most people are complaining
about the banks, and i have many tales of banking woe and rage myself. they don't even involve tits. so i thought i'd change the record and tell a nice banking story for once...

when i was a property trainee, i was working for officially the Most Evil Man in the World. our client was buying a large property for the bargain price of thirty million, and i was doing the day to day stuff under the supervision of the Most Evil Man in the World. on the run up to completion, i was working 18 hour days to get everything done, and i was exhausted.

now, the way it works for a solicitor buying a property for a client is that you transfer the money to the seller's solicitor to hold to your order pending completion. this has to be done first, as they won't complete without the money in their account. unfortunately, there was a fuck up at the client's bank, and the funds only came through to our bank at 2.30pm. so, as everyone knows, the cut off for same day CHAPS payments is 3pm. i had to give the instruction really quickly, and by 2.45pm it was done. i sat back in my chair, breathed for the first time all day, and went to get a diet coke.

when i came back, a fraction before 3pm, i ran my eye idly over the file. then i paused. that was funny. surely the sort-code in my instruction letter was different to... oh fuck. oh fuck. i had transposed the 10 into 01. the money would get returned. we wouldn't be able to complete. with a feeling of ice water going through my entire body, i shot out of the room and called the bank. the lady who answered the phone sympathised with me, but said there would be nothing she could do. i grovelled. i begged. i offered her the pick of organs from my firstborn child, should i ever spawn any. finally, she said she would see what she could do.

i sidled back into the room and cleared my throat.

"er, magnus," i said. the Most Evil Man in the World deigned to glance up at me.

"yes?"

"what would happen if, er, for some reason, we, er, couldn't complete today?" i asked. magnus scowled and ran his thumb down the crease in his legal magazine.

"well, technically the contractual deadline for completion is tomorrow," he said. "so nothing. but the client is having a completion party tonight. if completion doesn't take place, we'll look very stupid. now, i know it wouldn't be your fault, as you've done your bit," he went on, "but believe me rswipe, i would find out WHY it didn't happen, and i would not rest until i had made that person's life. a. living. hell ."

at this point my vision went black with sparkly bits in it, and i felt exactly as if i had swallowed a huge icecube. all i could do was wait until 3.30pm, when the woman from the bank was due to call me back. it was the longest 30 minutes of my life. it was longer than back-to-back film sessions of "titanic" and "gone with the wind" on repeat. my heart stopped beating about 15 times. and then my phone rang.

"hi, ms swipe. just to let you know," the bank lady's voice dropped to a whisper, "i managed to sneak it under the wire for you."

hoo-fucking-rah. no need to jump into the thames, god bless the bank! i had literally never been so happy. it lasted... oooh... about 5 minutes, until the Most Evil Man in the World made me deal with completion by myself. you have no idea what shitting yourself truly means until you have to say the words "i release the thirty million pounds to you".

but still. yay for royal bank of scotland and me not being murdered in my prime!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 20 Jul 2009, 1:21, 2 replies)

Glad you've not been murdered
Apart from anything else, that would rob us of a wealth of rswipe stories!

This tale needs more tits though :-)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 20 Jul 2009, 8:18, closed)

A Click For An Interesting Tale.
I always enjoy reading your stories rachelswipe.

Your Fan, Ken
(barrycounty, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 5:34, closed)