If you want to speak to a person, rather than dance with the telephone devil...
Don't press any buttons.

Systems are designed with touch-tone dialing telephones in mind, but all of them have to be backwards-compatible with the old pulse-dialing phones. If the detect a lack of tone options after a set time, they'll automatically put you through to an operator.

Alternatively, call the landline rather than the 0870-type number. The landlines aren't connected to the complicated routing and queuing software.

How do you get these numbers?

www.saynoto0870.com lets you search for them all - you can call using your free minutes on a landline or mobile, and not have to queue up.

Oh, also, T-Mobile are cunts - but that's a less useful story full of bitter vitriolic, unfounded data charges and a team leader who needs to be hit in the face with a wrench four or five times.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 14:49, 2 replies)

or for thse stupid voice controlled systems..
you know the sort that goes "for sales information say the word ..sales" (and so on..).. just cough.
The system will respond with an "I'm sorry, i didn't hear that..." response.
Cough again. (or make some other silly noise)
Keep repeating the process and eventually it'll give up and put you through to a human-like person.
(sarcasmo needs more sleep, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 14:56, closed)

if you say "operator"
most of them put you through, either that or "fuck off" usually works for me
(Trull, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 15:31, closed)