Flaking it
My tale of faking it is an embarrassing melange of lies, inveiglements, and obfuscation. Read on brave reader…

I was staying in a cheap hotel in Taipei a couple of years ago looking for a job to keep me going when I was travelling. Money was running out, and I had to survive on the cheap street food to keep me going.

I scoured the Taipei local foreigners section on websites looking for jobs on a daily basis and applied for any and all jobs. Crucially, I always lied about my Mandarin speaking ability which was ‘sub-basic’ and sexed it up to ‘fluent’. This proved to be a critical mistake as I found out later on.

I received an email from the British Embassy in Taipei asking for lots of details about me, which, if they liked, they would then offer me a part time job as a representative/translator for UK citizens at Taoyuan airport as and when was necessary. They were a bit desperate for people and they would pay me a monthly retainer to be ‘on call’ and pay for the hours that I actually did. This was fantastic. There was only one problem; they needed to interview me in English and also in Mandarin.

Well, I thought, I can blag my way through it can’t I? They had given me a week and I swotted up with my Mandarin books. I thought that I had done very well, I studied quite hard, and thought that I could probably fleece them.

Day of the interview: I rocked up in my best slacks, shirt and tie. I brought all my documents with me and I was feeling confident. I was led into a room with a few people in it. There was one British woman, and two Taiwanese people, one man and one woman. I said “hello, how do you do?” in English and Chinese. The British woman welcomed me and I had the gentlest interview from her for about 15 minutes. I was very confident now. The Taiwanese pair then started to interview me. ‘Hellos’ were exchanged again, and then they asked me some simple questions about where I lived, how I liked Taiwan etc. in Mandarin. This was basic stuff which I had practised with in long prolonged bar sessions with attractive Taiwanese barmaids. This was easy.

Then they asked me something to which I had no idea. They frowned slightly, and then asked me pretty much the same question in a different way. No idea. Then they asked it in a baby fashion:

“What is your opinion on huahuahuahuaahuxie?”

I asked what type of ‘huahuahuahuaahuxie’ they were referring to.

“There is only one type of ‘huahuahuahuaahuxie.’You mean you don’t know what ‘huahuahuahuaahuxie’ means?”

“Erm no.”

“‘huahuahuahuaahuxie’ means ‘huahuahuahuaahuxie huahuahuahuaahuxie of huahuahuahuaahuxie.”

“Ah, I think it is good.”

“How about huahuahuahuaahuxie huahuahuahuaahuxie huahuahuahuaahuxie huahuahuahuaahuxie?”

“Also good?”

“You think that huahuahuahuaahuxie huahuahuahuaahuxie huahuahuahuaahuxie huahuahuahuaahuxie is good?”

“erm…”

It was at this point that I realised that the game was up. Had I been more on the ball, I might have realised it 5 minutes earlier, and been the first to realise it, instead of the fourth.

The British woman and the Taiwanese people then had a long discussion in Chinese about me. I was too busy trying to stop drenching myself with sweat to listen properly.

The British woman then said in English “So what was it like studying Mandarin in Cambridge as it says here on your CV?”

Ah! I had forgotten about that little cherub. I stood up, muttered my apologies in English and Chinese, and walked out the door.

I went back to the hotel, packed my backpack, and took a plane to Seoul where I faked being a prairie oyster farmer from Montana which is another story.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 15:42, 6 replies)

oh, balls
"... a prairie oyster farmer from Montana..."

I bet it took them mere seconds to see that you were talking bollocks. ;=)
( bnt what, me worry?, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 15:54, closed)

Prairie Oysters
To be fair they weren't that bad when I tried them when I visited a mate in Missoula, Montana. I had to dip them in bbq sauce though.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:00, closed)

Re: The title of this post
is it a typo or are you being lacist?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:55, closed)

^
If I were being lacist then I would have written... fraking it...? No that didn't work.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:14, closed)

Aghhh!!
I'm dying to know what 'huahuahuahuaahuxie' means now!
(cherrynicola, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:09, closed)

^
You and me both!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:48, closed)