Just to balance things out, I don't want to be all doom and gloom...
I was chatting with my mate Porky once, as he gave me a lift home from work.

The talk turned to women, and porn, and sex, and all things of that nature, whereupon Porky suddenly said "I do like a nice big cock though"

I felt my face go completely slack as my mind raced to take in this amazing news. Was he going to tell me he was partial to the unfairer sex? Or that he used to be? Or proposition me?

"What I mean" he continued, "if I'm watching a porno and the bloke's only got a little cock, I feel cheated"

/obvious length joke
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 12 May 2011, 20:43, 5 replies)

Last year, about a week after Jess' accident...
...I answered the phone to a call-centre chap who politely told me that he was trying to make sure I had a good deal on life insurance and did I currently have any life insurance?

"No" I told him, "because I'm currently waiting for a claim to be settled, my girlfriend was killed in a car accident last week"

As you can imagine, that stopped him in his tracks. He sputtered something along the lines of "Oh. Oh boy... Oh boy, sorry sir" and hung up.

Even at the time, I remember feeling that with his use of "Oh boy" he'd strangely endeared himself to me... typing it now, I just feel like I was unfairly cunty to him O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 12 May 2011, 20:40, 6 replies)

TomTom
A couple of years ago, I was at a mate's funeral. It wasn't a happy occasion; he'd hit a tree, and because he was divorced and his firm kept no records of his ex or kids, they hadn't got to his bedside while he was still conscious.

So far, so bummer.

But: someone had brought his satnav in, as Grimsby Crem is noted for scrotes doing cars during services. Just before his son got up to the reading, a disembodied voice said "You have reached your destination".
Dead silence, followed by muffled snorts from half the congregation.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Thu 12 May 2011, 20:37, 11 replies)

The Cousin
My brother works at fairs selling old stuff on a regular basis and a few years back was in the midst of a large busy event, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
He turns round to see a cousin of ours, one that he hadn’t seen for quite a few years due to her moving abroad. (That and we didn’t make much of an effort after she wouldn’t invite our lovely old Nanna to her wedding. The old dear hadn’t seen a dentist for 70 years and had a ‘mouthful of burnt chips’. She thought it would be embarrassing for her to be seen at her posh do)

It seemed she was now back in the UK with her husband.
Completely shocked at the sight of the now very grown up long lost cousin, he threw his arms around her and declared how excellent it was to see her. She quickly introduced her hubby and it was smiles all round.

Brother then, without thinking, utters the words…’You look amazing! Oh my god! When are you due?’
‘I’m not pregnant. Anyway, nice to have seen you’
Last we heard of her.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 12 May 2011, 20:11, 3 replies)

Not really a conversation that was killed, more strangled at birth*
Have you ever started saying something and before it was fully out of your mouth, realised it was mahoosively inappropriate, but still not been able to stop yourself from saying it?

So, I'm coming out of the local shop (not Tesco's in case any brizztol based trustafarian cockwipes were thinking of fire-bombing my wheelie bin in order to protest about, you know, stuff) and someone was shaking a charity collection box. Being a charitable sort, without really thinking about it I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of small change which I deposited into the collection box saying nonchalantly,

"There's some shrapnel for you"

I was at about the second "r" when I realised it was a guy in a squaddies uniform collecting for help for heroes.


I don't know whether he had both his legs. I had coitused right off before I got the chance to look closely.

*ok, reading it back that doesn't work.
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Thu 12 May 2011, 20:05, 3 replies)

My best mate from school went and got married about 15 years later.
He'd been a bit of an unexpected surprise in that his average-good a-levels led to an engineering degree, then on to a problem-solving consultancy and oddly, to a firm of London Square Mile fund managers where he took his accountancy exams and managed some commodity specualtion stockbroking. So he invited me to come to his wedding, do one of the readings (best man duties was obviously his brothers anyway so I was still flattered, even if it was the lyrics to a Depeche Mode song called Somebody...).

So in front of a church full of his family (who knew me) and his work friends (who didn't know me) and his fiancee's family and friends (who didn't know me) I read out words such as 'they may even be perverted' and 'she may not always agree with me'.

Come the reception I was put on a table with his work mates who all knew each other and were chatting about Glyndebourne and skiing holidays and new Porsches and multimillion dollar takeovers and Uncle Sir Dickie and his stud farm and collection of Rembrandts.

Eventually, someone on the table singled me out and said 'I'm sorry,we don't know who YOU are'.

So I said-"I'm a diagnostic engineer for Jaguar, my last holiday was my honeymoon 9 years ago and I drive a Rover 400. I've also known Carlos since he was 6."

Silence on the table until one of the blokes summed me up (incorrectly) as thus- "..so you work on cars? Then you're a mechanic?"

and as one they all turned back to their own conversations and ignored me for the rest of the meal.

Still mates with my friend Carlos though :-)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 12 May 2011, 19:59, 8 replies)

There's a chef who drinks in my local.
Nobody sits beside him as he's terribly boring and doesn't shut up.
The regulars call him Larry Murphy ( en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Murphy_%28Irish_criminal%29 ) on the grounds that "he rapes and kills conversations."
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 12 May 2011, 19:33, Reply)

lunch thread
I don't know why but nobody ever wants to talk about food. It could be great, like an online dinner party, but any mention of it just seems to kill all conversation dead.
( vladimir, Thu 12 May 2011, 19:27, 2 replies)

My friend has a habit...
...of saying something AS a conversation stops. It's like some pre-emptive killing before saying something absolutely hideous.

An example... sitting with the lads in a busy pool club on a Friday night out, imbibing pints and having a laugh. The place is full of music, laughter and yapping as everyone enjoys themselves. The barmaid had arrived from behind my poor friend totally unbeknownst to him and was politely waiting until he had finished chatting to clear the table.

For some unusual quirk of the universe the entire room fell silent and the music track ended at the exact moment my mate delivered the closing line of the discussion... "I like being taken roughly up the arse" (feck knows what we were discussing). It was so quiet that it sounded like he had shouted it at the top of his voice. The barmaid was almost weeping with laughter as matey boy turned a bit pink and the rest of the gang and anyone else who heard it rolled around in painful hysterics. Brilliant.
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Thu 12 May 2011, 19:25, Reply)

Funeral-related pearoast
A woman used to stand in the local shopping centre with a clipboard trying to cajole passers-by into signing up for a catalogue or something.

One day she stepped out in front of me and exclaimed 'Cheer up, Mrs! You look like you've been to a funeral!'

'Actually, I have,' I replied, 'my baby nephew's.' Which was true.

She didn't bother me again.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 12 May 2011, 19:24, 1 reply)

I have very broken insides (the poo making bit)...
Which mean that I have to take steroids, lots, but to minimise the side effects and make sure they get to the area they need to treats they go up rather than down, if you catch my drift.

So anyway for a reason that I don't still fathom I left some of my bum pills (http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100003522.html) on my desk. My colleague, who we shall call Mark for that is his name, found them:

Mark: What the fuck are these?
Me: What does it say on them?
Mark: [reads packaging]
Me: Ah, those would be my little waxy torpedoes of anal steroid fun!
Entire office: [Silence][tumbleweed][church bell]
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 12 May 2011, 19:08, 10 replies)

B
B was a very weird girl. not in a good way, just creepy.
one night, B had joined me and a group of my best girlfriends for far too many drinks in our local pub. we were sitting in the pool room, which was empty apart from us, meaning we could talk about anything without being overheard. as we were all tanked up, the conversation soon turned to sex. in particular, the first time we'd had sex. K told us her first time had been in the alleyway behind her house, D let slip that her first time had been in her parents' bed while they were out for the night. C said her first time had been behind the bike sheds in school, but we all knew that anyway.
conversation was going well and we were all having a good laugh, until B said "the first time i had sex was with my dad."
pretty much destroyed the mood, did that. really hope she was lying, but i rather fear that she wasn't.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 12 May 2011, 19:07, 3 replies)

once at a pound in the pot strip club
in an old pub on the corner of Clerkenwell Road and Grays Inn Road, myself and two colleagues were enjoying the dancing and a pint or two. Gyrating on the stage as we were finishing our drinks, was a young lady with a prominently pierced mimsy. We were chatting amongst ourselves as we ogled, having to talk loudly to hear each other over the music. One of my colleagues, a Swiss chap who is older and should know better, pointed at her hoop piercing and cried, "ah, look where she keeps her car keys". Just as the performance was finishing and the loud music had abruptly finished.

We necked our pints and legged it, giving him a clip round the ear as we did so.
(Freak Paw, Thu 12 May 2011, 19:03, 3 replies)

killed in more ways than one
Some friends and I were taking about motor bikes, silly driving and that nutter that zooms round sweden, weaving in and out of traffic whilst doing over a ton (ghost rider?).

Although the topic was fairly serious we were discussing it in a humerous way.

After a few minutes this guy, Martin, pipes up and says "a guy died in my arms"

Everybody stopped talking.

He took this as his cue to elaborate a bit.

He had been on his way to a rugby match when he and a few other guys saw a motorcycle rip past them dressed head to toe in denim. One of them remarks on the fact that the guy must be freezing when all of a sudden Mr blue jeans and his bike start to cartwheel up the motorway. They slam on the brakes and put the hazards on. Some of them pull the wreckage to the side of the road. In the mean time Martin goes to check on the amazing human cannon ball. He finds him lying face up and convulsing in the middle of the lane just up from their car. His helmet is cracked and there is grey matter on display. The dude is checking out. Martin then goes on to explain that he saw past all the gore and horror and knew he was witnessing the last moments of someone's life. He tells us that he couldn't let this guy die alone, so he held his hand and talked to him.

You could have heard a scale model of a pin drop onto a mattress.

The evening pretty much fizzled out. For some reason.
(OTT, Thu 12 May 2011, 18:57, 8 replies)

I used to work in Game
One of the other members of staff (let's call him Neil) was serving a customer at the till.

Customer: Can I pay by card please?

Neil: Sure.

Neil then takes the card and swipes it (this was before chip and pin) and then notices for the first time that the card is labelled as MRS Smith.

Neil: Erm... I'm afraid I can't take this card as payment.

Customer: Why not?

Neil: Er... I think is your wife's card, it says Mrs Smith.

Customer: I am Mrs Smith.

Neil ....
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 12 May 2011, 18:53, 2 replies)

recently:
Sat in a room with several people discussing work. Then:

"Just so you know, I'm NOT gay."

-silence-


-forever-
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 12 May 2011, 18:16, 1 reply)

More death
I was sitting in the White Hart in Caerleon with my mates Mike & Tim a couple of days after my dad's funeral, but before the interrment (so I was still hanging around at home in Wales before going back to college in Brighton), trying to avoid talking about mortality, funerals, etc. and they were obliging me by avoiding the topic too while we proceeded to drink beer and smoke tabs.

Then a blameless old school acquaintance I hadn't seen in years wandered in, saw me and came over, beaming, to say hello and catch up. He was like a big yellow labrador, but I really wasn't in the mood.

After a few minutes of "what are you up to these days?", he asked "Does your dad still drive that big yellow Mercedes he used to have?".

Just the right pause, then I deadpan "No. He's dead." The whole pub went quiet.

Poor bloke didn't know where to look, mumbled some sympathetic noises and excused himself.

After he and his pals left, I said to Mike and Tim "Don't worry, he was a cunt anyway" and we all laughed (mostly in relief I suspect).

The sad thing is he wasn't, really. He was just a useful way for me to vent my frustration/grief. Sorry Cecil.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 12 May 2011, 17:35, Reply)

Last year...
Last year I was seeing a delightful young lady. It had been a while since I had had what I would term a 'good relationship' with someone that not only did I fancy but shared many things with.

We were really a brilliant couple and everyone commented on it.

We had been seeing each other for a couple of months, and as she had a son, and for what ever reason we were taking things quite steadily. It was really nice, we used to alternate long weekends at mine or hers, a few times taking dirty weekend breaks... All was sound in the world.

At this point I really was falling in love with her, she is the only ex I look back at with fondness. I digress...

We'd spent the friday night out and about, had a nice lie in in the morning then spent the day shopping, then late pub lunch then home with beer, DVD and I cooked. We clamber into bed quite early and are lay there just being all gay and coupley.

She was facing away from me, both of us drifting off, but both aware that we were both very much awake. When, still facing away from me, she utters 'I love you', now, if you wish to stop any conversation for at least 24 hours - I suggest you do exactly as I did... You laugh and then fart. Cold shoulder? I was expecting the shed!
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 12 May 2011, 17:25, 5 replies)

Another kid at a wedding
At a friend's wedding, we'd reached that point where the bloke in the dress says "Does anyone here know of any reason why these two should not be married?"

Now, I'm sure I wasn't the only one with an urge to shout something out, but it's an awful cliche so we all held it in. Except for one little lad, maybe two years old, who -- at the precise moment of maximum comedy -- jumped into the aisle and, apparently looking at the groom, shouted out "Daddy!"

Even the vicar laughed.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:52, 2 replies)

A mate of mine once randomly notified us that...
"Cum tatses salty"

...and he's not even a bummer!
( mr.dogshit The world's premier anthropomorphic canine faeces, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:41, 20 replies)

family
Flew home from the states a few years back and travelled 'back yem' (that'll be the north east for the non geordies out there). As I hadnt been back for a few years I decided to pay visits to as much family as possible. We called in and spent an afternoon with my dads cousins, who I shall call Ben and Annette for the purposes of this story.

Ben and Annette had done well in life. Head of the local rotary club, Ben was also lord mayor of the town and very well known. We had a great time, lots of fine wine, some BBQ'd salmon that Ben had caught fresh that morning and lots of bantering chat. It was great to catch up with a arm of the family I had not seen in maybe 10 years and their hospitality was more than generous.

Dont know how but the conversation got onto youtube videos, but it did (probably because I worked in the industry). This was not long after the big flooding a few years back and I piped up with the hilarious video of the cops driving into the flood, sirens blazing and having to get out and push (this one www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2mRJMUN0Ug)

They had seen it and found it hilarous, taking this as the green light, I started on a rant about how police are not very bright and have low IQ's, the usual stuff.

Things went very quiet. Then my auntie Annette looks over to me, fixes me with a "you right pillock" stare and calmly asks

"Did you forget what Bens old job was?"

At which point, in a flood of memory I recall he used to be the chief inspector before he became Mayor. The conversation and merriment stopped. We left not long after as the atmosphere had become slightly chilled. I get to see them again at a big family bash this summer. Hopefully I will not put my foot in it again.
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:36, Reply)

you shouldn't do that to an apple!
having a bit of a drinking and minor drugs session in my mate's house a few years ago, when my then-boyfriend, Creepy Thin Man, showed up. he was also a friend of my friend, so she let him in and gave him a drink.
as conversation was flowing quite well, nobody noticed him sticking a dvd into the machine.
until it started to play.
one by one, people stopped talking and stared at the screen, watching the naked woman shown thereon shoving an apple up her mimsy, popping it out again and taking a bite, before repeating the whole process. this definitely dropped an iron girder onto the train tracks of our conversations.
strangely, Creepy Thin Man wasn't invited back after that.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:34, 21 replies)

Conversation Won't Stop, No Matter What
A friend tried dropping all kinds of conversation-stoppers, in order to be allowed into a circle of 'cool older adults' but nothing she tried would work. She went on at length about her lust for women, trying to find that perfect conversation stumper, but everyone else in the circle were old gay friends, and they found her exasperating and tedious, and probably a liar to boot (their 'gaydar' was in perfect order) and they just didn't care. It made me feel sad; sort-of how I feel when I try answering B3ta's QOTW.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:26, Reply)

I was a keen Scout as a lad
And once 15 went into the older section, Venture Scouts. One of our leaders was a guy called Shaun, who was a keen mountaineer. Tragically he died in an accident in the Cairngorms, so we all go the funeral in our Scout uniforms, and then to the tea afterwards.

Shaun's female relatives were going around with pots of tea and coffee and plates of triangle sandwiches and fairycakes. His mother came by our table at the exact moment when a fellow Venture Scout asked me, "So, Chinaman, what films have you see recently?"

I innocently named the two most recent films I'd seen. "Cliffhanger, and Shallow Grave."

Silence. Then it struck me.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:26, 2 replies)

I was in a club, rather drunk
making a pathetic attempt to chat up a girl. I don't even remember what I said, but I do remember her looking disgusted and giving me the immortal response:

"Is that meant to be funny?"

She walked off and I never saw her again. I'd love to be able to remember what I said.
( krang, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:16, Reply)

Lesbians tend not to be impressed if you ask
if you can watch.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:15, 6 replies)

Back in the day when Staff Nurse Badger was newly qualified, keen and actually liked his patients I worked upon a burns unit.
The place was ALWAYS hot(burns units have to be be even warmer than most regular hospital wards due to the punters having lost sizable tracts of skin, your body's main source of heat regulation) and it took some time for me to adjust and I was frequently heard vocalising my discomfort.

One fair morning in May(it wasn't but I listen to a lot of folk music and I've been itching to use that phrase like, forever) I was helping one chap who was coming to the end of his inpatient stay get washed and dressed and asked 'I'm still not getting used to the heating in this place, are you baking as well?'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:10, 13 replies)

A few years back..
I was in the throes of a passionate conversation with a lovely lady. Things were going well and I was getting all the positive signs that she liked me. Twirling of the hair, cheeky smile, a little playful tap as she admonished me for my snide remarks about the obese man at the end of the bar. The conversation turned to her age and she challenged me to guess how old she was. Of course women love to hear how young they look and I knew this game well. Only an idiot would profer a guess on the wrong side of your suspicions.

I asked to see her hands and stroked her soft dainty digits seductively while pretending to make my calculations. 'Oh, you don't look a day over 20' I said while gazing into her mesmerizing blue eyes. She cooed and flicked her blond locks and tilted her head back, "Actually I'm 26" she replied with a hint of celestial satisfaction that only a well timed comment can give. The whole episode would have made for a vomit inducing romantic scene in a cheap B movie.

Now with my considerable experience of such situations I knew the next steps towards a kiss and ultimately an appointment with her moo moo later on in the evening were a mere formality. She was a mere puppet in my grand scheme of operation "Get Shag part III" and she was all too willingly playing right into my hands. It was all too easy.

With the conversation of age fresh in our minds I allowed myself a slip that would surely rank up there with some of the most grandiose errors in history. First Watergate then the Janet Jackson nipple slip, next we had Chernobyl and finally this. So, I probed further, "What is that in dog years?".

Suffice to say the satellite circling my orbit beaming hardcore images into my imagination came crashing down to earth. Things took a turn for the worst and I was soon left alone to rue my lost opportunity.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 12 May 2011, 16:09, 4 replies)