A friend of mine..
Was in HMV with a mate, trying to convert hin to the genius of Lou Reed's Transformer.
The music instore was quite loud so my mate was having to virtually yell to make himself heard.
Extolling the merits of each individual track he said, very loudly, at the precise instant the track playing ended, "Yeah, and Sex With Your Parents is weird!"
Queue frenzied giggling from punters and his mate shuffling away.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:06, Reply)

As an accountant, I have to remain professional at all times.
Before I allow correspondence prepared by a trainee to be sent to a client, I check it for errors. If I see anything even remotely resembling sexual innuendo I like to whip it out there and then.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:04, Reply)

with thanks to BearWithLittleBrain for the reminder
My father - the most un-worldlywise retired GP you are ever likely to meet; you know, old school - harris tweed jackets with patched elbows etc etc. No clue as to more modern parlance.

I was not present at the time, but my sisters (all 3) and my late mother were there and were all seen to be wetting themselves.

The discussion was around a local family (Richard and Caroline & 3 children) with whom my parents were friendly. Their eldest child was rather a homely girl with something of a serious bent to her persona. The other two off-spring were far more out-going, sociable, generally taking after their mother - my father chose this moment to utter the immortal line; " Yes, it would appear that she has a lot of Dick in her"....
(conanow, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:03, Reply)

when i was doing my GCSEs
there was a guy who always used to hassle me on the bus home, i would always listen to my walkman and he thought it was funny to talk shit about me quite loudly thinking i wouldnt notice. one day i had enough and when i got off the bus i tried to strangle him with the chain my wallet was on, only i was facing him at the time so he got away. the next day when it came up in conversation i casually mentioned i would have had more luck if i took him from behind

i didnt hear the end of that one for a while
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:00, Reply)

"Dad's got his nuts out "
These were the words I uttered one Christmas Day - I was around 13/14 and couldn't understand why my brothers were sniggering so much.

I was only letting everyone know that Dad had opened his jar of peanuts to snack on.....
(ricky_darkholer is blonde on the inside, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:00, Reply)

My mum used to make puppets
And needed some eyes. So she went into the hardware shop and asked the teenage lad at the counter 'Have you got wooden balls?'.

When he flushed and couldn't quite answer, she tried to explain further. Holding out her finger and thumb an inch or so apart, she continued: 'About that size'.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:59, Reply)

Of Supermarkets....
When in the supermarket with Mrs. Ryushin, we were looking to cook a satay chicken Dish, with me making the stir-fry. From the other side of an aisle, the Missus, after searching for Satay Sauce, loudly announces:

"Darling, I can't find any of your nut-sauce."

You could hear the entire supermarket grind to a halt, and me laughing. Lots.

Not to be outdone by this, we made our way over to the beer & Ales section, whereupon I happened to pick up some ales, without looking.

At the checkout, I loudly announced that I was going to enjoy said ales, picked up one bottle and began the sentance:

"Yes, tonight, I am particularly going to enjoy this, erm, Mann's Brown Ale."

It was her turn to laugh.
(Ryushin, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:58, Reply)

Work summer outing...in my pants
I work in a engineering company and often have lots of boxes of components on my desk waiting for me to pass them onto the end recipient.

Last week we were discussing the summer day out- us non-geek types were eager to go somewhere that was NOT Hampton Court palace, for again. Sick of everyone twittering away and not getting anywhere, I stood up and shouted:

"Why don't we all just go in a room and play with my bits"

*shocked silence*

I follow this up with "I mean my box, errr boxes, err box of bits, not my rude bits..." I practiced my blushing a lot that afternoon.

The next day I asked someone very senior if he needed any Handjobs, instead of Handdown jobs (this is a real thing). I like my job :)
(octopuspie, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:57, Reply)

Rubber, Johnny?
Myself and a friend walk into a classroom, where the teacher is already in conversation with a young female student.

Teacher looks up as we enter the room "Ah, I don't suppose you have rubber, Johnny?"

Johnny swiftly replies that he doesn't, then, winking at the teacher offers to leave them alone for a while.

Young female student looks suitably embarrassed.

Teacher (a giant of a man) blushes and bashfully kicks at the floor with his foot.

Myself and Johnny don't stop laughing for the duration of the lesson.
( Moey, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:57, Reply)

Accidental inneundo on IRC
This was on #ukscene (ircnet) about, oh, 9 years ago now. It was taken a bit far and yes, I did just walk away from my computer.

--- from an IRC log

Sneeka: hybrid: so er...where's this pic of you then?
Sneeka: or are you like, nightmare-inducing scary?
hybridx: hehe, I don't have one yet. I'm borrowing a digicam from work today, and gooing to make some.
DD-: gooing? oh no
DD-: not that sort of pic
Sneeka: hehehee
Sneeka: eww
Sneeka: never heard it called THAT before
DD-: hehehe
DD-: "Oh no, you've gooed in my mouth"
Sneeka: lol
Sneeka: "Hardcore XXX, Facial Goo shots"
Sneeka: nice
DD-: oooh yuck
DD-: "he goos up there, then licks it out"
Sneeka: heh
DD-: (SimonJay, 1999)
Sneeka: "ooh! oh! oh! i'm gonna..gonna...goo!!"
Sneeka: ok, enuff of this
DD-: "So to make the effect we cover him with goo" "ewwwww, really?"
Sneeka: heh
Sneeka: Noel Edmond's Goo Tank
*** Signoff: [dRiFT] (Connection reset by peer)
DD-: oh nooo
Sneeka: heh
Sneeka: jeez, talk about stretch a joke out :)
DD-: "Mummy, Mummy, I want some goooo" "You'll have to wait 'til your older son"
DD-: hehehe
DD-: yeah
DD-: anyway
DD-: anough
DD-: enough
DD-: too
Sneeka: heh
Sneeka: i think we've scared off hybrid

---
(scotsbloke, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:57, Reply)

Reeming
Just thought of another (not me this time). I have a friend who works in the wilds Aberdonia for the oil industry. Whilst in a meeting the were discussing purchasing a Rhinoceros Reemer (some sort of drilling doo-dah). When she (who was fairly new in her job) asked what this was for the response was a straight faced ‘It’s for reeming big holes’. Fnar!!
(Happycow - 2% pure beef, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:56, 2 replies)

Long ago...
Before anyone else (I hope), A beautiful young woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.
Ayethangyewverymuch.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:56, Reply)

for the last 3 years
i have lived with a guy called ass, i used to hang around with a guy called wood and i once met a guy called gash, i just need to find someone who had a name like knockers or jugs and i have the full set
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:55, 1 reply)

My ex was
telling me about some exams she was about to undertake, she suddenly blurted out "he thought i was so good he entered me straight away"

Dirty mind, dirty mind.
( Trollman, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:55, Reply)

My dad
My dad was recently helping out my sister (who owns a cat) in buying a new house. The two of them were being shown round a possible house by an estate agent.

My dad wasn’t certain if there was room for a pet so he asked:

“Is there enough room for the pussy?”

My sister just went bright red and couldn’t really speak to the estate agent without mumbling or wanting to be swallowed by the ground.

Length? The pussy has enough room for it.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:53, 3 replies)

I worked with a girl who told me this as gospel (obviously)
Her friend, who wasn't the brightest spark, got a bar job. On her first day, a whiskey-loving customer said to her 'Have you got a Black Bush, love?' So she smacked him round the face and got the sack...
(Hermioninny, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:52, 4 replies)

the last few years of my life have been a mine field of double entendres
a while ago i was watching this japanese film with my house mates and we were discussing the fact that most of the things we say or hear usually end up being turned into one dirty comment or another

then we went back to watching the film, just as an old man was asking a young girl her age, she said 5

we all simultaneously said "just the right age" (you know what for)
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:51, 1 reply)

Getting a taxi
back home with the Mrs the other week, she said that a couple of her friends had gone to the Zoo that day, because they were both keen naturists.

I hope nothing gotten bitten off at the Monkey enclosure.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:50, Reply)

Little Boy
.
Dressed as a cowboy goes up to the ice-cream lady.

"Can I have a cone with nuts on it please?

"Would you like your nuts crushed" asks the lady

"Would you like your tits blown off" says little boy....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:50, 2 replies)

A certain politics lecturer of mine has an unfortunate but extremely LOL name:
(but does this really count for the Q?)
Dr Mycock - sounds like a b3ta Img chalinj.
The possibilities are endless with that one!

"I liek Mycock"...
"Where's Mycock"...
"Mycck is quite intelligent"...
"Mycock has his own office"...
ETC
(Dan of the Crippled Nipples, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:49, 1 reply)

Leatherman, and the trouble he causes.
I am the proud owner of a Leatherman. Useful little gadget, probably saved me hundreds in tool purchases.

Anyway, one day I was telling fixit stories with mates (as one does) and at one point I said "...and then I took out my tool...".

At that point, the story was lost as everyone carked it laughing.

Apologies for length, I have a massive cock.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:48, 1 reply)

I worked with...
...a rather drab girl, who rarely seemed to be enthusiastic about anything. But one day during a very warm summer, she announced, 'I was really hot in bed last night'.
( thealternativefact, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:48, Reply)

Mmmmm! Salty!
Unfortunately I tend to do this quite a lot and am generally the last to realise until I look at the faces of surrounding peeps who are laughing so hard they wee a little. My more recent ones have included shouting 'I'm going up the chocolate aisle' across a busy supermarket to my bemused friend and 'I used to love young farmers balls' when discussing my teenage enjoyment of barn dances. My absolute best was more a slip of the tongue though (oooo er missus!) when I asked for some salty cock porn at the cinema.

Am I living in a carry on film?
Mnah!
(Happycow - 2% pure beef, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:47, 2 replies)

Hair
My boss walked into my office to hear me say:

"...wet and then it went really kinky. I was pulling on it to try and make it go down and I even had some gel I tried but if anything it just made it worse"

Would he believe I was talking about my hair going frizzy in the rain? Would he hell...
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:46, Reply)

group presentation at uni
we had to do group presentations for one of our modules, the group that was up was doing theirs on drugs. the person speaking was describing a specific drug and she mentioned it can be administered anally or orally

she then casually mentioned that she prefers oral, cue a room full of 20 year olds laughing their asses off for a good 5 minutes

the whole thing was meant to be peer assessed so i think she probably scored high for her presentation
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:46, 2 replies)

Instruction video
At Uni, I was at a user-interface-design lecture (actually, it was more a multimedia-presentation than a lecture). One of the things they showed when discussing the strategies for helping the user was an instructional video for some (IIRC) Sun workstation.

The video was done in the format of having a man and a woman (both Americans) sitting in comfy swivel-chairs having what can be best described as an ‘exaggerated conversation’ (a conversation with lots of “So, tell me” kind of stuff). Very cheesy!

So they were discussing the features of this workstation, and the man says “What a wonderful tool!” The lecture hall, already in giggles from the cheesiness of it all just explodes at this moment in great relief.

Length? Described by the video.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:44, Reply)

Also I'll never forget my
American friends face when I once innocently told her that I had "..Left my dad having a fag on the balcony...". Priceless.
( Smithlick is often seen at the bottom of threads, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:44, 2 replies)

Patrick Moore's seen it
Friend of mine relates a tale from an optical physics lesson - Teacher on Reflecting Telescopes.

"Mr Bomford's got one at home - but it's only 5 inches long. He once showed it to Patrick Moore."

"Patrick Moore said it was rubbish"
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:43, 1 reply)

Chatting with someone at work about a new document that'd just been sent round
Colleague wanted a hard copy (fnar), but didn't have access to the printer, so I helpfully suggested that I could go and crack one off for him.

Whoops.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:43, Reply)

In The Computer Industry.
.
"Legless? - You got a floppy?" yells workmate

"That's between me and the missus" - is the standard reply.

Cheers

That gag just works on so many levels...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:43, Reply)