Breeding License
You need a dog license, a TV license, a driving license, but you can lob your beans up any old slapper and create human life.

I propose local assessment centres as a first stage. The potential parents are examined for tattoos, face piercings, and signs of any knuckle scraping. A quick look at tax records and then onto the regional assessment board if successful.

At the RAB, a simple test comprising a table laden with a young child, a twenty bag of brown, and a six pack of fosters. The prospective parents are then asked to arrange the items in order of priority. That should cover the practical.

But a written paper would need to be followed. None of that choosing "C" on multiple choice questions... a proper written paper on what being a parent means. And then the interview... If you ask the future mother "what was the last book you read?" and she replies "Take a Break", then the ovaries should be ripped out through her belly button at once.

I wouldn't make it over complicated, but enough to stop the impending tide of light brown bottom feeders we currently face.

Shagging without a license? 12 points and a 6 month ban. How do you like them apples?
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 15:37, 71 replies)

I read that as
"Ugh! Miscegenation!"

Unless you somehow mean the phrase "impending tide of light brown bottom feeders" to be somehow non-racist.

Twunt.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 15:47, closed)

I'd refuse a licence to anyone saying 'we should have breeding icences'.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 15:54, closed)

Light brown?
You mean our good clean British belles - who you evidently think so much of - are breeding with FOREIGNERS??!!?
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 15:57, closed)

It's political correctness gone mad!
They'll be legalising pooves next!
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:11, closed)

Nearly, but not quite.
Racism and eugenics are unacceptable:

misinformed-misanthropic-misbehaved.blogspot.com/2011/05/while-cynic-knows-price-of-everything.html
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:06, closed)

Fuck.
you.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:19, closed)

Boo
There has been a tsunami wave of sweaty handed wankers this week, but you really stand out as something a bit special. The fact my kids are ‘light brown’ means you’ve touched a nerve.

It’s regretable that this is the internet and not a pub conversation where I could ‘ave you out in the car park’ :(
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:20, closed)

And
you don't need a dog licence to own a dog.

but clearly you don't care enough about the country you are so quick to want to protect from those filthy foreign types to bother to learn about it.

Also:

Fuck.
You.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:23, closed)

good lord.
top racism, there.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:24, closed)

Hahahahaha

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:35, closed)

whut?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:38, closed)

Your reply. The sarcasm reads well, conveys the message it's meant to, and made me do a lol.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:42, closed)

oh, that's alright then.
do carry on.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:51, closed)

Nice sig change! I'm all in favour of working toward a light brown world
because a) my kids are light brown, and b) light brown women are the hottest, IMHO (in my horny opinion)
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:39, closed)

YOU FILTHY BREEDER WHERE'S YOUR LICENCE?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:51, closed)

Oh dear PA. This all seems to be going one way.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:41, closed)

I know it doesn't really go
But when I heard the phrase light brown bottom feeders it made me think of Lola, L.O.L.A. Lola, La la la la Lola.
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:57, closed)

You don't need a dog licence...
... unless you live in Norn Iron.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 17:37, closed)

Quiet menace
You've posted some interesting things in the past, things that completely concealed your Daily Heil ideas and chickenshit racism. You might even claim ex post facto to have been trolling sarcastically or something similar, in view of the deluge of...it's not even abuse; it's more disappointed offence that someone so literate could also be such a bigot, but at least most people on this board are smart enough to realise that you've just revealed your true colours as a total cunt.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 18:03, closed)

^This
I did a quick profile check and was saddened to see it was someone who I had found amusing in the past.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:26, closed)

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear pa
You racist prick.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 18:28, closed)

It's alright folks, in two years he'll claim he was trolling.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 18:51, closed)

I reckon a 6 month ban from here is exactly what you need, you racist fucking prick.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:19, closed)

Go to it with your mod powers BD.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:39, closed)

I'm not allowed to mod qotw, they don't trust me to stop swinging the banhammer.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:41, closed)

Hi piper alpha, I am a bit confused, could you let me know which colours are ok using this chart, there are some numbers that will help hopefully, then at least we'll all know where we stand www.taoti.com/images/colorchart.gif
( vladimir, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:20, closed)

Cunt
You need a licence for that. Go back to the pond you were spawned.
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:21, closed)

AMERICAN
Bigot! I might be wrong, although American schooled, and cannot spell... Cunt. Er well he maybe able to spell that. Tee Haich Aee Tee.

There you go. Two lessons in one.
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:26, closed)

...
Haich Aich.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:54, closed)

Well said that man.

(Kip, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 18:03, closed)

Eugenicist?
I thought you were going to make a fair enough point at first ie that people should not necessarily see having children as a right, but only if they can prove themselves to be competent parents for the child before hand*.

And then you went all racist...

The first 13 words were okay, though.

Oh dear.

* Not that such a system could work without giving scary powers to the government
( monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:46, closed)

I don't think he's a eugenicist.
I'm all for eugenics: I like the idea of engineering out the gene for, say, Huntington's Chorea. We could get rid of diabetes, migraine, and a bunch of other stuff while we're at it, and ensure maximal intelligence, too. I'd go further: parents should be allowed positively to choose characteristics from a genetic catalogue should the technology to do so ever appear.

So I guess you could call me a soft eugenicist. I'd hate to be associated with the OP, though.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:59, closed)

"allowed positively to choose"
Who would decide what constitutes a catalogue of 'positive' attributes?
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:20, closed)

"Positive" does not mean "desirable"
"Positive" means just that: that they should be able to add characteristics according to their preference.

That is: choosing negatively would refer to saying things like "I want a child who doesn't have characteristics x, y, and z"; choosing negatively would refer to saying things like "I want a child who does have characteristics p, q, and r".

Obviously, there'd be some constraint at the extreme - if you made a positive request for a harmful trait (eg Huntington's), that could be vetoed. But I don't see any problem with being able to choose for or against most other phenotypes. By and large, though, the criterion of desirability would be the parents' preferences: just about anything that is not harmful could go into the catalogue.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:00, closed)

Ah, I see. Misread the other post.
I can see what traits people would choose not to have (inherited disorders etc), but what kind of things would you choose to have?
My personal wish list would be:
Four arms, á la Goro from Mortal Kombat
A stinging tail
Pleasant smelling feet
A superhuman thirst for justice
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:48, closed)

Just had a thought ...
This technology would usher in a whole new era of teenage resentment. They could legitimately blame their parents for being ugly.
"You could have stopped this! I HATE YOU!"
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:52, closed)

This is true.
But, then again, teenagers managed to derive a cause from resentment from just about everything anyway, so I'm not sure that the difference would be noticeable...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:58, closed)

I think the problem there would be
that "positive" doesn't mean "good". eg Many cultures would think male or heterosexual are positive, rather than neutral, characteristics.

That said, I agree that (especially with our considerable knowledge of genetics) eugenics could be used for good in terms of getting rid of negative traits such as susceptibility to certain diseases, it's just the idea of giving anyone the power to say what is a negative characteristic is a scary thing.

Also, if someone wants a child with specific characteristics, I'd say they shouldn't be allowed a child in the first place, as that is the wrong reason to want one.

However, I think the major issue with eugenics is not "designer babies", but rather population control.

Ultimately, population control (ie global, rather than immigration) is something that will need to be addressed soon. It would be nice if people cared enough about the future of our species not to sprog so much, but I can't see people willingly stopping at two at any point soon, and so I imagine eugenics may end up an only solution.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 16:18, closed)

So far as I am aware...
...it hasn't been proved that there is a genetic trigger for diabetes. There may be a whole swathe of factors involved a la Chronn's disease. We simply don't know for sure.

I'll put my pedant hat away for a while now.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:25, closed)

Fair point,
and I'll certainly concede that "the gene for diabetes/ asthma/ whatever" is frequently nothing more than a convenient, simplifying shorthand. And, of course, a gene is not a determinant.

Having said that, susceptibility does - at least sometimes - have a familial dimension, and it's not unreasonable to suppose that there's a genetic or epigenetic factor that could be neutralised.

Crohn's is a good example: we don't yet know what - if anything - is going on genetically; but we do know that it has patterns that run through families. Members of my close family have it; but it's not inconceivable that you need environmental triggers to make the gene do its thing. Still, it would be good if we could home in on the disposition, and get rid of that.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:37, closed)

You do have a perfectly valid point
Eugenics isn't clear cut, a lot of people who would scream a resounding "No!" at the concept would also struggle to deny that they would endorse the eradication of the genes responsible for Huntingdon's or Cystic Fibrosis. I lost a friend from the latter and I certainly wouldn't argue against the application of genetic engineering to consign it to history.

I'll leave the ethical untangling of this to someone far more qualified than me I think.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:11, closed)

Is it not concievable that many
"negative" genes can also have unforseen positive effects, though?

Does every species not need to throw out a reasonable variation - positive and negative - in order to evolve and survive?
( monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 16:29, closed)

No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist.

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:08, closed)

HURRAH FOR THE BLACKSHIRTS!
Do you have a newsletter I can sign up to? Only I've been banned from Stormfront for trying to set up The Stormfront Konnie Huq Appreciation Society.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:09, closed)

"The Stormfront Konnie Huq Appreciation Society"
Kudos for the most amusing reply to this thread so far.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:13, closed)

Can I suggest an anthem for your club?
"Konnie Huq, Konnie Huq, she's the one we want to fuq!"
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 16:42, closed)

People have to be allowed to be free to succeed or fail.
Which do you think you've done by posting this?
( WormuIus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:15, closed)

I'm intrigued by how indiscriminate you've been
People with tattoos or facial piercings shouldn't be permitted breeding licenses.

I could understand (even if not empathise) if you'd chosen people with some genetic trait that would breed true, but those things are common-place, normal lifestyle choices.

This is actually more unreasonable than suggesting that white people or people with Down's syndrome be prevented from having children.
( WormuIus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:25, closed)

I'm going to suggest to you
that you intended this as a comedic exaggeration of your own views and expected people on here to take it as such.

You ought to reconsider whether b3ta really wants you here.
( WormuIus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:26, closed)

tldr version:
You're an imbecile, fuck off.
( WormuIus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:27, closed)

^This
I have tattoos; I also have an MA from Oxford.

However big a grain of salt he was hoping people would take in reading his post, there's not a trace of humour in it when taken at face value, and even if there were, that wouldn't make it any less offensive. It's like saying "Burn the Jews and turn them into soap lol."
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:49, closed)

'Also, remember there is a difference between poor taste and being hateful. Please don't use b3ta as an outlet for racism, or your posts will be deleted and your account banned.'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:18, closed)

Good thing THE MODS ARE A USELESS BUNCH OF FAT AUTISTIC VIRGINAL PAEDO CUNTS then, isn't it?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:28, closed)

TERRIBLE BULLYING OF TOP-MOD BALDMONKEY!
:(
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:48, closed)

I'm pretty sure you have no need to apply for a license anyway.

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:19, closed)

12 points on what, exactly?

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:33, closed)

classic MGT!

( vladimir, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:45, closed)

To be perfectly honest
it was "The potential parents are examined for tattoos, face piercings, and signs of any knuckle scraping" set my alarm bells ringing.

Probably because I have tattoos, a facial piercing and scraped my knuckles helping my mate carry a TV the other day.

Not that I really want to have kids, but still, these things are no guarantee of anything.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:43, closed)

what were you looting Dixons? you scumbag

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:44, closed)

Nah, I gave him my old third-hand CRT that weighs more than a small car
...after having successfully looted myself a nice new flatscreen, obvs
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:54, closed)

What the fuck have tattoos and facial piercings got to do with being non-aryan?
In fact, I thought that most of your lot* tended to like tattoos because they're "well 'ard" you can have "Made in England" round your belly button and "BNP" in big letters on your head so everyone can tell what useless pricks you are?

*bigoted, worthless shit.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:59, closed)

"Aryan"
Unless you meant avian, in which case fly and be free my little birdy friend.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:22, closed)

Indeed, thanks, I shall correct.
It's not often I use the word.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:24, closed)

Has anyone cached this yet?
It'd be a shame to lose it - and the comments - if and when PA deletes it.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:00, closed)

AB's bound to have done.
It's a shoe-in for the Fail Archive.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:48, closed)

I think it needs a whole new archive to itself.
It's far and away the failingest thing I can remember seeing here.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:51, closed)

New unit of fail
1000 Totachs = 1 Piper Alpha
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:53, closed)

Naaaah. There's a qualitative difference between the two
Totach made himself look a bit silly, but there was nothing hateful about his post.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 22:41, closed)

True
So we need different values of fail:

fail_i*: when you look like an idiot in front of the whole internet; and
fail_g*: when you reveal to the internet that you are in fact a fully paid-up Nazi.

*where i=idiot and g=Godwin
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 23:34, closed)

Shit like this doesn't bother me
when there's a wall of righteous condemnation below it.

But I live in Aberdeen and knew people who died in Piper Alpha, you insensitive twunt.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 16:35, closed)

Interesting
I'd quite like to meet you in person, then I could introduce you to my 'light brown' girlfriend, to be honest I reckon she'd go easier on you you than I would.
(Kip, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 18:03, closed)