Bob's epiphany.
It has been alleged that in a shared house in Birmingham there lived four people. Two were a couple (M&F) and there were two others. One was a god bothering meek type and there was Bob (name changed to protect the guilty).
Bob was a snidey little f$ck rat who quite fancied himself as a hard man as he had been allowed to go to a football match ON HIS OWN by his mummy. As the male half of the couple was a 6'7" south african Bob decided to try his hardman act on the godbotherer who, as a result, became a recluse in his room.
Bob then tried to use mindfuck tactics on the female half of the couple. Moving and hiding stuff, breaking things deliberately, ordering stuff in her name, screwing with computers etc. As I said, a really weaselly waste of blood and organs, but nothing could be proved. The shared house was empty in December and the female housemate had to go back to her parents place as this little dick was making her life miserable.
Bob then put on the heating at max and put all the hot water taps to run FOR A MONTH while everyone was away, him included. He wasn't responsible for the gas bill and tried to blame said stunt on female housemate.His excuse every fucking time was, What's the matter, can't you take a joke"?
Female housemate's dad got involved. Female housemate's dad found out that Bob's favourite film was hostel.


Bob lost control of his bodily functions when he awoke one morning cable tied to a chair (allegedly)naked with clips attached to his genitals running to a mains socket (not actually wired in but he didn't know that). The screaming and pleading was (allegedly) a sight to behold. This turned to vomit-inducing terror when a series of power tools were paraded in front of his terrified eyes by three very large masked men in bloodstained overalls(allegedly).
Left alone in the house with one light on illuminating the countdown timer attached to the cables attached to his genitalia was (allegedly) the thing which pitched him over the edge. (allegedly)After he fainted, all was put back to normal and all evidence was totally removed. He left uni and is now clinically paranoid, terrified of the dark, won't sleep unless all the lights are on and the house is locked down and checked over and over. He'll be a chain round his useless over indulgent weak twattish parents necks for the rest of their lives, with any luck he'll top himself.


Don't fuck with my daughter Bob.
(Captain Placid Spraypaint the vegetables, Fri 6 Apr 2007, 10:40, Ignore, Reply)
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 12:51, 53 replies)

I have a very particular set of skills....

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 13:03, closed)

This is dumb for even your Talk/efforts.
Show some respect to those who still have some time and love this place. If you don't like it then stop whining and feck off and leave us alone from your childish pranks.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 13:44, closed)

Oh no, you're channelling the spirit of Captain Placid.
Please don't hurt me.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 13:45, closed)

hang on, this was an actual post by actual poster Captain Placid.
and people believe this shit? I can't imagine it won for its writing style, or its story or anything because it reads like it's written by a 13 year old that thinks it knows how to write like a grown up but has completely missed how to build tension. And it's so outlandish, and certainly illegal.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 17 Mar 2015, 13:46, closed)

just click 'i like this' and move on

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 13:51, closed)

i write like a 13yr old intentionally

( $$ ✅, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:01, closed)

This story will surely win

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 13:51, closed)

i hope so

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:10, closed)

Congratulations on being literally the least original person ever
As I'm fairly sure that being too thick or dull to think of a relevant story and posting someone else's instead is Amorous Badger's schtick - it's like you're copying a plagiarist, badly.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:00, closed)

Says the stupid cunt who posted this fantastic tale
"Something something coming and going at all times of day or night
Something doesn't have a job something something lazy as fuck something something shits in the corner of the kitchen and expects me to clean it up something something turns out he's a cat"

You thick twat
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:08, closed)

^this

( Muns, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:28, closed)

As were you

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:52, closed)

Ah, I see you were one of the cunts who were too thick to get it

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:51, closed)

no i troll u

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:53, closed)

Aw bless
Run along now, grown-ups talking
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:55, closed)

are they talking about childrens toys and nommy zombies again? bye!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:56, closed)

thx m8

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:10, closed)

No worries hun

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:51, closed)

you're so sweet

(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:26, closed)

So it turns out you're Shambles
I thought you were that pigshit-thick, flailing spastic Rory Lyon

Kinda says it all
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:53, closed)

does it say it all though?

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:58, closed)

I thought so

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 15:07, closed)

you've become a lot more petulant and infantile since you realised that you're universally unpopular on here

(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 19:19, closed)

I learned from the best
WWDSD
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 19:50, closed)

I feel that this comment disregards my contributions to QOTW.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 9:01, closed)

I hope so

(old man river possible lesbian, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 9:35, closed)

^ perfect mod material

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 14:07, closed)

I'm not banning emvee no matter how many times you Gaz me

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 8:58, closed)

Spoilsport

( Peej, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 9:40, closed)

b3ta.com/questions/cannotunsee/post2474677
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 18:34, closed)

clicked i like this even though i didn't read it

( $$ ✅, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:04, closed)

don't worry, i haven't read it either

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:09, closed)

liked and shared

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:09, closed)

retweeting this!

( $$ ✅, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:16, closed)

Favorighted!

(SlantedScience, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 21:45, closed)

I'm clicking this with several different accounts and none of them are reading it.

(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:25, closed)

do you know what a "gunt" is?
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 0:44, closed)

is it that scabby thing peeking out from under your xxl Linux T-shirt?

(old man river possible lesbian, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 9:36, closed)

no.
its you.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 23:25, closed)

I'm sorry, I read a couple of lines before I clicked it, that was a mistake.

( Zuowan, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 14:37, closed)

So who do I like or dislike then?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 17:24, closed)

Kill 'em all.

(SlantedScience, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 21:45, closed)

captain placid likes preteen hardcore

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 18:28, closed)

just what are you getting at here

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 19:58, closed)

captain placid has a hankering for category five child pornography

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 20:01, closed)

B3ta is not going to be a forum for wild libellous statements.
If you post stuff like this not only can you be sued for libel, we as a site can be sued. And we will all lose because it's not fair comment.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 0:59, closed)

ah, the 'comedy libel"

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 5:29, closed)

Rob fingers kids.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 10:11, closed)

I thought this was really cool
Until I realized that this was someone else's story from a previous qotw that you've just copied and pasted.
Then I just thought you were a dick for being so unoriginal.
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 7:41, closed)

fair play, you got my number

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 12:11, closed)

+1 785-273-0325

( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 13:08, closed)

just adding one more reply so we can hit 50
don't forget to hit 'i like this'
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 19:25, closed)

^ upset

(McChinaman banned, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 19:29, closed)