Ever seen "A Christmas Story"?
Remember how the neighbor's dogs burst into the house and made off with the turkey, resulting in the family going to a Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner?

Well, that's about as closely as I can tie this in to the topic at hand. Deal with it.

So some friends of mine and I went to get food one night. We ended up at a Chinese restaurant we'd never been in before, more out of a spirit of exploration than anything else. We passed through the elaborately carved crimson doors into the dim interior, where we found one of the homeliest women I've ever seen at the desk. The owner's wife perhaps? Anyway, she shuffled through the restaurant and led us to a table, then stumped her way back to the front desk.

Our waitress was, if anything, even more unfortunate looking. She seemed pleasant enough, but the protruding teeth and thick lips were more than a little off-putting. She took our drink orders and scurried off, and we all looked at each other with the same aghast expression.

She returned with our drinks. They were all served in what looked like tiki statues, grotesquely leering faces on each one. Oh well, I thought, I guess it goes with the decor, kinda. The gin and tonic tasted good anyway.

The food was actually quite good, and we enjoyed our meal. I don't know if it was the next round of drinks that did it, but the waitress's face was a bit less shocking now. Still unattractive, of course, but at least we stopped flinching when she came close.

We had another round after the dishes had been cleared, and were all quite mellow by now. Not a bad little restaurant overall. No one else seemed to be dining in, though- everyone seemed to be getting their dinner as take-away. The place was pretty empty, aside from us. I thought this was a little odd, but what the hell- the food had been good enough, certainly.

It was on our next round that I noticed something. My lips felt... wrong, somehow. Was the booze making my face numb? No, not really- I just felt somewhat odd. I raised my fingers to my face. What the hell? My lips were swollen, and my nose seemed a lot wider and flatter than normal. I could feel my eyes swelling shut somewhat. I turned to Dave and saw that his face was also undergoing a strange transformation. We both looked at Roger and Bill- they looked panicked as they saw our faces, but theirs were distorting as well.

The waitress appeared at our table. "Would you like anything else tonight?" she asked, a slight smile on her twisted features.

"What the hell did you put in our food?" Roger yelled. "Are we having some sort of allergic reaction?"

"Oh no, sir. There is nothing wrong with the food. But did you notice the carvings on the door on the way in? I suppose you couldn't read them. They say to be careful not to overindulge. You are what you eat, after all. So if you drink too much you begin to resemble your glass." And she gestured to the tiki glasses on the table. "But don't worry, it wears off after a while." And she favored us with a gap-toothed grin.

We paid our bill and stumbled out of the restaurant, all going our separate ways in shame, hiding our distorted and swollen faces as we went. Good god, what a horrible experience! No wonder people got their food as carry out!

I glanced back, and suddenly I read the name of the restaurant over the door, written in bright neon: Wi Ming.

I can't say that I wasn't warned, anyway...

Yes, it's a load of bollocks. But so is this whole QOTW anyway.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:17, 12 replies)

Yes
but its a good load of old bollocks. gets my *click*
( SpankyHanky, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:26, closed)

*shakes fist at loon*...
'load of old bollocks'? Your stories should be 100% truth...just like my last post...

what?

Awesomely written, sir...but actually, I'm still shaking my fist at you for mentioning Chinese food....and where I live, my local takeout place closes today to give the staff time to enjoy all the money that I gave them the previous weekend.

In my house, today is know as 'Terrible Chinese-less Tuesday'

If anyone needs me, I will be rocking back and forth in a darkened room waiting for Wednesday @ 5pm.

*ºÜ¶àµã»÷*

^^This was meant to be chinese writing for 'clicks hard'...hey ho.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:32, closed)

Why?
Have you been banned from there on Tuesdays? Were they afraid you'd start to resemble beef with broccoli?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:39, closed)

mmmm....beef with broccoli.....*salivates*

no. they just shut. the cunts.

Cos they have the power, and I have the insatiable addiction to their MSG-laden goodness.

I think I will sit outside there tonight in a candlelit vigil until they open again.


...or just go to the chippy
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:44, closed)

You don't have a back-up place?
I have four of them that deliver to my area! Not to mention pizza...

I need never cook if I wish!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:48, closed)

You've just reminded me...
A new place has just opened down the road. It used to be a kebab place before it was shut by the board of health for rats / cockroaches / cooking dogs* etc...

I might give it a bash. What's the worst that could happen?

...

*starts pro-actively writing next 'disastrous, calamity-filled, shit-related post*

*EDIT - the dogs were cooked, they weren't doing the cooking. Then again...that would explain a whole lot.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:52, closed)

I'm more of a
..beef curtains type of guy.

Failing that, chicken chow mein or beef with onion will do nicely.

Or both... if i'm in 'fat bastard mode'

"aye, prawn crackers as well please"

There is a takeaway up my way claims to use no MSG whatsoever, never been mindye.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:53, closed)

'fat bastard mode'...?

What you described above would just about do me as a starter.

/is properly fat bastard.

and no MSG? that's the best bit! I want to be nailed inside a barrel of the stuff and eat my way out with a teaspoon.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 31 Mar 2009, 16:01, closed)

177.....MSG Enema - Delicious liquid MSG injected straight up arsehole (with or without special sauce) - £29.50
..Im sure this would go down well, or up, as the case may be.

yes, i could wolf the chow mein and beef with onions, sure. But i would be spherical by the end. the chow mein in my local is pretty substantial.

mmmmm, lovely chicken dripping with noodles and unidentified sauce, mmmmmmmm

So then Pooflake, what would a 'fat bastard mode' order look like for you. Come on now, don't hold back, let the grease flow!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 16:38, closed)

Oh, I dunno...*looks sheepish*...

How about:

Spare Ribs
House special Chow Mein
Portion of Rice
Full Portion Of chips
Prawn Crackers
Portion Of Curry Sauce.
Sweet & Sour Chicken Balls

Then I'd have to think about what to have for a main course!

Nah, seriously...that is my standard order for the whole family.

...yet the present Mrs PF and both flakelets are all very slim...and I look like a genetic experiment involving the unholy merging of a wild hippo and the Goodyear Airship.

Guess that explains how the portions are dished out?


nom nom nom
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 9:56, closed)

nom indeed
so the flakelets get a grain of rice for every year they have been alive..

a chicken ball between them..

and the bones from the ribs.

and even then you are scoping if they have any left overs.

My kids don't actually like chinese to be honest. I have found this out time after time, after ordering a seizure sized order and having to wade through it myself

"we told you last time we don't like noodles,or spring rolls or that beef stuff or that chicken stuff"

"well, go and make some toast then, i'll take care of all this, don't worry"

A good family portion is to get a tandoori mix from the indian takeaway...amazing stuff...a big bag of various flesh products, rice, naan, salad, curry sauce...all for a tenner. It can feed all four of us. Although i have been known to tackle a whole one to myself, and thoroughly regret later.




sort of
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 14:34, closed)

The Chinese round here....
Tend to be buffet places. So none of the fun of dozens of metal/plastic containers. The Americans also seem to be ignorant of prawn crackers. :(
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 16:52, closed)