Following through...
...had diarrhea most of the day and after it had passed my sense of duty told me that despite feeling a bit seedy I should still turn up for my shift at work.
Dressed in my smartly pressed uniform I turned up for work and decided to crack a fart whilst walking across the car park.

I filled my parts and felt it run down my leg.

Drove home and changed, but the car stunk for days.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 0:49, 4 replies)

Summer '06
I spent many months taking a lot of ecstasy and basically anything else that was shoved in front of me, lost two stone, lost my job, gave away a lot of money and listened EXCLUSIVELY to Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here. It cost me £3,000 and my ability to listen to a brilliant album without dissolving into a hideous ball of nostalgia and regret.
( Tamashii the other beige meat., Wed 26 Dec 2007, 0:45, 3 replies)

Bad trip
First of all, Merry Christmas to each and every one of you. I'm as pissed as a fart and I'm feeling goodwill and love to all. In other words, I've had a typical Scottish Christmas.

And on with the story - as you may know, I've always had a special relationship with drugs. It's pretty similar to the relationship I have with women - I love them dearly, but they've really fucked me up over the years.

Our story takes place far back in the mists of time, when I was but 20 years old - just out my teens, smoking weed and taking E almost every weekend. I'd heard the stories about bad experiences and mental problems, but not once did I think it would affect me. I thought I was indestructible. Oh, what a fool I was.

It was a foggy November day - my mate Cowie had phoned to say he'd got hold of some magic mushrooms. I had never tried mushies before, so, needless to say, I was pretty excited by his illicit find. We made plans to meet up and get fucked - I had a couple of E's and a quarter ounce of dope left from the weekend previous, and, at the time, it seemed like a great idea to mix the drugs together and see what happened.

Cowie turned up around 8ish. My Mum and sister were away for the weekend, and we wasted no time in rolling a J, popping some E, then eventually trying the mushies. They tasted pretty foul - we had to wash them down with cans of Stella that were lying in the fridge. Since neither of us had taken them before, we thought we'd play it safe and take at least 20 each. They were pretty small, and we wanted to get properly fucked, after all. I should point out, for those that haven't taken magic mushrooms, that 5 of them would probably do the job. If only someone had told us that at the time...

As anyone who's ever ingested drugs can testify, it can take a long fucking time for them to kick in. After half an hour, we were feeling the buzz from the ecstasy and we were pretty stoned, but the mushrooms hadn't affected us at all. So, in our infinite wisdom, we decided to neck another 20.

Not long after, the first batch we had taken began to kick in. We found ourselves staring at the wallpaper, appreciating the patterns, while giggling like lunatics. Around this time, Cowie suggested taking a walk down to his house, reasoning that the fresh air would do us some good. Normally, the walk would take us 15 minutes at the most. We staggered along the road, pausing to stare at lamposts and road signs, and comment on how beautiful they looked. We took a 'shortcut' down a country road and ended up lying on our backs, watching the leaves on the trees making pretty patterns in the air. An hour later, we arrived at Cowie's.

Thankfully, his parents were also away for the weekend. I hate to think what we would have looked like - a couple of dishevelled lunatics, eyes glazed, talking absolute shite and laughing at nothing. We were feeling amazing - the high from the ecstasy and the mushrooms combined to provide the most glorious trip that I've ever experienced.

We made our way, slowly, up to his room, and collapsed onto the sofa. Cowie stuck on a Simpson's DVD, and, as we sat back to watch it, the second batch of mushies hit us hard. All of a sudden, it was like I had stepped into a cartoon world - the Simpsons and reality collided in a kaleidoscope of senses, and every colour seemed brighter, and somehow alien. It was almost like a newborn experiencing the world for the first time - every sense was sharpened, and it felt like I had never properly looked at the world until now. The lamp in the corner twisted into amazing shapes, and seemed to dance in front of my eyes. Everything was right with the world, and, for one brief, fleeting moment, everything fell into place and seemed to make sense.

We were high as kites - sailing on a mix of weed, ecstasy and magic mushrooms. But, as the old saying goes, what goes up must come down.

And, as the ecstasy wore off, down we came. Hard. I don't know if you've ever experienced hallucinogens on a come-down, but it's something I wouldn't wish onto my worst enemy. All of a sudden, everything seemed to grow slightly darker, and a vague sense of panic infused my very being. The things that had delighted me took on a forbidding air - the lamp began to twist into demonic shapes, and the Simpsons became somehow sinister and evil. I could see Cowie wasn't faring much better - he sat bolt upright, and exclaimed "The room! It's melting!" I could offer him no sympathy, as my own trip began to get darker and darker.

All of a sudden I was revisiting parts of my life, experiencing them almost as an out of body experience, with a strange voice whispering in my ear everything I had done wrong - what I should have said, what I could have done - all my regrets, made solid and passing in front of my eyes. It's what I imagine hell is like - your whole life, flashing in front of your eyes, with some malevolent force pointing out exactly where you went wrong. It was horrendous. I'm only glad there weren't any sharp objects to hand, as it's the only part of my life where I have seriously considered ending it all, if only to stop the horrifying visions that seemed to never end.

My memory from that point on is a little hazy - I have no idea what happened to Cowie. He later told me he ended up in his front garden, shouting at the shadows that were threatening to attack him. It's probably no coincidence that his neighbours started avoiding him from then on.

I may have fallen asleep - I can only remember brief snatches of dream-like thoughts. Like my dead Gran turning up, face decayed, and telling me how disappointed she was with me. Or my legs fusing together and starting to melt, like a wax candle that had been burning for too long. Somehow, we made it through the night. In the morning, we headed to our local pub for a relaxing pint, and, over our drinks, we swore that we would never mix our drugs again. It's a promise I have kept to this day.

And that is possibly the most stupid thing I have ever done to myself. I still have nightmares about it - waking up in the middle of the night, sweating like a paedo in a nursery, shouting, "No Gran, I'm sorry!" Not easy to explain to whoever you're sleeping next to, let me tell you.





P.S I apologise for length, but the trip lasted far far longer.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 23:26, 5 replies)

After a night of heavy drinking and eating,
I thought it would be clever to take a swig from the Fairy Liquid bottle.

It wasn't.

I managed to block the sink with vomit. It was a student house, so it was still blocked three months later.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 22:59, 2 replies)

One night
Got drunk

Got together with my flatmate

Didnt use a condom

Little miss welgar (6 now)

Maintance payments to a physco bitch no one can stand

Nuff said
(welgar, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 22:46, 2 replies)

Curry need underpants
Lamb Jalfrezi is a very variable commodity. It can range from not much hotter than tikka masala to only just on the tame side of vindaloo.

I'll try one at just about any opportunity. I like them, though my digestive system's not so forgiving. Maybe it's an age thing, but they seem to be hotter on the way out. They also have a hint of Magnus Magnusson about them, as once I go for the first time, it's "I've started, so I'll finish"... even if it does take the rest of the day.

My stupid mistake? Having a particularly hot one the day before I was due to spend the weekend at a naturist club. That's when you realise what a vital safety net underpants can be at times.

No, I didn't leave a nasty streak anywhere, but I spent the first 24 hours either paranoid that I was about to or in the toilet trying to prevent it from happening.

Probably the most stupid thing is that I've done it more than once.
( Horatio P Lemming, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 22:21, Reply)

a forty and two cans of beer:
This occurred the first weekend I moved into my duplex with some fellow college (Uni for the brits) friends.

The neighbors in the other side of the duplex were having a party, so our half decided to make an appearance since we didn't know them yet. I didn't know a single person there outside of my roommates, so I alleviated the awkwardness in my gut with a bottle of Colt 45 and two cans of Pabst.

At the end of the night, I woke up in one of the neighbor's beds with absolutely no idea how I had gotten there. (No roofies, I promise. I guarded my drinks all night) I sat up, saw that I was mysteriously in my pajamas, and looked around. There were about 15 people in the room and the scent of pot lingered in the air. I felt their eyes burning into my back as I hobbled out of the bed and stepped over them to get to the door. Good first impression.

The next morning, I had to get to work at the library for 10 am. I woke up as soon as the alcohol exited my system, which was 7:30 am. When I went downstairs for a drink, I grabbed a key lime donut from the leftover dozen we had gotten the day before.

This is why I had florescent green puke half an hour later.

After my stomach settled, I showered and forced myself to go to work anyway - it was also my first weekend at this job, so I figured it was too soon to call out sick.
I congratulated myself on my determination in between bouts of nausea as I drove to work.

Thankfully, I was stationed at the multimedia desk, so little movement was required. As soon as I booted up the computer, my stomach got queasy again. This time, careful swallowing and deep breaths weren't enough.

After about twenty panicked steps out of the multimedia room, I couldn't hold it and I vomited - swallowed it (it would have gotten on the carpet) - and vomited again...all over the carpet anyway.
It was still florescent green...and it still tasted like a key lime-filled donut.

Horrified, I literally ran to the bathroom, just in case. I didn't puke again, so I washed my face and rinsed out my mouth. The puddle of puke was still there on my way back and I could see how far I DIDN'T get to the bathroom. I then proceeded to call upstairs and ask to go home. They made me wait a half hour, which I spent sitting at the desk with blood-shot eyes and puke breath.

On my way out, the vomit puddle was gone - in it's place was a wet spot. I'm assuming the janitor saw it and scrubbed it out, but I'm still paranoid to this day about whether anyone witnessed it happening.

The story ends the next day outside of a convenience store. One of my neighbors (who works at the store) was on his cigarette break when I walked by. I asked him how I ended up in his bed that night. He said that he didn't know why, but I went back to my house, changed into my pajamas, came back to his side and made myself at home in his bed. He was not in his bed when this happened. No sexual encounters occurred.

Also, we deduced that I did NOT get confused and think it was actually my room. My room is in the corner facing the back yard. His room is in the opposite corner, facing the street.

Why I thought sleeping in his bed, in his house was a good idea is still a mystery.
(juliajuliajulia, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 22:19, 5 replies)

Fingers burnt?
I do a lot of sea fishing and use a petrol driven light,now when these things are going for a while they get seriously hot on the top
After a few hours fishing ,I needed to move...
The lamp has a detachable top with a nut to ubnscrew and a handle over the top to carry...DID I use the handle?,no i grabbed the nut..while lifting and screaming with pain the automatic reaction would be to drop it but this thing cost me £100 and I carefully place it back..Result was no fingerprints and a nurled nut burnt into 2 fingers....
(andycrass loves two hats on, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 21:49, Reply)

Visiting Family
Should have stayed in my flat and got wankered.

Fuck Christmas.
(DigitalRaven will have to make do with gin, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 21:42, 1 reply)

you know, your band has got a lot to answer for...
Three days of drinking, good bands, friends I don't see so often. End of a Christmas job I hated, so I'm celebrating that.
Favourite band + money + friends = pernod, babycham and pear cider, and at least a pint of beer.

Result: stinking two-day hangover, shagging someone completely inappropriate two nights running, and eventually, quite literally no friends. Merry fucking Christmas.

(added to as I remember more. ack.)
(and now for someone completely different, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 17:30, 1 reply)

Yesterday...
I went out for an Indian...stupid stupid idea.... why did i go out for an indian on Christmas eve? Anyway I had been out to a packed Wetherspoons, had a couple and continued to drink...being quite drunk and partial to the odd spicy food my mate had a bet with me from earlier this year that West ham would finish above Arsenal. What an idiot. He said he would double it if i could eat the remainder of someones Vindaloo (Lightweight couldn't eat it all) 3 heaped tablespoons of lovely curry down the hatch no problems...till this morning...I didn't think the ramifications of that bet... I think I am actually shitting lava... not nice...

Another completely stupid thing I did last weekend, was tell this girl my feelings for her...we kissed on the night but since then we've hardly spoken....arg i hate it =[ now I don't know where I stand with her and it makes me feel really shitty about myself... not a good feeling on Christmas =[

Problem solved =] cheers guys.

It may not compare to all of these stories of people cutting off body parts or scaring themselves...but it bloody sucks to be down and have low self esteem... Buggersocks =[
(Alexander The Great, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 16:25, 11 replies)

Has anyone else ever absent-mindedly thanked a cash machine?
...or is that particular idiocy reserved solely for me. And yes, I was stone cold sober I'm sad to say.
(wing_cmdr I mean not real, but almost a real hologram, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 16:06, 10 replies)

christmas time
the dumbest thing ive done is when i was reading the qotw for ages and then only just realised it was christmas day! ohh the family werent happy with me that day!
(casca Cracked one out on, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 14:03, Reply)

Dumb thing
I was on holiday in Mallorca and decided to go swimming at midnight and was diving off an elevated column until I fell backward onto a roof of a shop,the roof held for a second then gave in my mate ran over peering down into the darkness asking if I was okay,I tapped him on the shoulder as I had got out pretty sharpish and said I was alright the security ran past us luckily,I spent two days in the hotel room whilst they fixed the roof and I have a few scars as a reminder my diving days
(drinkwell, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 10:39, Reply)

Went in a restaurant and asked the qaitress for a quickie
I was later told it's supposed to be pronounced 'quiche'.
(__, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 10:32, 3 replies)

Gave a CD player to some guy
Expecting him to make a CD for me in return.

Never saw the CD player again.
Never even saw the CD-R that he was supposed to make for me.


Looking back, the logic in giving a portable CD player to someone who was supposed to make you a CD is stupid. But later on I'd discover the power of the internet, and the power of BitTorrent and P2P.

Lesson = Learned

Lesson = don't give things to people you don't know that well. Also, as a precaution, don't give something to someone to 'borrow'.
(travishayes89 is tired of people starting fights at school., Tue 25 Dec 2007, 5:13, 1 reply)

Carlo Rossi
Large amount of wine for a small amount of money.

Two big mugs of the stuff (lightweight, ugh) left me to vomit all over myself in my sleep - in my bed - only to wake up in the morning covered in it.

I then continued to puke from 9 am (when I woke up) until 3 pm.

The best part is that I was living in dorms at the time so I had two roommates (who claimed to think that I was "only coughing" during the night) to witness this horrific experience.

The second best part is that I had a 20 page paper due on Monday (hangover occurred on Saturday) that I had only written four pages of.

I managed to finish that paper on Sunday with the extreme fear of God empowering me.
(juliajuliajulia, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 5:12, Reply)

Home woe
I listened to Carol fuckin Vorderman when she said it was a good idea to raise capital by getting a second mortgage on your house.

Big mistake, very big mistake.

Now I'm renting with feck all to show for it.

Word to the wise - don't do it kids
(brocky, Tue 25 Dec 2007, 0:14, 1 reply)

Once
I broke up with my girlfriend by telling her I was gay. Not, a great plan. She told other people, and it went round the school like wildfire. I've only stopped getting the jibes, and things recently.
( mister.f is now married, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 23:37, 1 reply)

The madras I just had
Why I decided to eat a madras tonight, I do not know. I now realise that this combined with a few cans of red bull and a lot of mints, is going to ruin Christmas morning for me.

Just think, when you're all unwrapping your presents, I'm going to be having an explosive shit somewhere in rural Wales.

Good point: We managed to get a Wii *yays*
(MrBlue ding!, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 23:26, 2 replies)

I got this massive tattoo done on my back..
Cost £500 and took a year to do. Turns out the guy it's of is gay, so I'm the butt of all the jokes at work and feel a complete wazzock.

Sincerely,

Paul Croft
(mannitol, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 22:40, 3 replies)

it must be the time of year
when brains switch off.

ive not been driving for a while and on a recent journey managed to approach a roundabout governed by lights, stop at the red lights, then let my mind wander a bit until i see some lights have gone green and there's no traffic coming from the right, so off i go. halfway into lane around the roundabout and i realise ive been looking at the set of lights for the next point along. d'oh! if im lucky there weren't cameras on top of the lights ...

still not quite as dumb as misreading roadsigns a couple of years ago and ending up on the wrong side of the road, thinking it was one way, only to be confronted by a van coming round the corner in what would have been a combined 80mph head on collision. oops.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 22:37, Reply)

Christmas
Having you aunts new Muslim boyfriend round for Christmas can be embarrassing... Especially if he bought you an analogue alarm clock.
(Merrep, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 22:34, 6 replies)

xmas inlaws
wishing i hadnt told my wife my login name so she could discover the truth about the inlaw hell(previous post)

whoops . . . . . . .

fucking hate xmas
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 21:59, Reply)

One particular weekend in June this year
My idiot senses kicked in big time. Out of the many dumb things I did that weekend, this one was the worst. As a Birthday present, my Brother had bought me tickets to go see Muse play at Wembley Stadium (Which would go on to be hailed as one of their finest performances), the plan was to get a train up to London early Sunday morning and meet my Brother, so it wasn't really a good idea to go out to a psychadelic trance event the night before, but seeming as I was in idiot mode, I opted for a night out. After getting completely bladdered and shovelling copious amounts of drugs in to my system, me and quite a few friends decided to carry on the party back at my place. Now, at the time, I was just learning to drive and had recently come into ownership of a nice little car and in my hazy state of wastedness, I decided it would be a grand idea to go for a little drive round the back roads of Cornwall. All was going great, my parents hadn't heard me take off and although I had forgotten to take the learner stickers off the car, the roads were empty and provided me with no potential head on collisions. It was only when I got back to my house and was going down our drive at 60mph that things took a turn for the worst. One of the back wheels clipped the side of our barn, forcing me to swerve into a fence, straight through a chicken coop and straight through another fence and finally come to a halt on a conrete wall. My Mum found me still in the drivers seat with a big grin on my face, the windsreen wipers on and the front half of the car not where it should be. After cursing my name several times and a few backhanders to the head, I gobbled down what drugs we had left, hurried my friends out of the house and didn't show my face at home for a long enough time for my parents to calm down.

So, not only did I miss the ultimate Muse gig, I wrote off my car, seriously pissed off my parents and woke up feeling like a bag of broken assholes. On the plus side, all the chickens survived, if not a little traumatised and homeless.

The big question is though, did I learn from this? Well, the answer is no... Only a few weeks ago I was taking my friends car with no licence no MOT and no insurance out to pick up some friends, only to realise it had no petrol half way through the journey. Got away with that one though, left it at the roadside and got our friend to pretend it had been stolen.

I'm starting to think I should just be kept far away from vehicles.
(mini_molko, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 21:55, 5 replies)

can I post...
the obligatory comment about saying "I do"?
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 21:05, 1 reply)

Injury by Baguette!
At work, was having my tea which consisted of a crusty baguette and pate - yum scrum Im sure you'll agree. So there I am, baguette in one hand, sharp serated knife in other, ready to cut bread. Rather than put the baguette on the surface and cut down, I hold it at eye level and cut in to the bread. And my knuckle. Best bit was running out the kitchen with my hand in my mouth, gushing blood trying to shout "Fuck Ive cut me finger get a plaster" to the other staff - it came out as "MMMm Mmmm Mmmm mmMMMmMm" and much puzzled looking til I showed em the cut.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 20:16, 1 reply)

Dumb things I've thunk / said...
I have caught myself thinking that the beep that accompanies my low petrol light in my car is very helpful for blind people.

I'm lucky that I tend to only catch myself doing dumb stuff - I caught myself telling me off for talking to myself once. And caught myself telling myself off (while pretending to be the cat) for the state of the cat's food bowl.

What's really dumb is that now I'm publicising these dumb moments that are probably best left private...
( Whodathunkit, Mon 24 Dec 2007, 20:04, Reply)