I like my meat well done
My gas cooker has 2 ovens, the bottom main oven and the smaller top oven at crotch height that doubles as a grill. The main oven has auto ignition but the top oven does not and needs to be lit with the ignition switch, a fact I had completely forgotten about last weekend while I was waiting for my 2 rashers of bacon to be grilled to tasty crispy perfection.

After a couple of minutes of standing there like a mong while the kitchen filled up with propane I realised my mistake and hit the ignition switch…I experienced what I believe is called the “onosecond”, that moment of clarity where you realise that you have done a very silly thing and there is no going back (usually it involves sexually charged emails that you accidentally send to your boss, not the object of your affection)…

….WHOMPTH!!! My crotch was engulfed in a jet of hot yellow flame; I hopped around the kitchen patting down my toasted knackers and then ran the bottom of my smouldering jumper under the tap. Luckily I was fully clothed and wearing jeans, had I been strutting around in nothing but my favourite brown nylon Y-fronts my chances of parenthood would have ended in a hot molten puddle on the kitchen floor.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:35, 8 replies)

two comments
(i) serves you right for cooking bacon. it stinks and it's evil.

(ii) brown nylon y-fronts? mmmmmm. pictures please.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:46, closed)

You are quite right Miss Swipe
But I am a lazy man-child who sometimes refuses to cook proper food for himself and pays for it with a house that stinks of bacon.

I may have lied about the Y-fronts, although I probably do have some horrible briefs at the back of the drawer that I used to wear up to about the age of 24 before I realised that boxers were the way forward
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:00, closed)

i still say
pictures or it didn't happen.

or show us your pants.

or something less childish.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:12, closed)

I reckon the good people of B3ta
are more interested in a photo of you in your bridesmaid dress.

BTW: I think it's an unwritten rule that bridesmaids have to have horrible dresses so that they don't out-shine the bride.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:56, closed)

at the moment
it hasn't been made, so they'd be looking at a picture of me in the victorian corsetry underwear that will be needed under the heinous dress. i am not sure that is a sight that anyone needs to see!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:58, closed)

On the contrary...
I think you both need to post pictures
(ZoFreX is cleaner than smoked trout, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 7:03, closed)

An accountant in brown y-fronts
and a lawyer in a cream corset bra with non matching knickers because i won't be able find the buggers on the day. it's not going to be a good look, is it??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 20:25, closed)

When I first read that
I thought it said "bridesmaids have to have horrible diseases so that they don't out-shine the bride."
(flipflap, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 4:49, closed)