Omar
In the dim and distant, I picked up a friend, well aquaintance, Omar by name. Now this was in the 80s, when things, especially where I come from, were considerably less multicultural than they are today. However, I had a Bangladeshi foster sister, and at least some notion of how other cultures worked, so Omar sort of latched on. We weren't bosom buddies, and as a beer-drinking metalhead our social lives didn't exactly interact, but at least I didn't tell him to feck off for being ethnic.

Now Omar came from a very very religious family. Uber traditionalist, marry your cousin at 12 kind of thing, these days would probably have MI5 hiding in their wheely bins.

Now his folks were 100% adamant that Omar must be kept away from alcohol, women, and indeed anything that might corrupt his soul. I was seriously vetted as a friend, and his family made Saudi customs look moderate - Cosmopolitain was regarded as pornography, so fuck knows what they'd have made of some of my stash of crispy Fiestas. In fact they'd kicked off like a good 'un when I'd lent him a copy of Kerrang, as there was some female flesh on display. It came back with several pages torn out, and a lecture on the nature of all things haraam, and how they would be following me (!) to make sure that I did not corrupt their son.

Blinking flip, sez I, but as Omar was an alright sort, with coincidentally an enormous and verging on the deranged-look-at-me-with-my-Semtex-waistcoat brother, I squeaked 'OK'.

Unfortunately, Omar was a fanny-rat. He desperately wanted to introduce a young lady to his Eastern Promise. He would stare at the top shelf magazines with the look of a starving man offered chips & gravy, would liberate the Sunday colour supplements to see if there were any swimming cossie shots, with drool dripping intensity.

Pretty soon all the local newsagents had been warned off by enormous foaming brother, and to be quite frank I was getting fed up acting as his moral guardian.

And then came the day, when I had innocently bimbled into Smiths to peruse the mags. On my tod. And was gripped by an issue featuring a certain Ms McPherson wearing not a lot. Could have been FHM or something similar, so it was basically revealing rather than pronographic, but I digress.

"Osok, Hi!" Oh, 'tis Omar. His bulging eyeballs locked onto the glossy pulchritude in my hands like meat-seeking missiles, and his body temperature went up so fast condensation formed on the shop window.

With a tremble in his voice, he said "l-l-l-l-ets hhhave a look". As his brother walks in the front door.

Heavens to Murgatroyd, I'm going to be lynched. Albeit for a crime I did not commit.

Like lightning, I tackled Omar, hurling the tumescent victim into the next aisle where he came to rest by the Barbie pencil cases, as I casually replaced the magazine in the rack and wandered off.

His 'smacked-puppy' look still haunts me, although the *squeak* that issued forth from his suddenly terrified sphincter as he spotted his brother does not.

And that, dear readers, is how I....


Thrust Omar From Elle.








I am so very sorry
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:25, 10 replies)

*shakes head slowly*
*weeps slightly*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:30, closed)

You have a very
Special mind.

*clicks*
( Cawl, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:30, closed)

please consider my cap...

well and truly 'doffed'...

EDIT: As I shamelessly plug my own effort
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:46, closed)

Bravo!
*claps*

Nice, I like.

*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:54, closed)

Oh, Bravo!
That's raised the bar alright!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:59, closed)

Er...
Words fail me.

But my mouse finger doesn't

*click*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 15:11, closed)

Dearie, dearie me
and here it's only Tuesday.

*shakes head*

*clicks anyway*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 15:12, closed)

No
No, no, no.




No.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 15:48, closed)

Poor Omar
he only wanted to wank like a normal young man
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 17:15, closed)

jeebus
thats almost as bad as the 'fro' one a few pages on. brilliant!
(lazy killer robot found that beer tastes better when your older, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 5:48, closed)