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NEWSLETTER: "THESE BOMBS ARE YOUR FAULT, COMEDIANS. YOUR SATIRE WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH!"

 
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This Week:
* PROJECT - Introducing the 'Clickbait Robot'
* VIDEO - How Bladerunner would be shit with Siri
* B3TA_LINKS - Finally fixed on Twitter. YAY!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 670 - 04 Dec 2015

Read this issue in your pants:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue670

Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Amazing drum machine  calculator thing
  
  Oh, if you've got £48, this pocket calculator
  style drum machine has kept us busy recently.
  Huge sound, tiny price, perfect for Christmas.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00X6EYNQE/b3ta-21


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  Ok, we've been lazy and there's been no
  newsletter for 22 weeks, tbh we can't promise
  there's going to be one every week either but
  today is your lucky day. LUCKY. There's a LOT to
  get through so hold tight, we had to dig through
  22 weeks of submissions for this. Christ on a
  fucking bike, actually we binned most of it on
  the basis that you don't want a newsletter about
  four miles long. So here goes:


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THESE WEEK
  Other than making suspicious jam

  >> Blade Runner With A Siri Interface <<
  Black Moon writes, "The description kind of says
  it all really. No point watching it now." 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCDU8r7Tcfk 


  >> Loo Read - Walk on the Wired Side <<
  Merkinhead writes, "My latest piece of
  paronomasiac nonsense. Twitter profiles "sing"
  Lou Reed. Hope this one stays up longer than
  four days... (P.S. There's a tit in it - and I'm
  not talking about Nick Kamen - so some might
  consider it NSFW, although I've not ticked the
  box.) " 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7-eezLEbcs 


  >> Top Ten Bad Word Wrongs <<
  Eddache writes, "Learn how to talk more gooder"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_ebSnqnGXI 


  >> Dodge Zombies <<
  I Smash Things in My Sleep Uruk-Hai writes,
  "Just for Halloween, my little avoid the zombies
  game. Seriously you will not last 3 minutes."
http://www.zettix.com/Graphics/js/dodge3d/index.html 


  >> Corporate Monopoly Game <<
  Corington writes, "I made this for work - go
  round the board trying not to lose all your
  money to the evil capitalist hat (or just play
  as the hat)" 
http://www.globaljustice.org.uk/corporatemonopoly 

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: GIFT IDEAS FOR MEN

  Seriously, we understand men and there's only
  three things worth buying them. Cheese, booze or
  socks. This isn't a joke, it's the truth.

  Oh and this Whisky advent calendar looks very
  nice. Buy that too.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B016C5MHQG/b3ta-21 


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: HELLO 'CLICKBAIT ROBOT'
  Your B3ta editor has been coding
  
  After not bothering for several years your B3ta
  editor Rob has been learning Python and made a
  bot that looks for trending items and turns them
  into clickbait. Follow on Twitter, Facebook or Tumblr.
https://twitter.com/clickbaitrobot
https://www.facebook.com/clickbaitrobot
http://clickbaitrobot.tumblr.com/


  * B3TA LINKS ON TWITTER - Rob also writes about
  his other bot, "The B3tan, WeirdWeb made this a
  few years back and it stopped working (2 years
  ago?) - so he gave me the account and I wrote
  some exciting code that does pretty much the
  same thing as it always did."
https://twitter.com/b3ta_links 


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: HOW TO GET YOUR STUFF IN THIS NEWSLETTER
  Simple really, post on /links/
  
  All you have to do is post your thingie-bob
  on our links board and if the community and
  or the site editors like it then you'll appear
  here. Go on, join in, but don't post and run,
  hang around and chat a bit else the regulars
  get arsey. 
http://b3ta.com/links/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Flat, slow, clicky 

  * 16 ROMANIAN PHRASES THAT BRITISH PEOPLE FIND
  HILARIOUS - B3tans Rob Manuel & HappyToast did
  this listicle for Azimo who aren't paying us to
  promo it but we might as well, anyway it's good!
  Really!
https://azimo.com/en/blog/16-romanian-phrases-british-people-find-hilarious


  * DON'T GIVE THE SUBS ACID - Fred Zeppelin
  writes, "Very Funny 'Story' From the
  Peterborough Standard, 1979. Goes off on
  something of a tangent, let's say." 
http://bravenewmalden.com/2011/02/03/the-fremony-at-the-library/ 


  * SNAKE - THE TEXT ADVENTURE - Bootsthealchemist
  writes, "The Most Fully Awesome Online Version
  of Snake You've Ever Played!"
http://www.draknek.org/games/shitsnake2/#7.l.e.17.q.1e.g.f 


  * WHAT'S YOUR 'SPINAL TAP GUITARIST' NAME - A
  little known fact is that the name Nigel Tufnell
  is a play on Eric Clapton. I.e. boring bloke
  name plus London location. Tube and train
  stations work well.
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2015/12/03/whats-spinal-tap-guitarist-name/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE:
  Some 'free' ideas
  
  * Get The Pet Shop Boys to do a cover of Lorem
  Ipsum. "Lorem. Lorem. Lorem ipsum dolor sit
  amet."

  * Start a Kickstarter for a 'drugs advent
  calendar' Bit of smack, lsd & whatevs behind each
  door. Finish with a cocaine 'white Christmas'

  * Find a terrorist and ask them what they want.
  Read lots of "that's what the terrorists want!"
  but few seem to ask them directly.


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but even shittier

  * THIS VIDEO IS PURE WOW - here's a pure
  emotional truth in this song, "the world is
  burning, let's masturbate". Not even joking.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iIGGiejBKY 


  * FOAM AD - TheWooinator writes, 'I Genuinely
  Stumbled across this co looking for some foam
  for my sofa, saw they had a promo and thought,
  "I bet this HAS to be the most dull promo in
  history"'
http://www.thefoamshop.co.uk/page/152/promo-video 


  *  NORTHERN STAR WARS DIRECTED BY KEN LOACH -  
  Pissflaps. writes, "Yoda: 'Shit out of you they
  will kick'"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSSFNhF4HSk 


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Revenge II

  Here's the best stories from last week:

  * OUTSIDE THE DRIFTWOOD SPARS, ST AGNES - I
    found Mrs Andrew Ridgeley's purse in the car
    park of the Driftwood Spars pub. It was
    stacked with cash and cards. I took it into
    the pub and handed it to the barman. He then
    took it over to Mr & Mrs Ridgeley who were
    eating at a table in the corner of the bar.
    The barman handed her the purse, and pointed
    at me to indicate who had handed it in. They
    didn't even wave at me. No free drink. No pat
    on the back from the former Wham 'guitarist /
    singer' or from his equally talented 'singer
    from Bananarama' wife. I've not bought a
    single Wham or Bananarama record since that
    day. That'll teach them. Thinking about it I
    have bought compilation albums with both
    'bands' songs on them.  Shit, shit, shit.
    Really pissed off now.
    (insignificantsnivellinglittleturd, 5 votes)


  * IN A CERTAIN NORTH LONDON FIRE
    STATION............ - There is (or at least
    was) a 20 year old framed picture on the wall
    of then local MP and Prime Minister Margaret
    Thatcher. She is surrounded by the boys of Red
    Watch and smiling whilst holding a large mug
    of tea. Each of the firemen in that photo had
    specially wiped their dirty, stinking cocks
    around the inside of that mug before her
    "photo opportunity" visit. Sweet revenge for
    the wave of Fire Station closures that she had
    instigated. I feel sure that she is not aware
    of this to this day. (Zuowan, 3 votes)


  * Read all the other answers from the 'Revenge
    II' question:
http://b3ta.com/questions/Revenge2


  >> This week: While the cat's away <<
  This weeks question from social hand grenade who
  asks, "What have you done when your other half
  has gone off somewhere for the weekend?"
http://b3ta.com/questions/catsaway


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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Breakdance

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR BOOGALOO -  (Ninj)
http://b3ta.com/board/11178979

  * SKEGNESS IS SO BREAKDANCING -  (Ya What?)
http://b3ta.com/board/11178982

  * CLASSIC BREAKDANCE MOVE 'THE WINDMILL' RENAMED
    'THE WINDMIDDLETON' BY ROYAL DECREE -
    (R2Dtard)
http://b3ta.com/board/11179417


  * See all the other images from the 'Breakdance'
  challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/breakdance


  >> This week: Comedy Music Mash up <<
  It's a simple mash up crossover challenge this
  week. Put musicians in to comedies and comedy
  characters in to bands. Plenty of punnage to be
  had.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comedymusicmash


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Follow b3ta on Twitter: 
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
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  TOP TIP: IF YOU'RE IN AUSTRALIA AND YOU SWALLOW
  A FLY - Don't swallow a spider to catch it, most
  are poisonous and you'll die before you even get
  to the horse. (oneinthepink)

  Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

 
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