  under a UK based hegemony rather than American?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/empire/popular/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BILLY 2.0 ENDS UP ON THE BBC - helmsdeep
  writes, "The BBC somehow found their way to my
  blog about my bionic ear and asked me to do an
  interview for their Ouch podcast as well as
  write a guest blog."
http://bbc.in/XVyfdh


  * JIMMY SAVILE REMIX - Smearballs writes,
  "Here's the music for an upcoming Savile video
  remix w free download." We've seen a preview of
  the video and gosh, you're in for quite
  something here.
https://soundcloud.com/smearballs/jimmy-savile-remix


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If you
  are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ICEY FILM EDITS - kevincopy asks, "thing I'd
  love to see: Film of people slipping and sliding
  and gingerly walking on icy pavements, but with
  all the ice removed in post-production."

  * MORE TOILETS AVAILABLE - there used to be
  loads of public toilets, and one by one they're
  all being shut forcing the public to nip into a
  pub / McDonalds's for a piss. 
  
  * ONE VOLUME CONTROL - our laptop has a volume
  control on iTunes, a separate master one and
  finally another on our bluetooth speakers. One
  volume knob to control them all please.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Cats :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Twats:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by floyd (the Barbie),
  Pesky Young Scamp, dirtyscarab, Matt Round,
  Stashie, feckler, &#8207;@LondonYank, Sheep!,
  @Firehorse_on_SL, @TomDavenport,
  paultheglasgowvamp, sohcomjohn 
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tip via 2 Can Chunder.
  "We're saving the web" by @hnldesign.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Pretend that you are using bitcoins by making
  computer noises every time you pay for something
  with regular coins.

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