no recent ethnic herbivores
in my family. apart from me getting a burglary caution in my somewhat tempestuous teenage years.

to find the one blight, we have to go back some years to find a nice relative of mine called Judge Jefferies - or 'the hanging judge' as he came to be fondly nicknamed.

after sentancing 282 men to death for crimes that would now see you detained for thirty minutes by a community support officer in what came to be known as 'the bloody assizes', and transporting many more to barbados to help in the growing sugar trade, he eventually had issues with the 'regime change' at the end of James IIs reign and died in the Tower after attempting to flee the country

'JJ' was a brilliant lawyer, but drank too much - probably to dull the pain from the chronic kindey stones he had.

However, he did have a somewhat glowing career...

he was called to the Bar at the age of 20, and got himself elected Common Sergeant of the City of London three years later. He was knighted in 1677.

he also had a tremendous singing voice.

not so much a black sheep - more like a scarlet robed pale faced sheep of death.
(magictorch, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 8:28, Reply)

baa
The black sheep in my family has to be the ewe my second cousin seduced whilst he was working in Wales.
More recently, we also have a litter of bastard half-cast baby sheep.



We still talk to them though.
(blubear, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 19:55, Reply)

baa baa
my cousins are both the black sheep, as the rest of my family on everyside are totally respectable. They are both the worst kinds of chavs, and smoke and drink at any occasion. I saw them this christmas- they drunk all my fucking booze and proceeded to get munted out of their heads on their whole spliff supply. And they didnt offer me any! Cunts.
(nickanytime, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 19:20, Reply)

Baa Baa Black Sheep
I guess it would have to be my great great . . . grandfather. Born in London around 1820, to a pretty well off family - had a country estate at Feltham (when it was the country), plus a posh townhouse in the city somewhere. His father - John Morris - was on the local parish council, his older brother - Joseph Morris - was the vicar of St Dunstan's, Feltham.

So, my forebear gets one of the spanish housemaids pregnent - while still married. Somehow the first wife carks it. Convenient. Spanish maid loses kid, I believe. He marries her anyway. Then he gets nicked with a load of liquor that he obtained illegally. Family is well and truly pissed of with him, so they take the typically British solution - send him to the colonies.

So he and wife Eilza Perez arrive in Sydney town - but he brought with him his mother's old family bible...

family back in London kept sending him money so he would never come back. His occupation, listed on his kids birth certificates in Sydney was "gentleman".
(Maclir, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 18:16, Reply)

Ah the Black Sheep in my family
The first I knew of his existance was at his mothers funeral. Lots of new faces; and me and my dad (nephew of the deceased) were finding out who they all were. Dad tried to hide it from me that one person was not in fact the deceased's son; but his representitive.

Then wasn't the time or the place; but the years have unfolded some of the details.

This character was a very rich; and high powered trader in the City (ie London for not Brits). After a run-in with the Stock Exchange (or so it was believed) he lost his job.

He then fled the country and no-one has ever seen him since. My family originates from East Africa on that side; rumours are that he may either be there; or South Africa.

Communication comes in the form of annual Christmas Hampers for my Gran (his aunt). These are relayed through his solicitor. (the representative at the funeral we believe)

Speculation suggests crimes of either a financial, or a sexual nature; possibly both. My Gran might know the details; but if she does she'll take 'em to the grave I'm sure.

I've tried Googling his name; and other things to no avail. Who knows where, or what he is...

Spooky eh?
(Smoking Joe, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 15:07, Reply)

The mystery grandfather
My mom's father is by far the black sheep of the family. Observe:

I realized, when doing the family tree several years ago, that no one knows who my great-grandfather (his dad) was. I asked my great-grandmother and she told me he was "an immaculate conception."

Grandad then grew up to drink several six-packs of beer a day and beat the everliving snot out of my mother and aunt.

I have three children (9,8,6) whom he has never laid eyes on because he doesn't leave his bedroom. I'm married for the second time, he's not met either husband. My sisters are 17 and 15, and I'm not sure he's ever met them either.

When I was 5, my mother decided that I should spend some time with my grandparents (probably so I would see what they were like and never want to see them again, which worked). Grandad and I went fishing a lot, which consisted of me fishing, him drinking a lot of beer (but always very politely offering me one first!), getting pissed and then making me drive home. Yes, putting phone books on the seat, his feet on the pedals and the five-year-old me steering.

I hope he dies soon.
(boscokitty, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 14:52, Reply)

my dad
was hitler

"oops"
(neillyb, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 14:51, Reply)

Baa Baa
Probably my brother.
The first girlfriend I ever had he stole off me, so I had to listen to them screwing next door. After this, he famously told a mugger to “eff off I’m having a bad day…”, after which the day got much worse. He then started seeing a girl who had a mental age of 13. After five years on the relative straight and narrow, he went seriously off the rails, and thought he was having a heart attack at 26. He then spent the next two years off work, convinced his temporary employers would pay him two years of sick leave, ran up moleste credit card debts, found himself homeless, tried it on with my then (but soon to be ex-) girlfriend, moved into my old flat, screwed my housemate on all the bills, then set up shop living with my ex-. He then broke into my email, forwarded on all the emails in it to my ex-, who still lived in the deluded hope that she hadn’t been dumped, and she then went ape because I was seeing someone else. Duh! I dumped my ex- because I didn’t want to go out with her. Still, denial is one hell of a drug.

Whilst he was still on the dole, he was being hounded by baliffs, so he went and married my ex-girlfriend, got his bank account closed down, and she took out a moleste loan to pay his debts. They then split up so she’s paying it off, apparently. I don’t care too much about that though, she’s a born again mormon who made out he beat her up so she could get him arrested and then dump him, which was rubbish, because whilst he may have made a lot of mistakes, he’s too much of a wimp to actually hit anyone. My brother’s not evil, just sometimes stupid.

My Dad? Shall we say “Moved in his mistress six weeks after my mum died and then spunked the inheritance on taking her round the world”?
(domesticterrorist, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 14:39, Reply)

Uncle 356435
My black sheep of the family was probably my uncle. I used to love him and couldn't understand why I only saw him for a few months then he would disappear. I also couldn't understand why we went to see him sometimes in funny buildings with all other men wearing bright tops. The classic was when i thought we were going to the Isle of Wight on a trip only to go to another strange building to see my uncle.

Epithany in my teens when I realise my uncle was prison bird who done porridge more times then a Scotsman!!
(manny fagnet, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 14:15, Reply)

mememememe
Yes, like others here I believe that I am most likely candidate for Black Sheep of the family.

Unlike others, here's why:

At a large family gathering (to be specific, my Brothers engagement party to his wonderful Fianceé), I opted to start drinking at 10am...

Fast forward to the next morning and I drearily wake with an enormous hangover. Staggering into the kitchen I am greeted with a less than friendly reception from my mysteriously bruised Mother.

I ask if she's ok and she storms off muttering to herself... An hour later and my Brother fills me in on the events of the previous day.

It transpires that people had started to tell my Sister that they were worried that I'd had too much to drink. She in turn came outside to check if I was ok, I tell her I'm fine and she needn't worry, I appreciate her concern and love her.

Strangely - witness attest that I shouted "Fuck off!" and fell over.

I then skipped into the kitchen where I patted my Mother on the shoulder and thank her for laying on such a delicious lunch. Again, this seems to have been misinterpretted by most as they swear I ran in, barged her to the floor and (very, very allegedly) called her a 'cunt'.

Being railroaded out of the house by my Brother, I then ran to the local One Stop where I was discovered by my Brother-In-Law, loudly bemoaning the injustice of my existance and demanding that they let me live in the aisle of tinned goods & biscuits.

Sufficed to say, all & sundry are greatly looking forward to the Wedding... as I am the Best man.
( moonjam, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 13:24, Reply)

Beserker......Sorry for length.....and width.
My black sheep uncle takes some respect.....

When I was a kid my old man said come on son were going on a special trip. It turned out we were going to Bombay to go and bribe a judge to let my uncle out of prison. He had just been arrested for smugling Gold/Rolexes into India....then my less than PC uncle told the judge to "stick his nice shiny new rolex up his fat colonial arse"......Cue four years in a lovely 'Midnight express' style nick...

Much later on he became a medic on an oil rig in Subsaharan Africa (Qatar) 200 miles offshore they all wake up one morning and he's dissapeared, cue 2 days of frantic searching Qatar by the US oil company he works for found him pissed !! (in a dry country !) paying a cab diver to drive him round in circles. Still to this day no-one has a fuckin clue how he managed to get ashore.

Now he lives in Spain, and the mentalists have let him have a speedboat.....He plays "chicken" with oil tankers.

We just await the next phone call..........
(higeldypigeldy, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 12:53, Reply)

uncle fucker
my uncle (Dad's twin brother) left my mentalist nan on her own for over 24 hrs in her nighty with no blankets/duvet with all her bedroom windows open in the bleak midwinter - she quite literally froze to death - he fucked off to spain with his share of the will and his dog like g'friend. not so much a black sheep as a complete cunt.
( ting, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 10:50, Reply)

an old uncle
i had an old uncle who died a few years back in his 90's, he was a cracker. ooh where to start.
he was prodestant and married a catholic, was told by the priest that any child would have to be brought up catholic and so never had any children, when my mum asked my aunt ( who was a lovely person) why they never any sprogs she said she never had the option, reading between the line i assume the always used johnnies. he also advised mt father not to marry my mother cos of the cath/prod thing. my mother(catholic) ended up being the one who cooked , cleaned bed washed and all that jazz for him for the last few years of his life. He got a letter for a old dear who stayed in the flats upstairs from him by mistake, thats for that "BITCH" upstairs he said with a fair amount of venom. my mother enquired whys she a bitch and he had no answer cos he'd never met her , knew nothing about her etc etc he was just a twisted old git. he had a good word for nobody, he was illegitimate too in the days when it carried a social stigma and i think he carried a load of baggage about that.

apologies for distance
(montyzuma, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 10:34, Reply)

My uncle moved over to the States years ago
and is now a head mechanic at some sort of Indy Car racing team. Unfortunately he likes a drink, and not content with taking his pit team on a week long bender after winning his first race, forcing the head guys to replace them at a days notice, he missed his dads funeral in 2003.
One hour before we were to make our way to the service my mum picked up the phone to be greeted to the cry of "I'M IN HOOSTON BAAAAAABY!" in his quasi British-Yank drawl.
He then went to ramble on about not being allowed on the flight and that he would get a later one. We haven't heard from him since, apart from my little brother who was subjected to a 20 minute phone call from him when we were all out where he was constantly being called 'piggy' and 'officer'.
(Raffles, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 10:03, Reply)

I'm with Kaer on this one.....
Jesus H. Christ! And I thought MY family was dysfunctional......? After last week's QOTW, it looked like our cousins across the pond were getting a bit of a lashing, but they're certainly back with a vengeance THIS week....
Sod Disneyland, we'll take the kids to Spain again this year.....
(Desolation Angel, Wed 19 Jan 2005, 9:41, Reply)