squirrelysquirrel's immigration debacle...
...I migrated to Australia years ago and the anal immigration jobsworth spent ages poring over my visa trying to find something wrong.
Eventually he said "Well it seems to be in order - are you sure you don't have a criminal record?"
I replied "I'm so sorry, I didn't know you still needed one".

May be an untrue opportunistic attempt to tell joke...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 13 May 2005, 3:32, Reply)

Last Day At Morrison's
If it was your last day, it was pretty much a house rule that you were going to be tortured in some way before you were able to leave the company.

And so it was, at 6.59pm of my final day, when I was set upon by 12 colleagues, who shrinkwrapped me tightly from neck to ankles, dumped me in a plastic bath (the kind they wheel around the shop to collect cardboard), hosed me down with waters both very hot and incredibly cold, before pelting me with 20 trays of eggs they'd been "maturing" in a dank corner of the warehouse since they'd learnt some months earlier of the approx date I'd be leaving.

Deputy manager finds me locked in the chiller cabinet half an hour after I should've left. After I refused to name names, he charged me for all of the eggs, several rolls of cling film, and the cost of dry cleaning my uniform at the in-house Sketchleys. Gold standard dry cleaning, mind, which was an extra 2 quid.

Oh, and as I was too traumatised to function for several hours afterwards, I later learned that I'd been docked 2 hours wages as I'd failed to clock off for the night.

Apols for length. It's kind of like therapy.
(dandelionburdock, Fri 13 May 2005, 3:20, Reply)

Australian Immigration twunts
and all the bureaucracy that surrounds them...

basically went in to tell them that my uni course had changed from 3 semesters to 4, and my visa needed to be extended

Twunt 1: "No problem, just come in 3 weeks before it expires and we'll switch it over. You've done the right thing in telling us though. I'll make a note on your file."

Fast forward six months to January this year, and i'm getting my permission to work sorted out

Twunt 2: "Your course goes on longer than your visa is valid for."
Me: "Yes, I sorted this out at the time, there should be a note on my file"
Twunt 2: "Nope. You do realise you're going to need to apply for a new visa. You'll need another medical, another police record from the UK, all the original paperwork and we're going to fist you for around another five hundred dollars in all."

I hate the immigation people. I really do.
(squirrelysquirrel, Fri 13 May 2005, 2:14, Reply)

bloody barmaid
picture the scene. A 6 ft something 19 yr old me with manly stubble wanders up to the bar along with 2 mates (one of whom looks about 12). Barmaid takes one look at me and says "you got proof of age"...
so I produce an NUS card and my uni ID. Not gud enough. Apparently you can get those anywhere and she owned one when she was a foetus.
Much confusion later and im finally old enough to drink. I ordered a burger that made me puke so im convinced she spat in it several times then wiped her arse with the cheese.
(Cyberpope Oh my god!! Somebody put shit in my pants!!!!!!, Fri 13 May 2005, 0:38, Reply)

Swaying Hips, Sodden Landscaping
I like watching beery tarts get all twitchy and stomp off in a huff when my girlfriend informs them, and their weekend nightclub friends, that the convenience store restroom is NOT open at night. Tight pants, high heels, taut bladders, all heading off into the dark bushes beyond the lights.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 13 May 2005, 0:36, Reply)

bouncers, shoes
As an addition to the posts about bouncers and shoes, about 18 years ago, my mate was refused entry to our fave club ( The Banshee in Manchester, if anyone remembers it. ) because he _was_ wearing shoes, as opposed to the de-rigeur white basketball shoes or DM's which were required at the time.

Good club that. It's a f|_|cking coffee shop now.
(TwoFourAlpha, Thu 12 May 2005, 23:53, Reply)

Railways
Lots of posts about railway staff I see!

However, if you've ever been in contact with a certain jobsworth commuter(s), you'd see the reason why railway staff get very moody and evil.

Basically this guy delights on knocking on the window of my cab, and either comments on my driver performance that evening, or moans at me that he's '1 and a half minutes late exactly'.
One evening the twunt actually asked me how long I'd been a train driver, as the braking 'felt a little heavy'.

Next time he says anything, I'll make sure I trap him and his expensive leather briefcase (probably bought at Argos) in the doors and give him something to really 'comment' on.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 12 May 2005, 23:42, Reply)

Die ! Doorman! Die!
Left me wallet in a local pub like a boyfool, noticed about two boozers and 2 hours later. Cue me running around like a blueassed fly thinking fucksocks-fucksocks...

Finally got back to the first pub, the footy had started and their was a bit of a queue outside watched over a twatfaced bouncer.
Excuse me but.......
Me-Think ma wallet's inside can I just check at the bar, only be a sec mate?
TFB- No
Me-Why not?
TFB-Queue
Me- I'll just be a minute
TFB- No
Me-Can you go?
TFB- Not till me mate gets here
Me- Whens that then?
TFB- Dunno
Me-What can I do then?
TFB- Ring the bar (I'm standing outside)
Me-Alright then whats the number?
TFB- Dunno

Which left me to walk home only to cancel my cards and be pissed off. Relief and anger in equal measure when ringing the pub and finding some supernice person had handed my £4 BHS leather friend.

Ah but my rewengay was so sweet!
Oh no it wasn't I didn't do anything
Petty arsefaced shame to the gorrila race Jobsworth twat!

(First post)
Apologies for the length, it's not long enough I know, first attempt..
(munkykev, Thu 12 May 2005, 23:21, Reply)

Jobsworths ? we invented them !
I work for a council and, in line with our policy of cutting traffic pollution, we've now banned working from home. That's right, banned. Why ? Officially it's because they can't guarantee "health and safety" - like my house is a mass of unguarded whirling blades, rabid dogs and WMDs or something (unofficially, it's because it's popular so out it goes)
(Carpet Burns, Thu 12 May 2005, 23:21, Reply)

When they first brought in £10 fines for not having the right ticket on the underground
they sent out leaflets which explained the rules - and one rule I read said that if you have a travelcard, but go out of zone, you can pay the excess when you arrive.

So when I arrived out of zone, the more than rotund official said

Him - "£10 fine for you, sonny"
Me - "No, the rule is that you can pay the excess when you arrive"
Him - " I work for London Underground, not you, you'll do what I say"
Me - "Fetch the manager"
Him - "No, you'll pay the fine"
Me - "Fetch the manager" - fetches manager
Manager (even more rotund) - "You'll pay that £10 fine, and you shouldn't argue with officials"
Me - " Fetch a book of rules, I'll show you"
Manager - "We haven't got any, they're at another station"
Me - "Well, go and get one"
Manager sends spoddy trainee on tube to another station while we glare at each other, he returns with book of rules - I show him the rule that backs me up.
Manager - "Well, just this once, I've decided to let you off the fine and just pay the excess, but don't ever do that again"

Both go off (and have comfort chips I assume)
( MartinH, Thu 12 May 2005, 22:51, Reply)

Jobs worth
Coming back from a holiday in France, last year, we had to book in at Charles De Gaul Airport. I should have seen this as an omen as he was an anglophobe, especially as Churchill basically wouldn't trust the vain cheese eating surrender monkey as far as he could throw him.

Anyway, went to the desk early and asked if we could get 6 adjacent seats, so me, the missus, the 2 nippers and the inlaws could all sit in the same row.

"Mais oui!" our pox scarred, rim licking, checkin clerk replies, "it would be my pleasure"

The garlic eating, butt hole surfer only gave us 6 windows seats down the left hand side of the plane; 10a 11a 12a 13a 14a 15a!!!

Remind me why we liberated these cnuts?
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 12 May 2005, 22:36, Reply)

mahah ive found you
mr jums, you go to my school :)
(against_demons, Thu 12 May 2005, 22:21, Reply)

oh dr beeching...
Went to Manchester via York. The trains and tickets fucked up and we could only get returns from Manchester to York and not all the way home. We were assured there'd be no problem.

Get on the train home after the weekend. Ticket conductor comes up and demands we pay, despite us explaining the problem we had before and that they'd said it would be fine.

He insisted.

Gf was about a quid short, we had no way of paying (weekend of beer shrooms and general debauchery).

We were very nice about it, and asked Mr Conductor if he could write her a note thingy like they usually do.

Mr Conductor, instead of writing note thingy like they usually do, completely went off on a rant.

I tried to explain the situation re: the tickets and money again (very polite despite having had a skinful) and he told me, word for word 'You keep talking shit and we'll have that free pass off you. It's a privilege, not a right'.

Cunt.

He continued to shout, almost reducing my gf to tears, and then stormed off down the train, swearing he'd be back.

Fortunately, the next stop was home and we fucked off sharpish.

He was, to be honest, a bit of a twat. Probably the reason I now fear trains.
(sporky, Thu 12 May 2005, 22:16, Reply)

DTI
I was at the DTI (or, as is now, the Department for Productivity, Energy and Industry) a few weeks ago for a conference. I left the building to try and find a van that we were expecting to take back some demonstration equipment we had been displaying. I walked past the security hut. I then walked back, as the van had not come yet. The jobsworth inside the hut asked to see my badge. Fair-enough. Having seen it, he then refused me entry, for no clear reason. It took me about ten minutes to contact someone on the inside to get this pillock to let me back in. He saw me leave the building, I had my badge, but he wouldn't let me back in. Cranberry.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 12 May 2005, 21:57, Reply)

Pub bouncers
Normally the suggestion of going to a Wetherspoons pub fills me with dread but after 6 hours drinking comercial grade lager in Leeds I was up for anything,

Upon arriving at the aforesaid establishment (Stick or Twist at the back of the Merrion Centre) the only seats available (by this point verticality was a real challenge) were in the non-smoking area. Not-to-worry we thought, only 4 of us smoke, and we can at least see if we can sup a pint without a smoke for once!

So off we troop from the bar to sit down. Within 3 minutes the cubic doorman appeared and said "I'm sorry lads, I am going to have to ask you to leave".

Cue stunned silence followed by a "why?"

"'cos this is a non smoking area"

*looks round to see who had sparked up*

"But none of us are smoking" says I

He just pointed to my packet of snouts and said "but you might" before reaching out to 'encourage' me to leave.

Luckily I had the presence of mind to hurl myself backwards over two tables sending drinks flying and attract the attentions of the manageress who promptly came and sacked him on the spot, called the police and gave us £50 worth of Wetherspoon vouchers for our 'trouble'

When my mate (who was by now trying to chat up the manageress) said "Actually I don't think the bouncer touched him" she replied "SO! I've been looking for an excuse to fire the little jobsworth c**t!"

PS - I'm sorry but I am not apologising for length
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Thu 12 May 2005, 21:30, Reply)

Bus drivers = cunts
A few years ago a fuckin' great jobsworthy of a bus driver confiscated my student bus pass which I used to manipulate using real life cut and paste - I used to glue cut out numbers from previous vouchers onto an existing one to extend the expiry date. Ingenious you might say, and it served me well for my whole two years of tertiary college.

As I was boarding the vehicle and flashin' the pass, Eagle-Eye Eddie here spotted a seam and whipped it off me, pocketed it and informed me that a court might get involved. (This is Stagecoach as well, bunch of syphillitic flanges that they are...)

Cue six months later where I get a court summons to pay a £70 fine. I wasn't in the UK at the time, so I sent a postal plea, upon which they were supposed to get back to me about payment.

They never got back to me.

Quiver one, bad guys nil!
( Quiver Search for FATALISTS on Spotify, Amazon, Apple, &c, Thu 12 May 2005, 21:17, Reply)

Spare chairs
Not me, but my sister.

She worked for a drug addict rehab organisation. Many of the staff were ex-addicts, and apparently they are big into their structure and order and stuff. She had to fill in 4 forms if she wanted some pencils from the stationary cupboard.

One day, she was having a meeting, and needed some extra chairs. She went next door, to the empty meeting room, to fetch some. The woman who manages the meeting rooms stopped her in her tracks.

Woman: 'You can't have any of those chairs'.
Sister: 'But I need them for my meeting. Nobody's using this room for the rest of the day.'
Woman (consulting clipboard): 'It says here that those chairs have to be in that meeting room. So you can't have any. Sorry.'
(Pachey, Thu 12 May 2005, 21:05, Reply)

Pedometers
I used to work under the sign of the Golden Seagull. A while back, they made up a 'Go Active' meal - a salad, a drink and a free pedometer. We were only allowed to give out pedometers with these meals - or they had to pay 99p for one.

Enter the chav. A tall, well-built one, skinhead, bad teeth, dripping gold and a foul attitude. Ordered the usual McGreaseburgers, then demanded a pedometer. I told him he couldn't have one, but he could buy one separately for 99p. He progresively gets louder and arsier, swearing at me and generally making as much fuss as is humanly possible, and demanding to see a manager. Who I dutifully called over, and she told him he couldn't have a pedometer either. Frustrated he refused to take his Greaseburgers and yelled "I'm going to KFC where they give you free stuff when you ask for it!" I calmly told him to have a nice day, as per my training. Lovely.
(sanity challenged, Thu 12 May 2005, 21:05, Reply)

I interview lots of lovely people
tell them that they have done wonderfully, give them lots of positive nonverbals etc,enthuse in them how wonderful an applicant they sound....then send them out a fuck off letter. Utter Bliss
(shitstirrer, Thu 12 May 2005, 20:59, Reply)

Yet More Boarding School Antics
As you all know, I go to a boarding school with 'How can yye have any pudding if ye don't eat yer meat?', herein known as Jamie, as that is him name. One of our teachers, ironically called Mr. Law, does things by the book. No matter what the offense, he would have a little green notebook in which he would write our names; normally we took the piss so much that nothing more would come of it.

Once, he did back it up, but instead of a conventional detention, he scheduled a 'meeting' in his classroom. The breaktime was 25 minutes long, I had trekked back from the science block 1/2 mile away. And I needed to get ready for the next lessons. And I was hungry. I bunked, got given a proper detention with the title 'The Importance of Keeping Appointments.' Needless to say, I took the piss. The teacher on detention duty was creasing, but Law failed to get it. :)

My crowning glory was organising a lie-down protest: we all got our duvets and lay down in the corridor at bed-time. He told us to move. We didn't. Out came the green book. We laughed. He tried to climb over. Up came our legs. It was glorious; eventually he went and got the housemaster. As soon as we saw her, we calmly got up and left.

Us one, jobsworths nil.
(Mr_Jums, Thu 12 May 2005, 20:42, Reply)

Free money
i dont really understand what were being asked for in this post, so ill make this at the risk of sounding like a total tard.

i came back from a gap year last year, and so before starting uni i decided to leech off all you hard working tax payers and sign on the doll (or is it the dool?? -anyone speaking persian will understand that one, if not well tough)

anyway, i spent my hard earned money on stuff i dont need.

the pay was shit, but hey, the hours are great!

u love my length just the way it is. i apologise for nothing - cos u LOVE IT

[EDIT- that lumberjack photo is just downright nasty. i bet hes never cut down a tree in his life.





Bet he'd suck the hell out of a cock though]
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Thu 12 May 2005, 20:22, Reply)

well, theres this twunt in halls and i shopped a "business card" for him
and posted it on B3ta



its his own fault, he makes me squirm and he's ginger

*be gentle first post*
(chunkygrapes, Thu 12 May 2005, 20:07, Reply)

jobsworth copper
I got a letter from the crown prosecution service the other day. After carefull consideration, they have decided not to prosecute me over a "dangerous driving" offence I committed a while back. Presumeably due to them realising what a fuucking joke the whole case was.
I really hope the jobsworth coppers got an earfull for wasting time and resources for it, but I would bet on it

A friend called me a while back, her battery was flat and the car needed jump-started. I went out to help her.
Its hard to explain by text so look at the hastily-drawn diagram here...

www.asvq82.dsl.pipex.com/diag.JPG

Hers was car B, parked at the side of a one-way street. I was in car A. The wee arrows on the cars show which way they were facing.

Half-way through getting her car started, a police car pulled up and things went down-hill from there. They reckoned they were going to charge me with dangerous driving. Bear in mind they never saw me sitting in the car at any point so i wasnt even "driving" at the time. They said I had driven the wrong way up a one-way street.
Technically speaking I am guilty, As you see from the diagram, I parked on the corner with the car facing into the street. The only other way I could have started her car was to go round the one-way system and park next to her, which would have blocked the road totally. Once the car was started I was just going to turn accross the mouth of the junction and carry on along the street I had arrived by. The position I stopped in wasnt even 1 car length into the street. The coppers wouldnt listen to reason though. I had driven up the street and that was that.
They took my details, breathalysed me, and told me I would hear about the charge in due course.
Surely if it was dangerous driving, I should have been arrested at the scene?
anyway, at least someone at the CPS has some common sence and threw this out before it got to court.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 12 May 2005, 19:59, Reply)

I was a music retail jobsworth...
Purely because I could get away with talking to chav-y little twats like this:

chav: Can I get a refund on this please (insert random CD)
me: May I enquire as to why?
chav: I don't like it.
me: You really shouldn't have bought it then.

Now I work in an office and thank the lord that I no longer have to tolerate dimwitted fucking idiots trying to return crappy R&B compilations all day long.
(mcnelson, Thu 12 May 2005, 19:54, Reply)

Anti-Jobsworth
Quite the opposite...

Used to work in retail in a popular GAME shop (no clues at all)...

One day my boss had annoyed me and 'told me to get my act together'...

So I gave three games to my mate when my boss was upstairs... He copied em for me and all was well... Never got caught either.

But if i had been caught it would have been due to pesky kids and a talking drug-addicted dog...

Need i go on? (I HAVE LOTS!!!!!)

--------------------------------

Working in a video store (not a popular one though), I often gave away video's and dvd's (rental) in exchange for beers, Pizza's and drugs. Never got caught either...

-------------------------------

Mentioned it before but...

Working in a popular GAME!!!!! store... we had a tit of a hitler who would do his rounds on the stock checking days and made sure everyone had an amazingly awful day.
He practicaly ordered me to make him a brew... so i did. I rubbed the underside of my helmet around his cup and gobbed in it...

Never got caught!

----------------------
Also in the popular GAME store we would have a weekly meeting to discuss important changes in the workplace. Every week it would be the same old shite about motivation, customer service and loyalty and at the end we would be asked if we had any questions... This meeting would happen even if nothing at all had changed in work... Nothing.... This went on for about six months... But they did try and spice it up with a bit of 'FUN'... They made us all rearrange bits of words and we had to make a phrase from them... It turned out the phrase was just the company motto (OUR CUSTOMERS ARE OUR LIFEBLOOD BLAH BLAH BLAH)....

I walked out two weeks ago and have now enjoyed the free life with no money! The feeling of telling the boss that the job is shite and i'm never coming back and watching his face drop is better than sex.

*Massive apologies for length and everything else. Ever.
(Kayozz, Thu 12 May 2005, 19:14, Reply)

M & S
I did some obligatory student Christmas temping a while ago at the inimitable Marks & Spencer. One of the section managers was a mini-Hitler, she even had the tache. From 7 in the morning til whatever time she went on her high-horse home the woman carried a clipboard around like it was necessary, interrupted my often nice conversations with customers at the till with a less than subtle "mention the &more card!" and my entire time spent slogging my arse off there she called me "E Kane." I dared mention to her I actually preferred being called Emma and got a lecture about respecting authority. On my last day she happened to be showing pictures of her baby daughter to anyone who'd look and took the opportunity to tell her that her sprog looked a bit like the 'oi Churchill' dog. It felt good.
( Fictional Emma, Thu 12 May 2005, 19:07, Reply)

Uni Library
My university library is filled with nazi jobsworths..especially the security staff.

I've been going there for 3 years, and when I forget my ID i'm rejected, even though I stand out as I'm practically the only white guy on my campus.

Then they give you bollocks about plugging your laptop into the power supply (some crap about them not being insured).

Work's no better, (a manager who'll check store videos of her days off to make sure no-one went on a fag breaks)

Cunts
(b3tauser4, Thu 12 May 2005, 19:07, Reply)

Falkland Islands Coin
I knew it would go badly when my mum handed me a pound coin for bus fare and it was a Falkland Islands commemrative one. She hadn't bought it, it had just come her way via circulation. So I get on the bus (Damn citi bus drivers charge 95p instead of 85p now for a child single) and I give the bloke the coin. He gives me my change and a ticket, sorted. 3 steps later I hear "excuse me mate, what's this?", I turn around with a look of horror as he brandishes the coin.

Me: That is a pound coin
Him: No it's not, it's foreign money
Me: Nope, it's a falklands commemerative one
Him: I can't take it
Me: It's got the queens head on, it's legal tender
Him: Then take it to the bank then
Me: I will then

He hands me back the coin, but neglects to take another from me. So I am 5p and one bus ride richer!
(Fraser -Click for the shrine, and try to beat it!, Thu 12 May 2005, 18:57, Reply)