you can only fuck
with the cock you've got
( fudboy high ideals and crazy dreams, Sun 23 May 2010, 22:49, 1 reply)

Fathers words
Only advice my father gave me,

"Do whatever you want, just dont get caught"
(cname, Sun 23 May 2010, 22:29, 2 replies)

Something similar to the advice on flying below...
Reminded me of the time my mate Andy gave me my first tab of acid. His sage words of advice? "This is strong stuff, so remember one thing... If you think you can fly, then for fuck's sake try it out on the ground first".

Those words still ring as crystal clear in my head as they did the day he said them to me 20 years ago.
( DeadEyeDick, Sun 23 May 2010, 22:24, Reply)

Advice form the greatest Yorkshire lass in the world.....
I am from Kent. My wife is from Yorkshire. When we first got together, conversation naturally got around to how close Yorkshire folk kept their brass...her answering statement was:

"Not spending more than you need to on things you have to buy leaves you with more money to spend on things you want to buy...."

Try it. I managed to afford to learn to fly by adhering to that advice....
(Colonel Blink is now officially a pretentious prick, Sun 23 May 2010, 21:33, Reply)

My colleague (and best mate) told me this when I was junior staff...
...good in the workplace but still applies anywhere else

If you're nervous meeting someone vastly senior/more important (I was meeting the managing director) just remember:

"they still have to sit down when they're having a shit"

also, imparted at the same time, "you can tell a lot about someone by their shoes". I don't think this one is so accurate but the MD was wearing shitty grey vinyl slip-ons with cracks up the side. Company was sold off within a year.
(toomanypies, Sun 23 May 2010, 21:32, 2 replies)

Similar to below -

drive the the person in front of you is drunk and the person behind you is a cop.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 23 May 2010, 21:27, Reply)

When driving and the sun is low behind you...
...its probably dazzling everyone coming towards you. Turn you headlights on. The sooner they can see you the better...

Also, and has been mentioned here before, its best to assume that everyone else on the road is an idiot...
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Sun 23 May 2010, 21:15, 1 reply)

Kenny's advice..
On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
so if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

When he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Sun 23 May 2010, 21:09, 1 reply)

I've always had a soft spot for
"Kill'em all and let God sort it out." But as yet have never had the oportunity.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 23 May 2010, 20:29, 1 reply)

One I learnt today..
If you are approaching a bend and see chevrons, slow down, do not fucking speed up.

This advice is too late for the cunt who hedge-planted his Clio on the A158 and made my already tortuous drive home from Skegness even more irritating than a festering case of thrush.
( Sallyrsm, Sun 23 May 2010, 20:17, Reply)

Newborn
Mrs teddy bear's mum gave me this advice for our 3 day old little girl:

"She only cries if she is hungry, gassy or needs changing. Use a process of elimination". Works a treat!
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Sun 23 May 2010, 20:12, 1 reply)

Nail Varnish..
It's bad for excessive masturbaters.
(Tangerine_Avenger, Sun 23 May 2010, 19:57, Reply)

When moving house
always set up your bed, brewing tackle and a light meal first.

That way, you can enjoy a break when you need it and later on have some supper and your bed will be ready to fall into last thing when you're kncakered.

Always worked for me!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 23 May 2010, 19:46, 2 replies)

Just a quick one..
"Don't teach your father how to fuck.."

A gem from my old man.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sun 23 May 2010, 19:42, Reply)

Don't blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight.
Don't blame it on good times.
Always for the love of god,
blame it on the boogie.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sun 23 May 2010, 18:42, Reply)

While on a flight...
...with some mates to go and meet some family, we saw something seriously odd in the sky up ahead.

We have no idea what the hell it is, night flight and all of us kind of wired a bit too tight as we've been cooped up for a while now.

I ask if it's the moon as it's big round and shiny and it's in the bloody sky in front of us.

The old bloke turned to me and gave me some advice I really wish I'd listened too.

"That's no moon."




runs. hides.
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Sun 23 May 2010, 18:21, 1 reply)

"It's easier to apologise than to ask permission".
I can't remember where I heard that. Probably TV somewhere. But I've found it to be the case.
(Vlad the Inhaler forgot his password, Sun 23 May 2010, 18:03, 3 replies)

Can't live without them,
can't use the bones for soup.
Thanks Sonny Barger
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Sun 23 May 2010, 18:03, 2 replies)

my nan aged 93 I was only 9
"I know this doesn't make any sense now, but promise me this. Always leave a party while you're still having fun"
best bit of advise I've ever got.
(knackerz is skinning up, Sun 23 May 2010, 17:38, 6 replies)

My dad's motto is to
"Be like the sundial; count only the sunny hours."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 23 May 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Ribena + Coffee: Don't.
A little ribena added to instant coffee does not add pleasant blackcurrant flavours to your morning brew. It tastes terrible.
( CowJam, Sun 23 May 2010, 17:09, 1 reply)

Im guessing most of you are too old for this...
Never leave revsion until the last minute, because it will inevitably leave you feeling like an old man with a beautiful blonde and no viagra; disappointed, deflated and useless.. maybe even suicidal. Right now i'm enjoying the joys of Come dine with me/facebook/picking up a pen/alcohol.
Epic fail.
Length? Im presuming 8 pages too short.
(MissFlee tried again on, Sun 23 May 2010, 16:37, 4 replies)

Advice from my old (Irish) RE teacher
"If sex is a pain in the arse....you're doing it wrong"

and after hearing him tell a bunch of fourteen year olds with raging hormones that a woman's vagina has teeth, he tells a concerned parent

"I know he won't truly believe what I said, but I've put that little bit of doubt in his mind"


Length: Not so you'd notice
(mowlem, Sun 23 May 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Advice from Dad
when being given a hard time by persons of no consequence;

"fuck em!"'
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sun 23 May 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself (Edward VIII )
Never do business with a hippy.
If you need to ask if its a man or a woman then don't
(DownhillGardener no-one does it like that anymore, Sun 23 May 2010, 15:58, Reply)

"They should all be destroyed"

Robert Muldoon
(El_diablo_blanco, Sun 23 May 2010, 14:38, 3 replies)

Never trust the word of a Freemason.
...unless you are one yourself.
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Sun 23 May 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Never trust a bloke who tucks his t-shirt into his jeans
Always thought this looked weird.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sun 23 May 2010, 14:32, 1 reply)

Advice on Flying
It's better to be on the ground wishing to be in the air than in the air wishing to be on the ground.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sun 23 May 2010, 13:56, Reply)

Advice on Ears
Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sun 23 May 2010, 13:54, 3 replies)