» Nights Out Gone Wrong

Not many b3ta stories involve Queen Elizabeth II, and a platoon of Gurkhas, so here goes
A few years ago, QEII is paying a royal visit to the country where I was working as a development worker for a well known charity. As we were funded by the British government, we all got invited to a reception at the British embassy. So we all dressed up in our finery and went. Did I mention that this invitation mentioned free alcohol………This last fact was picked up by several of my colleagues, including “Big Charlie” who was over 6’6’’and the wrong side of 20st.

Anyway, the reception came and went, we all shook hands with the Queen, and had some drinks. I then had to leave to get the train back to my workplace which was about eight hours away. No problem. Our boss had to leave too, as she had a meeting. Big Charlie stayed, which in hindsight was a mistake. A few hours later, he appears at our bosses house (which was next door to the office), completely off his head, with cuts and bruises, a black eye, and no recollection of the previous few hours, or even how he got there. The boss sobered him up, poured him into a taxi, and sent him home. She just assumed he had fallen over somewhere, which he had done before, after drinking a pint or twelve.

A week later, the boss goes to a committee meeting, comprising mainly of British expats. Comments such as ”the less we talk about the incident at the embassy the better” and “ I wish you could keep your staff under control” were uttered. The boss manages through casual conversation, to find out what happened after she left. Free alcohol and Charlie mix very well, actually too well. About a couple of hours after the Queen left, the embassy shut the bar. So Charlie reopened it. Not a particularly intelligent move I must admit. Especially as the people doing the security at the embassy, were Gurkhas. Apparently, it was the most polite fight anybody has ever seen. “Please don't do that sir, as I will have to hit you ” and “yes sir, I will be taking that beer off you ” were heard. His attempt at throwing a punch failed, as the soldier just stepped out of the way and watched Charlie go flying and make a dent in the floor .(For any readers who don't know, Gurkha soldiers are recruited from the mountains of Nepal, most are quite short, have a fearsome reputation for fighting skills, and can probably kill you in four different ways using just their little finger) Getting into a fight with them is like having a death wish, on steroids.

So for Charlie, meeting the Queen, getting blind drunk, getting into a fight with a platoon of Gurkha soldiers, being beaten up politely by said Gurkha soldiers, and finally been sobered up and sent home by your boss, who then takes massive flack for your behavior, yes ,I think that is a night out gone wrong.
(Wed 30th Mar 2011, 3:32, More)

» Evil Pranks

The prank that keeps on going......
IN the mid nineties, my mate ends up working in a high powered, serious money job in Thailand. He frequents the ahem bars ahem but has a problem. His name.

"Alastair" is completely unpronouncable by the girls, so, like about 90% of Thais he decides to use a nickname. Only he lets the girls help him choose it.......Biiiiiig mistake.

They explain that Alastair sounds similar to Oyster, and the Thai word for oyster is "hoi". OK, he thinks, I see the logic, so he goes around calling himself Khun Hoi (Mr. Hoi).

THREE YEARS LATER

While at a meeting tea break, an American Thai is casually chatting to him, and they swap business cards. The guy looks fazed, then looks at Alastair.

"Who gave you this nickname?"
"Er..some friends. Why isn't oyster a good name?"
"Technically Hoi can mean oyster, but usually it means cunt"

Long silence.
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 7:19, More)

» Good Advice

Advice from my old (Irish) RE teacher
"If sex is a pain in the arse....you're doing it wrong"

and after hearing him tell a bunch of fourteen year olds with raging hormones that a woman's vagina has teeth, he tells a concerned parent

"I know he won't truly believe what I said, but I've put that little bit of doubt in his mind"


Length: Not so you'd notice
(Sun 23rd May 2010, 16:35, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

The killing fields and S21
Went there when I was in Phnom Penh. So many bodies/skulls it sort of gets so big that you no longer comprehend the magnitude, until... until you get to the tree.

You see the bastards killed most with a blow to the back of the head with a shovel. Men, women kids. Everyone.

Except the babies.

As they were too small/couldn't sit up, the guards smashed their heads off a tree, in which they had helpfully inserted some nails so as to speed things up. Oh yeah, at S21, they thoughtfully photographed the prisoners, and they are many of women with their babies. They all were murdered.

I have never wanted to waste someone before, but on that day, given the opportunity I would have had no qualms whatsoever taking out a former guard or two.

Sometimes all evil needs in order to succeed is for good men to do nothing.
(Fri 29th Feb 2008, 10:27, More)