Arg.
When I basically realised that I preferred meat to fish after 4 wasted years of flange lovin, I decided to catch up on missed time. Part of this involved gaydar (or, the 'dar as it is also known to members of the chutney ferret community.)

Now as a young, naive and callow carrot, I obviously attracted the attention of some *ahem* sugar daddy types. No problem, a polite email declining their kind offer of an unlubed fist up my marmite motorway and no harm done.

One chap caught my eye (not that one you sick freaks!) when he emailed me. Age was not mentioned on his profile, but in his picture he looked worth a squirt, and fairly much around my age.

We messaged a bit, and eventually agreed to meet up. The young carrot's heart was beating 300 per minute as I sat on a chair in a Coffee Republic in my finest clothes awaiting his arrival.

After about 10 minutes, no sign of the dark haired lothario who had caught my heart. Then, someone tapped me on my shoulder.

"You Carrot?" he asked.

Oh fuck, I thought. There must have been some accident and his Dad has come to let me know so I can rush to his bedside and offer succour*

Er

No.

This chap was "a bit more mature" in the same way that Michael Douglas is. The photo of him must have been at least 10 years old, and those ten years had not been kind. The remaining hair was grey and thinly spread, the teeth were crooked and slightly yellowing and the belly was definitely the victim of a few red wines.

Anyway, he was a gentleman. He paid for dinner, and by the time we were done I'd had so much wine that I didn't give a fuck any more. So we popped back to his place.

As we got in, he said "make yourself comfy and I'll open some wine. Why not choose some music."

Music. Oh fuck. I looked at his impressive collection and chose the perfect CD. It was an old favourite of mine, smooth, mellow and suited the atmosphere perfectly.

He comes back in. "Oh, good choice. I love Eric Clapton.

"Oh yes," I chirrup in my drunken state. "This is one of my Dad's favourite albums."

You could virtually see him crumple.

I left shortly afterwards.

* I said succour.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 4 Dec 2008, 23:02, Reply)