As morning arrived, the birds began to tweet their delicate choral chime of nature’s alarm call…with the sun breaking the morning mist as it rose above the horizon…and over the still twitching corpse of last week’s QotW…

Holmes skulked over the body thoughtfully. “This is a most perplexing mystery…” He proclaimed “Henceforth we shall call it:

‘The case of the QotW that would not die’”

“What the shuddering fuck Dickens do you suppose has gone awry?” Questioned Dr Watson, sorrowfully eyeing up the munting mound of whinges, whines and gripes with the occasional post thrown in.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions Watson” continued Holmes as he prodded the body with his pipe: “But I must say, my suspicions have certainly been aroused…

“It’s not the only thing” whispered Watson with a ‘sigh’ and his hands in his pockets, rummaging frantically and gurning into space.

“Quiet, Watson you plebite lickspittle” spat Holmes “We need to concentrate if we’re going to crack this case”

“Sorry Holmes, carry on” Said Watson, (who then proceeded to have a sly giggle at the word ‘crack’)

“Perhaps there was another Fire, eh Holmes?” questioned Watson helpfully.

“Shove a fucking sock it in, flange cake” spat Holmes, The whole site would be down.”

“Oh…yes…of course…sorry Holmes….I really am a colossal twat” muttered Watson apologetically. “So why is the QotW in this zombie-fied state? Why are they stretching it out? I mean it was shite from day one. Are the Mods just a bunch of lazy fuckers? Have they cocked off on holiday or something?”

“We must examine the evidence that is all around us” sighed Holmes masterfully as he pulled his Deerstalker hat firmly down on his head. “Firstly, notice here on the ‘Home’ page Watson, that there are but a paltry 300-odd entries for this QotW, one of the lowest ever in participation stakes”

“Bollocking baby gravy, you’re right!” enthused Watson, his raging erection now difficult to disguise.

“When compared to previous weeks, only 12 pages of answers are meagre pickings indeed (especially considering that at least half of those pages are filled with whinges about the QotW). Perhaps there is a ‘minimum level’ of answers that must be fulfilled before it can proceed”.

“Jellified jizz buckets, Holmes!” Exclaimed Watson “I’ll get gazzing everybody and tell them to start posting anything…any old wank, just to tip the number over and put this nightmare behind us!”

“Not so fast, cumsponge” Holmes said bluntly, before whipping out his massive, purple…magnifying glass, and carefully inspecting last week’s newsletter.

”Hmm interesting” Holmes continued: “Look here, Watson. Unless I’m very much mistaken, this line here appears to be a request for people to stop whining like little bitches about the recent shite QotWs…Do you see what’s coming Watson?”

“Erm…Me?....”.*Mmmmf….Nnnnnnnng* drooled Watson as he spaffs over that ‘cape’-thing that Holmes has wrapped round his coat.

”Oh dear god!” said Holmes as he hands tissues to Watson. “Unless I’m very much mistaken, I do believe they’re trying to teach us a lesson”

“Surely not!” Queried Watson in a state of disbelief: “Surely they couldn’t be that petty – that small minded…as to try and punish us decent, donating site-members for using our basic human right to complain, and not automatically bowing down and praising them unconditionally…despite their piss poor run of questions and a blatant, blind indifference to our suggestions? Besides….it just wouldn’t be right….to be so ‘dismissive’…to make everybody suffer for what has basically been their mistakes in the first place…would it?”

“Hmm” said Holmes scratching his head. “I guess you’re right….Nobody could be that ‘power mad’…They must just be a bunch of lazy cunts. Case closed. and stop calling me 'Shirley'”

"You've done it again Holmes", said Watson with a perverse gleam in his eye.

…And with that, Holmes took Watson by the hand and led him through the mist, back to 221b Baker street, where he proceeded to buttfuck him with such a verve and frenzy that it made Watson’s ears go ‘Pop’ and he couldn’t walk for 5 days…

(by which time the QotW was still.fucking.going).


Disclaimer – As tempting as it was to be ‘Sherlock Pooflake’ and involve a cast of thousands, I didn’t want to go there – If you have any complaints about not getting a mention, please send them with £5 in a clearly marked stamped addressed envelope to:

’Pooflake couldn’t give a fuck, but thanks for the cash’

P.O. Box 69,

Coventry, England.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:37, 9 replies)

Thanks for cheering up my Friday morning.
Lovely : )

The cheque is in the post.
( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:40, closed)

I would have preferred cheering up your Friday...

With a good, hard, deep...

...new post for the NEW QotW.

But we can't have everything, can we kitten?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:51, closed)

Now that's completely unbelievable
They don't have post boxes in Coventry. They were all burned in the great relegation riots when people took to the street trying to hunt down Gordon Strachan.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:41, closed)

You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch you out, Spanks...

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to matter what time we get up...this QotW will still be dragging lifelessly on...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:44, closed)

"Watson!" exclaimed Holmes
"There is no plausible explaination for this QOTW being so fucking dire!"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:43, closed)

"Lemonentry my dear Watson" spoke Holmes...

"We may have overlooked another possibility...that the Mods are distressed because the 'Best' page probably contains more posts slagging off the crap QotW than actual genuine posts...and so are stringing it out in the vain hope of some relevant posts getting clickage."

Watson: "Good gracious, Holmes! - Couldn't they just rig the vote?"

Holmes: "You'd think so, wouldn't you?" *rolls eyes*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:54, closed)

By Jove Pooflake
...you couldn't possibly be right for once could you??
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:43, closed)

Me...?

Nah.

Edit: I'm now pissed off for not thinking to put 'By Jove' in my post.

fucksocks
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 9:44, closed)

with logic like that
Can I sniff you're bike-seat, you Sherlockian cad?
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:00, closed)