I've had an arch-nemesis since school
He describes himself as a Chaos Magician and is obsessed with Aleister Crowley, Black Magick (the 'k' is extra-important, of course) and martial arts of varying deadliness. He's written a book about martial arts and meditation and has a collection of knives and blades - he used to write the names of his enemies on his sword with Tipp-ex, it now has so many names on it that he could probably use it as a cudgel. Mine's been on there a few times. Since discovering Derek and Clive he sends me abusive text messages that begin and end with "you cunt", usually enquiring after my girlfriend's bra size.

The amount of stories he's supplied me with over the years could fill QOTW by themselves - e.g. Out of his mind on saké he wrestled a deer to the ground in a Japanese safari park, left the country in shame and then spent a week hiding out in Leeds to prevent anyone finding out - and he's always been good value for money, going so far as to email me lurid descriptions of his murder/rape/suicide fantasies that made me genuinely wonder whether I should report him to the authorities.

The thing is, despite all the above, we've remained quite good pals over the years and still meet up for a drink every now and then to discuss how our nemesiship is going. He's probably the best arch-nemesis anyone could ever have, so if he is reading this, cheers fella :)
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 4 May 2010, 12:23, Reply)