Knock Knock?
Who's there?

An actual QOTW story...

Just after university I did a lot of temp work. It wasn't bad, there were plenty of jobs for a smartly-dressed young graduate. I'd signed up with a bunch of agencies and they sent all over the place - filing for banks, data-inputting for large insurance companies, working reception for large office buildings, etc, etc.

I was paid monthly, the agencies totaling up all the hours I'd put on the various assignments. Trouble with that was, I'd be flat broke within days of being paid. So I hit upon the perfect scam.

Lunchtimes. As the temp, I'd often be corralled into taking lunch orders. I'd go from desk to desk, writing down orders and collecting cash. I did this diligently at every place I worked at, even offering my services if no one asked me.

And then one day, at a big finance company, temptation overcame me. I piped up around midday and asked everyone in the huge open-plan office if I could get their lunch. 20 minutes later I had a pad full of requests and a pocket full of cash. 60 minutes later I still had a pocket full of cash - but the poor City boys and girls had no lunch, and no temp.

Over the next few weeks, at multiple work placements, I repeated the trick. The amazing thing was, the agencies took ages to cotton on, they still paid me my temp salary and in some places I was coining over £100 in lunch money!

Slowly but surely the clients complained (and obviously I could never work in the same place twice) - but for a large part of that glorious summer I was often clearing £100 a day in cash PLUS my standard £8 p/h. At one bank in Canary Wharf (rhymes with Barclays), two of the traders gave me fifties!

My only regret is that I never got to see their faces when they realised the change wasn't coming.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:14, 29 replies)

I think I've just ruptured something...

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:18, closed)

My only regret is that this is a troll too far.
You blew it, Albert.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:23, closed)

Trying too hard.
This was almost vintage Marshmallow but you had to overdo it. Sad times.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:30, closed)

Not trying hard enough.
Could have been vintage shamblic, but - not nearly enough vitriol, faux-hatred or mock outrage.

Sad times indeed.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:36, closed)

Yeah. Soz.
Bit tired today. Perhaps if you pretended to have a property portfolio I'd be able to work up the impetus for some proper derision.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:42, closed)

Get me a cheese sandwich.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:31, closed)

Not trying hard enough, more like.
The Albert we know and love would never have set his sights as low as a spree of petty larceny. We need to hear about how you used the money you embezzled to rig up a webcam system in the ladies' toilets, cross-reference everyone's employee ID badge with your comprehensive fetish database and leave each lady's object of erotic predilection in a used carrier bag hung from the front fence of their home address.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:40, closed)

If we ever steal his username I nominate you to spoof it.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:48, closed)

Not sure I want to get myself into that sociopathic a frame of mind, to be honest.
That said, most of the time he makes an immensely entertaining read. Rock on, Albert.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:49, closed)

This absolutely happened and I don't see why people are doubting you.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:44, closed)

Why didn't you just flog a couple of those Georgian townhouses you have lying around in Chelsea, to pay for your lunch?
EH, LIEMALLOW????
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 13:26, closed)

Since I can only see a third of the replies to this
I'm assuming you've wound up the spastics into a proper tizzy. Good work, fella.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 13:53, closed)

Upset. Online.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 13:58, closed)

Does that mean they're ignoring you or me?
I can never figure it out.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:29, closed)

If they're ignoring you, you wouldn't see their posts as 2.0 cuts both ways
I've got some of the spackier posters on ignore, so I'm guessing either Shambo or Monty is here
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:31, closed)

Your pretend disinterest is somewhat undermined by the fact that three quarters of your posts are about the people you are ignoring.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:40, closed)

So you're ignoring each other...
but replying nonetheless. WTF?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:44, closed)

Ignore doesn't actually work.
All it does is allow frantic emo Marys like Emma here to whimper and whine about how they're superior to the people that they're hiding from.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:48, closed)

I'm not hiding from you.
You've got me on ignore.
Yet you manage to respond in posts that I've made.

Oh, that's right - not only are you arrogant and belligerent you're also a hypocrite.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 20:09, closed)

Not mentioned once in this thread yet you felt it was about you in any way.
Protesting too much, I think.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 20:54, closed)

Easy tiger.
It's cruel to remind The Dulls that their entire internet existence revolves around their envy of the bigger boys.

boys chins
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 21:49, closed)

Didn't see you mentioned here before you made ^ that post.
The BD doth protest too much, methinks.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 23:40, closed)

Your user name depresses me.
It makes me feel weird. Misery McUglywife? What does that even mean?

I can be in a great mood...then I pop to b3ta and see 'Misery McUglywife' everywhere and suddenly my mood evaporates.

Can't you change it? May I suggest 'Happy McFuckwit' - it's kind of upbeat, jolly and won't send me into a deep depression each time I read it?

Misery McUglywife? It's so dark and awful. I don't want to be dragged down into whatever hell you're living. If life's that bad, just divorce her and trade up for a better looking model.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 21:20, closed)

Shambo gave it to me after Brigadier "stole" ringofyre.
I like it. I think Shambo was trying to suggest that I was miserable and that my wife is ugly - neither of which is true. More about it here - b3ta.com/questions/emergencyservices/post1967731#post1967866.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 23:03, closed)

Ah, it's Shambo
Bless his little retarded heart
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:43, closed)