Messy head
Today has been a day of faking...

I crawled into the office at about half nine this morning, with the effects of one too many drinks still stinging my brain and deep bags underlining my eyes.

"Sorry I'm late" I mumbled to my boss, then slumped down at my desk hoping he wouldn't question me further.

He did.

So I had to make up an excuse, then pretend to throw myself into my work with enthusiasm.

Since then I've had an almost constant stream of people stopping by my desk to ask me questions, and I have to pretend that I actually give a flying fuck about their issues.

What I really need is to fake some kind of illness and get out of here before I fall asleep at my desk and embellish my face with a keyboard pattern.
( Moey, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 11:13, 7 replies)

friend of mine..
came up with a good one:

1) when feeling "tired and emotional", turn up for work. Leave at about lunchtime and go home, saying you feel woozy.

2) take next day off "sick". self-certificate if needs be.

3) when you go back to work, be seen to eat red meat and/or spinach-heavy dishes and just claim you had/have a touch of anaemia. In dire cases you can go to the doctor, and lead with "I feel lethargic and get light headed at times. I don't eat much red meat and spinach, could I be a touch anaemic?". The doctor will say it's possible and recommend you eat more red meat, spinach, etc (and in some cases that you drink Guiness/some other stout for the iron in it), before they say "keep an eye on it and if it gets worse we'll look into it". Bingo, one carte blanche for the odd sickie. Genius!
(Chad, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 11:29, closed)

aye we've all been there mate.
This will get you out of work. When the boss isnt at his desk email him:

Dear Boss,

This is very difficult to write and is extremely sensitive and embarassing and I hope it will never be brought up again. But as you may have noticed Im not feeling too well today. I went to the bathroom earlier to be sick, but sadly at the same time I managed to expell from the rear also. Obviously due to the mess I cannot resume work today so have gone home.

I should be back tomorrow ith a fresh pair of underwear and trousers, and I hope that you will understand the embarssment and sensitivity of this issue by never mentioning it to me.

Thank you,



Then fuck off home. Next day everything is normal. Only drawback is is that boss will think youve shat yourself. But ah well if it does come out then just play double fool and say you were fucking hungover and wanted to go home.
(Miggyman, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 11:34, closed)

women have it easy...
all they have to do it mumble "women's problems" whilst vaguely indicating their nether regions and any male boss will let her go home through a combination of fear that she'll sue for discrimination and he'll have to deal with the morons from HR and the male fear of what happens when the ladies drop their giblets.

What I want to know is what is the male equivalent? Can you legitmately go up to a female boss and say "I'm sorry, I have to go home because the bus rocked me in a nice way and the resultant erection caused me to snap my banjo string in a pant-based disaster"? Or "Sorry, but I just accidentally twanged a bollock when I sat down too quickly and now I feel both hurty and sick"?

Answers on a postcard, please...
(Chad, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 11:39, closed)

"A bit woozy"
wouldn't work with my boss.

"My arm just fell off" would doubtless be met with a flippant "you have another one, what's your problem?".

What I neglected to mention is that I work for an alcohol company, so hangovers aren't ever accepted as an excuse; even if you're out drinking with work until 5 in the morning.

EDIT: We don't have an equivalent, Chad. We do have man flu though, and that's worse than any illness in the world, ever.
( Moey, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 11:52, closed)

hangover get-out
I know you can't get away with a hangover, but there is always the old fave of "I grabbed a burger/kebab/indian/pasty from garage/ate leftovers from the fridge and I've been up all night with an arse like a Japanese Flag, screaming to Huey on the big white telephone" - hard for them to disprove and (assuming that you wash the smell of alcohol off beforehand and liberally deodorise if you start to sweat it out) your shaky, sweaty, quesy look will add voracity to your tale of woe. Sipping a hot sweet tea in a meek fashion and wincing if anyone brings food your way helps, too.
(Chad, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 11:59, closed)

I've played that card before
and it does work a treat. Only problem is, you do that too often and the boss gets very suspicious, very quickly.

I think I may have to play the "I can't concentrate on this really important presentation that I have to finish, and will have far better success if I 'work from home'". Then go home and go back to bed.
( Moey, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 12:05, closed)

additional blag...
If your boss gets suspicious of the "food poisoning" and you rent a property, you can always imply you think there is something wrong with it - rats peeing in the kitchen, or dead pigeons in the water tank, etc...harder for him to prove and you can always have a month of solid work and say "it's much better since they did X to the house"...
(Chad, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 12:31, closed)