Canonical List
- I like to pee in my underpants in public places. Obviously this has to be a little squirt not 5 minutes of micturation bearing close resemblance to a domestic water leak.

- I like to shape my mashed potato into sculptures of classical excellence. Recent triumphs include '30 St Mary Axe', 'Mt Snowdon' and 'A Reclining Fred West'.

- I like to crack inappropriate gags in public situations. The other day at an RSCPA social I cracked the following gem...
"I came home the other day to find my plumber f*cking the dog. I called the police, but they refused to do anything about it, apparently he's corgi registered".
It was met with mixed approval.

- I sometimes treat myself to a little air guitar when I hear rock music.. It was for this reason I could be found in Sainsbury's last Saturday afternoon bouncing around like an epileptic under a stroboscope to "Paradise City" on the store's sound system.

- I also like to wind up people on streets I dont know. I wear dark glasses and bearing a white stick walk up to cars, feel the number plate and then proclaim loudly "NO, THAT ONE'S NOT MINE!"
(Vic Flange, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:55, 6 replies)

More Motorway fun
This is soooo wrong and many people have said how bad it is. To make it worse, it only makes me feel guilty because I only feel guilty when people say it’s bad.

When driving on those long, crappy motorway journeys I like to get up to a good healthy speed, over the limit of course, and then see how long I can close my eyes for without shitting out.
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:54, 9 replies)

corned beef hash
and baked beans..

with bread and butter - tame enrty i know. But i just LOVE IT!!!
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:53, Reply)

long time no post
1. i love picking my nose.. (made it bleed earlier this year and has only just healed)

2. i love picking my bum.. (not bled yet :/)

3. when i have cold hands i alway put them on to unexpecting peoples flesh. like when you just arrive at the pub after a cold walk, going up to people (that you know!) and putting it on their neck stomach when not expecting...(im sure this didnt need explaining so fully)

4. i never ever ever was my mug at work, and havent doen so properly in the last 3 half yrs. The secretary washed it for me the other day tho when i was off, cos she was so disgusted by it. :)

sry for blabbing
(burkymurk likes to jerk, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:52, 1 reply)

Um...
Kate Nash. And I would, as well.

I hate myself.
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:52, 2 replies)

It's nice
to google people you fancy. It's even better to google people you dislike in the hope that there's horrible stuff about them online.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Hmm
In a word " Casscada "


{ potentially combined with the activity "Lasso Dance" }
(jmg123, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:48, 1 reply)

I have a guilty secret pertaining to my arse.
I don't wipe it, instead I wash it with a bottle of water and then use one sheet of paper to dry it.

This may sound filthy and wrong, but actually it's a lot cleaner (after all, it's only your own shit that you're touching, and you wash your hands afterwards).

It's good for the planet, and doesn't leave you with an itchy crack later in the day.

And yes, it's pleasurable knowing that when the bog roll runs out, you're safe.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:46, 4 replies)

picking fluff out ofmy toes
i love it, especially when theyre new socks too.

or just picking my toes full stop.

i also like rubbing the old skin off my feet after ive been in the shower, leaving white rolled up pieces of skin all over the carpet...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:42, Reply)

As in my reply to
saf's post, I have a six year old daughter and have therefore watched all of the Disney princess films. I'm secretly in love with Ariel, and find myself leering over the Disney Princess magazines I now buy my daughter every week.

In order, the Disney Princesses I'd most like to have naughty relations with;

Ariel
Belle
Jasmine (though only in the red outfit she wears when captured by Jaffar)
Tinkerbell
Tinkerbell's new friend with the curly hair and acorn on her head in the Disney Fairy magazine.
Cinderella
Sleeping Beauty
Snow White
*EDIT* Lady, from Lady and the Tramp.

-Giselle from Enchanted almost topped this list, but then I saw her in Catch Me If You Can and boked (she licks Leonardo Di Caprio's face).

I'm a sad little man.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:41, 10 replies)

scrabble nerd
Sometimes, whilst idly watching television a word will come up and I'll think, 'wow, that'd make an awesome score in scrabble'.
Once, on a boring tube journey, I tested myself on the scrabble points value of every letter in the alphabet.

Another guilty pleasure is having secret crushes on cartoon characters. Do any other girls have that too?
My favourite 'hunks' are Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid, the Beast in Beauty and the Beast and Hercules. Sexy.
(saf, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:25, 11 replies)

Poo or Fart
classic game. Best done alone though, especially when you lose
( c_kick or, as some people call him, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:21, 1 reply)

Wibble Wobble...
When perched upon the toilet, I pretend I'm being interviewed by Jonathon Ross.

topics include.. my latest book/movie/caught shagging a super model.
(wicks, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:20, 1 reply)

Ummm...
Foie gras, anyone?

I mean: I know it's evil and all that... but it's great.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:13, 14 replies)

This question of the
week should be renamed too much information part 2.
( Trollman, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:02, Reply)

Shit, Shower, Shave
My morning routine is pretty much set.

1. Wake up
2. Eat Breakfast (normally some sort of cereal high in fibre)
3. Expel the built-up excrement from the day before via the porcelain throne.
4. Shower
5. Shave whilst in shower singing along to the radio.
6. Dress and preen
7. Leave for work (or turn on the PC if the weekend)

This is probably similar to most people's morning rituals, so you're probably/maybe asking yourself "So what's the guilty secret?"

"Is it that he shaves in the shower?"
No, that's just for convenience

"Is it that he sings along to the radio?"
No. Although if you'd heard my tone deaf warbling you might think otherwise...

"So what is it?"
I'm ashamed to say (and i really am!) that my guilty secret is... *drumroll*


I never bother wiping my arse in the mornings before getting in the shower. I never see the point, they're right next to each other, and i'm going to be rinsing and irrigating that area anyway, it's just a waste of loo roll...


This has however had it's downfalls whenever i feel too lazy/hungover to shower...

I don't want to go into too many details, so i'll leave the rest to your imagination...
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:58, 1 reply)

mongs
its cuntish and wrong.

i dont find mentally handicapped people funny, but why do i smirk when i see one?? i have no idea.

i'm epilleptic, therefore a bonafide mongoloid myself, thus giving me a free liscence to laugh all i want.

still makes me feel out of order though.
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:58, Reply)

Guilty PLeasure
For some unknown reason I love to fart in the car (when on my own) while driving, and then enjoy the ensuing odour.

I'm always worried that one day I'll need to give someone a lift post fart and they'll know that I like to fart in the car...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:57, 2 replies)

Yeah.
Pretty tame stuff for me, I think...


-I love scratching my head. Even when it doesn't itch it just feels so good to have a good long scratch. I also love to just run a comb or brush through my hair constantly. My friends always moan about it being noisy, though.

-I love to press the button at pedestrian crossings to turn the lights red. Even better when there's about three or four down the length of the road I'm walking down. To think I have such POWER over the dirty road users! Mwaha.

-I use an uncurled paperclip to clean my fingernails at work, then curl it back up and put it back in the pot.
(MrBeansHoliday, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:44, Reply)

I have to post now before I forget them
- taking pictures of my flatmate with my phone. he hates it which makes it funnier (he's highly un-photogenic and knows it)

- stealing his phone and taking a picture of myself gurning 'joey' style, and making it his background

- changing the homepage on his laptop to plumprumps.com

- the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond

- Rubbing the bits on the insides of my toes with my other toes after a long days sock wearing

That's all for now
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:39, Reply)

Scratch and Sniff....
I like to smell my fingers.

My wife catches me a lot sniffing my fingers.

I love to chop onions and garlic, the smell lasts for days no matter how much I wash my hands.

But mostly I like to smell my fingers after I've had a good old scratch.
Nothing smells as sweet as your own odours.
(Andy-Bhoy I'm here all week, try the veal., Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:39, 2 replies)

Tactical amusement
Every morning my daily commute involves a 10 minute trip on the waterloo and city line. It is always rammed full of people and most often I cannot get on the first two trains. Now this should piss me off. Bear in mind that I pay £7 a day for the privilege of stand squashed at the side of a train and tube for an hour a day.

But

I play a really fun little game.

Like most men, after waking up I yawn, take a piss and fart. Except on Mondays to Fridays – I hold the fart in. I hold it in all the way to the station. I sit on it all through the train journey and I hold it in while in the standing in line for the waterloo and city. By this time I have cold sweats building up and enough pressure to physically life my body off the floor.
The second before I get on the tube I let rip. As the doors close behind me I get to have a good look through the windows at the 50 odd suits that are squeezed into the tiny mushroom cloud of atomic poo death I have just created.

I then award myself a score based on facial reactions, hand gestures, face covering and tears of pain.

Today I scored a six…..yey

That’s my guilty pleasure – and I am very ashamed.
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:37, 2 replies)

Celebrity crushes

Rachel Allen, celebrity chef, her beautiful soft Irish accent gets me going on Saturday mornings when she's on the telly box.

So much better than Nigella as she doesn't have a man's name and isn't fat.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:33, 3 replies)

Pee
On many occasion on the way home after sipping on a few drinks I'd often (isn't it always the way) need to strain the main vein.
As I lived further away from the drinking establishments that the others I'd always save it up, giving me enough time to figure out who I
a. Didn't like in the street or
b. Recognised in the street as not letting me out of a junction.

I'd then piss all over either there lawn, door or car door.
This in itself led the way to me creating 'Crab-Pissing' whereas you can walk like a crab and piss without having to worry about anything getting on your clothes (or about blow back from a gust of wind).

I now feel very ashamed.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:31, Reply)

oh and another one...
I love turning the screen washers to the left on my car, then squirting people on the pavement.

Guilty? no usually, but when you get someone in the eye/mouth and there's anti-freeze in the washer bottle I feel really paranoid that I'm going to get arrested.
(pinacolada, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:30, 2 replies)

Hello
My name is Jeremy and I like talking on my mobile while driving.

I also like lying on public bulletin boards.
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:22, Reply)

Self Sexing
No, not the lefty and righty type...has anyone ever had the urge to meet themselves in a dark alleyway one lonely night and bone the fuck out of themselves in a single depraved act of pure debauchery?

I have. I'd be great I just know. I'm not even gay or anything but I'd make an exception for, er, me. I've just got the hottest ass on any man I swear to you!
( slippery doctore, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:17, 2 replies)

SUPER MARKET TROLLEY'S...
Getting some speed up with my trolley in the supermarket and then resting my weight on the grab handles and then lifting my feet up and letting the wheels take me for a ride.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
You get lots of hard stares from `sensible' shoppers. Yay!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:17, 4 replies)

Cyclists
I like waiting at a crossing for the lights to go red and looking out for a cyclist who is clearly going to jump the lights. Then I step out in from of him. I would love one of them to run into me so I could sue them for the injuries.
(Mork, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:17, 8 replies)