I know I've mentioned this before
but I've got this condition that means I can't recognise people. At all. Consequently I never really have any idea of whom I'm talking too.

So rather than boring people with it, and offending people by not knowing who they are, I have become seriously adept at faking recognition.

This involves the whole "Hi! How the hell are you bollix!" when people come up to me, and then asking strategic questions to try to figure out who the fuck they are.

I'm great at it : )
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:01, 21 replies)

Hello, is that you, MM?
Or is it just me in a cunning disguise?

I can't even tell anymore.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:04, closed)

So
when I turned up the other night, you didn't know who I was? I thought it was just the fact that I'd had my hair cut!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:05, closed)

I'm a bit like that too
Quite often people come up to me and start speaking like they're old friends (which they often are) and I've not a bloody clue who they are.

I'm not much good at faking it though. If I can't pick up enough clues in the first few seconds of conversation, the gormless look on my face and my monosyllabic answers usually are enough of a giveaway for the other person to say, "You don't remember me, do you?"

I have to then explain that it's nothing personal and that I have poor powers of recognition. But some people still feel offended. Oh well.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:08, closed)

@K2k6
You just reminded me of the time I accidentally bumped into my old schoolfriend, Phil on the train home once.
At school he was a short, fat kid with short hair, no confidence, and thick-rimmed glasses.
The person who approached me on the train was 6'+, musclebound as fuck, long-haired and hugely over-confident.
I thought I was being mugged.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:11, closed)

Mistaken identity
That must lead to some amusing tales of mistaken identity. Has anyone cogniscent of your condition ever tried to exploit it? Like if I showed up and swore blind I was your fella, what cha reckon the chances of me getting some are? (Assuming Madam Marlboro is a girl)
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:19, closed)

@baz
Why didn't I think of that?!

Next bash, me, MM, and a Goat called Steven, gwan git it own.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:20, closed)

You must pass on the wisdom of the questions!
There is a girl at work who greeted me the other week and happily chatted away, as did I, although I had no clue who she was. I don't recall ever seeing her in my life, nevermind talking to and befriending her.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:21, closed)

@Bert
Oohm Pah, oohm pah waka chiki chiki...
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:22, closed)

You won't forget me.
I'm unforgettable : )
( girlinthehole, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:29, closed)

@BGB
Because you have no ears?

If we made a baby, would it be born with no ear on one side, and a giant ear on the other...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:34, closed)

@Bert
As long as our baby didn't grow up to be a fan of goat sex and associated bestiality then I'd be happy with however many ears it had.
( girlinthehole, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:43, closed)

@BGB
i'm sorry in advance for your disappointment in yours and berts offspring then.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:44, closed)

^^oooookaaaaayyy...
al- yep, that would be true. In fairness though, I knew you were coming and expected to see you so didn't have the usual trouble of figuring it out

vix- TBH it's very mundane How's life? and How's work?, but I can usually build from little snippets they drop in. The trick is to keep them talking until you can work it out from what they say. But bear in mind these are good friends of mine. I can't recognise my own face ffs!

Baz- unless you are very skinny, have bleached white hair and black eyebrows, not a lot.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:47, closed)

I'm very skinny!

*looks for the bleach*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:49, closed)

In my younger days
I DJed all over the place but was pissed all the time and consequently I know literally hundreds of people - all round Europe - called 'mate'.

It's excruciating as these poor blighters must think I just don't care - I do but I can literally forget a name the second I'm told it...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 15:00, closed)

Agree with ya there
In Dublin, everyone is 'bud', 'boss' or 'bosco' so it's not an issue.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 15:02, closed)

and 'Chief'
forgot about 'chief'. Everybody likes to be called 'Chief'. "Alright, Chief!"
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 15:02, closed)

Are you sure you have a condition? I do that all the time. It's called "socialising at work".
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 15:59, closed)

@MM
Were you on Radio 4 the other Saturday morning, or was that somebody else? And how can you tell anyway?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 16:00, closed)

PS
And, more to the point, are you getting a regular knobbing from Alistair Darling?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 16:17, closed)

happens to me too
but unlike you I have no excuse. I'm just a forgetful git.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:10, closed)