Not only did someone post lies on the internet
Their spelling was appalling, and their grammar almost non-existent.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 8:57, 2 replies)

Office Cake
Came into work, at the unholy hour of 7am, to be greeted by the sight of a home made cinnamon fruit cake, sitting in the goodie corner. Managed to resist the calls of EAT ME eminating from the direction of said yummy treat, for a whole hour and 20 mins no less. So, i wandered over, cut a slice.....

Bloody thing is as dry as a Nuns snatch, AARGH!
(Catrim, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 8:20, Reply)

Shirley someone else noticed the elephant in the room.
Apple.

I've owned a couple of smart (Android) phones and my missus spends hours wasting time on an Ipod touch I bought about 3 years ago.
They all have covers of 1 type or the other (metal casing or leather clip-pouches).
My Nokia 6300 lasted me nearly 4 years - having been driven over, thrown, dropped into puddles and regularly called a "brickunt" only recently got ditched for another Nokia, because I had 2 sims.
The only 1 I've ever seen vain enough to include leaving a hole in the case to show off the logo is...
You guessed it.

That & the fact that a similar spec quad-core, 6gb. mem box my mate bought cost him nearly AUD$1500 more than mine.
They both came with OS's installed (I ditched mine in favour of a better one).
Even if I still gamed I'd be laughing. He, however wouldn't be. BF3 kinda sucked for him.
But if he wanted to produce HD music or do top-'o-the-woz graphic designs he'd be in luck.
Onya, Mickey!
EDIT: Nb. I have of course totally ignored virutalisation or emulation because if you're going to Bootcamp Windows on hardware that costs you almost twice as much as the hardware it's designed for (if not more) - then I have an uncle in Nigeria who has a very big check to give you. Trust me he'll put whatever logo you want on your box/phone. Just head to your local Nigerian Scam Store and talk to one of his friendly reps.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 7:04, 13 replies)

Pretty much any story in the local paper about a
kid who has been "unfairly" excluded from lessons. Their chav parents make them out to be little misunderstood angels, and the photo is staged so that the little angel is looking sad whilst wearing their full school uniform for the first time ever, and still looking like a blatant mini-psychopath. You know what? Don't want to have your mini-chav child exluded from school? Invent a fucking time machine and sterilise yourself 10 years ago, you mouth-breathing, chain-smoking, Bacardi-drinking air-wasters.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 4:03, 6 replies)

Health Food Stores
I went into one expecting whole grain bread, raw vegetables and unprocessed food, instead it's all pills and potions. Stupid twats can't call it what it is; Hypochondriac Supplies.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 1:00, 8 replies)

How exactly is you having no self control technology's fault?
this article: www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17226643

Which is, in summary:
"Wah wah, I went somewhere really nice, but ignored it completely just because I had an internet connection."

"All the poor people of the world are getting internet, ruining my holiday!"
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 0:41, Reply)

effin fone upgrades
there was an actual news story on yahoo (probably next to stories about suffering in Lybia or Syria etc) about people who had signed up for a mobile phone deal and thought they could get an upgrade after 12 months only to find out they couldn't upgrade until 18 months! Some of them sounded completely vexed! God Help them.
(byevad Bored sig:, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 23:39, 3 replies)

Sometimes
I have to walk past homeless people making the effort not to look directly at them or breath in their scent as I pass.
(JennaTaylor is gleaming like a well oiled Danny DeVito, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 23:16, Reply)

404

( Squilliam but . . . . *I'm* the one with all the talent!, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 21:28, 5 replies)

My breadmaker broke

(Mr Gronk, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 20:15, 3 replies)

Search is broken

( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 19:27, 1 reply)

Had to change the wireless router recently, 10 minute job to replace one isn't it?
3 laptops, 3 ipod touches, 2 smart phones, a blackberry playbook, a video streamer and the other video streamer, an Ipad...oh and a USB wireless card and an Internet radio

and the old laptop in my shed.


FFS
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 17:05, 19 replies)

After what can only be described as a "lovely" journey into work this morning (sarcasm implied) I have resolved myself thusly:

Tomorrow, before getting the bus, I will fill a cardboard box full of human faeces. I will also fit a 300w amplifier and speaker to the box, and play nothing but white noise at the loudest volume you can possibly manage. Then I will put the box in the biggest, most unwieldy pram I can find, and make my journey into work at 8:30am.

When people ask me to stop the box from emitting white noise I will, with righteous fury, say things like "Of course it's going to emit white noise at an ear splitting volume. It's a box with a speaker in it playing white noise!!! That's what it does!!!" and I will expect everyone to be fine with that. I will know that I am definitely in the right, because I am the owner of the box.

I will also expect everyone else on the bus to love and adore the box in the same way I do, and I won't possibly consider the idea that a box filled with human faeces emitting white noise at 300db might not necessarily be what most people want to be sat near as they make their way into work first thing in the morning. And God help you if you so much as look at the box with any other than complete adoration in your eyes.

Then later, I will push the unwieldy pram into the smallest shop I can find, and just fuck about for an hour.

Also, I will name the box "Alfie".
( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 14:20, 65 replies)

Fuck you George r.r.martin
so i'm sitting by the pool on holiday, reading the fifth in his seemingly neverending series of novels, more cliffhangers than pages, every book leaving more questions than the last, when my kobo informs me it's the end of the book. right, i think. time for the next one.
except he hasn't shitting well fiinished it yet!
NOW what am i supposed to do?
it's between the free bar and the sauna. FML.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 12:38, 5 replies)

Oh noes!
My control key has come off my laptop, and I can't get it back on! Whatever will I do?
(Tont, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 12:38, 4 replies)

Instead of self pity, how about pitiful selves? Internet trolls for example... it always brings a smile to my face to picture recidivist trolls in their twilight years reflecting on the sound time-investment they made by hanging about b3ta and similar places, day after day, week after week, year after year, pointing out the shortcomings of everyone else, perceived or otherwise. You've changed lives kids, really. Good work. First world problems of the highest order. Jog on.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 8:50, 23 replies)

First World vs Third World
South Korea has a lot of foreign workers: migrant workers from South and West Asian nations, and English teachers from first-world English-speaking nations.

The migrant workers live and work in poor conditions, and face institutional discrimination for where they're from. A lot don't work here legally, because their employers want to save money. If spotted outside their work areas, they're commonly picked up by immigration officers for detention and deportation. As a result, the most successful ones learn the Korean language, and will try to marry a local to get a marriage visa.

In 2007, a migrant detention center caught on fire, and the guards tried putting out the fire in the cells, but refused to open the cell doors for fear the migrants would escape. Ten died, 17 were injured, and I'm pretty sure most of the rest were deported. Four Mongolians apparently saved the lives of a bunch of prison guards, so they were allowed to stay in Korea.

The ESL community, who have their own homes, solid work visas, spend their weekends drinking, and get paid handsomely for simply speaking English, had a very strong reaction:

"Look how badly Koreans treat all us foreigners!"

Yeah, you're really in the same boat there, first-worlders.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 5:07, Reply)

& yet they managed to eke out
5 seasons of The Simple Life and 6 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
EDIT: Let's not even go there with Jersey Shore.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 3:27, Reply)

The parental fear of the ped
A friend won't let their 12 yr old out by themselves or with friends, because, "you know, there are peds out there".

We used to get locked out of the house at age 10 because playing outdoors was good for you (although I suspect it was so dear mummy could have an afternoon delight). A bike and a few friends meant you had a life of your own, you were trusted and eventually left the house at a decent age of 17-18. Childhood obesity was a total unknown - the fat kids then aren't the same or as numerous as the fat kids now.

Parents - let your kids out. Unless they are the little fuckers who run amok and then you can keep 'em in your basement or whatevs.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 2:57, 9 replies)

Only 2 Seasons of Carnivale?
F... actually, it worked with the ambiguous ending and cyclical nature of the plot. Never mind, then.

See also: Pushing Daisies, Dead Like Me, any Brit comedy, Mongrels etc. Now can we please stop with these posts, chaps? :-)
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 2:30, 1 reply)

Only 7 series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Fuck that.
(speedevil, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 2:24, 2 replies)

Only 14 episodes of Firefly
Fuck that.
(Mong goose, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 1:54, 5 replies)

Sympathy?
I'm probably in a small minority by thinking this, but I have zero sympathy for any* problems or annoyances incurred by motorists.

Fuel prices increasing?
"Road tax" increasing?
Insurance costs increasing?
Stuck in a traffic jam**?
Bus lanes stopping you driving on perfectly good bits of road?
Can't find a parking space directly outside your own house?
Car needs yet another service, setting you back hundreds of squids?
One-way system preventing you accessing your destination quickly enough?
Ice on your windscreen on a winter's morning?
Other, equally selfish drivers cutting you up?
Unable to take important calls on your Blackberry because some politican decided it was dangerous when it's obviously perfectly safe and they have no idea what they're talking about?
Pedestrians/cyclists/anyone else in control of a lesser powered vehicle "getting in your way" and delaying your journey***?
Flat tyre on the A36 at 9pm on a Friday?

Here's a novel idea: GET RID OF YOUR FUCKING CAR. A car is a luxury, not a necessity. Walk to work. Cycle. Take public transport. Do your bank balance and blood pressure a huge favour. And get out of *my* way by not parking on the sodding pavement. You arrogant twat.

* Obviously if someone is killed or injured while behind the wheel of a car and at the time of the accident was not behaving like a complete spacktard this rule doesn't apply.
** You're part of the problem as well. Don't take it out on other people.
*** Just run them over. They deserve it because they're not as fast as you.
(SJH, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 1:49, 16 replies)

Bloody Australians whinging about 'pommes'
If you don't like apples then don't eat them, noone's making you. Just like noone can make me drink your terrible lager.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 0:10, 21 replies)

Bankers
A predictable one I know, but apparently, if these amazingly talented people (who caused the financial crisis) receive even the slightest amount of criticism - THEY. WILL. LEAVE - and then where would we be?

The words, "door", "arse" and "hit" spring to mind.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 0:03, 2 replies)

Hooooboy...
People who whine they haven't got money for food, but they're always pissed up, and they always have cigs.

Anyone complaining they can't afford to run a SECOND car.
( Evilsprinkles Shitting glitter, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 22:45, 5 replies)

Not just a first world problem, but I bet they don't whine about it so much in poverty-stricken countries...
Balls. I understand that getting kicked or hit in the balls must hurt a lot. However, it seems like you can hardly brush past, or accidentally gently tap the genital area of a man without him recoiling in "pain". If it's that bad, just wear a cup and be done with it!

And FYI getting hit in the boob is fucking painful too.
(JennaTaylor is gleaming like a well oiled Danny DeVito, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 22:38, 15 replies)

˙ǝɯ oʇ uʍop-ǝpısdn ʞooן sʇsod ɹnoʎ ןןɐ os

ǝɹǝɥdsıɯǝɥ uɹǝɥʇnos ǝɥʇ uı ǝʌıן ı
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 19:23, 8 replies)

Georgian Flats
Get terribly cold in the winter donchaknow
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sat 3 Mar 2012, 19:11, 1 reply)