My charming wife
It's not 'Tubberware', for the love of God, it's 'Tupperware'. TUPPERWARE.

Similarly, you do not get sued for 'liable', either.

Seventeen years, and I've finally said it.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 6 May 2008, 20:07, 3 replies)

And another thing...
..that really grates my carrot are public servants (Chief Constables, MPs, Civil Servants etc) who act like total twatbagders, and are then allowed to retire on a fat pensions (sometimes times with "Golden Goodbyes") paid out of MY FUCKING TAXES rather than being kicked out on their ear; as should happen.

Utter fucking cunts.
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Tue 6 May 2008, 20:06, Reply)

My Rant
In the past quarter century, we exposed biases against other races and called it racism, and we exposed biases against women and called it sexism. Biases against men we call humour.
(greggen, Tue 6 May 2008, 20:06, 3 replies)

Sports on the news
We have sports channels nowerdays so why not put all the sports news on them. I don't want to see how some incoherent cliche puts Y object into X goal. The news is there to inform people on important current events, and ok, spot is a current event but it isn't important. What is important is what's changing the world and I don't think sport has ever done that. No, wait. Rioting that's what.
(WiggZ, Tue 6 May 2008, 20:03, Reply)

People who piss and whinge about chavs
and include 'I wish they'd stop labelling people!' as part of their argument.
Do you people actually listen to yourselves?
(and now for someone completely different, Tue 6 May 2008, 20:02, 2 replies)

I can't believe I forgot about...
...the fucking annoying ice cream van that drives around my local area all evening playing an incredibly out-of-tune "It's A Small World After All".

You can see his motive on a sunny day like today, BUT HE'S BEEN COMING EVERY DAY SINCE FEBRUARY (and won't stop until November)... Twatfish.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:54, 5 replies)

Little Girls
Not little girls in themselves, although admittedly I do try and have as little to do with as possible, but when people refer to little girls as princesses.

They are not princesses.

First off, most princesses don't dress in ball-gowns and sparkly wings. Also, no pink. They wear tweed and flat shoes and wave at people, with a carefully-neutral expression on their faces. They also tend to be dignified - they are seldom seen showing their knickers to the world because they couldn't repress the urge to do a cartwheel.

Similarly, behaving in a certain way does not make you a princess. Wear tweed and wave all you want, unless you're born or married into someone's family who was just that bit better at mass murder several centuries ago, you're just a bit odd. Charming little girl behaviour just doesn't cut it.

Also, being a little girl immediately make you an evil and manipulative whatname anyway, so calling them a princess is giving off entirely the wrong message, as well as being unjustified. It'll only encourage them.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:50, 2 replies)

Cats and Horses and Dust...oh my
Following on from the hiccups and wind answers down there.

Sneezing. I have horrible allergies, I am currently allergic to: Dust, dust mites, tree pollen, grass pollen, pollen pollen, cats, horses, some breeds of dogs, hamsters, various glues, some spores, certain washing powders, those plug in air fresheners, incense, feathers...you get the idea.

Anyway, when I sneeze I don't just do a couple of big A-A-ATCHOOO's. I do about ten litle "Tish-tish-tish". Not a problem around family and friends who know that *this may last a while* but very embarrassing in public. I have been asked countless times if I'm ok, and once someone said "You sneeze like a bunny" (I resisted the urge to say "I fuck like one too")

Sneezing is said to be similar to the feeling of orgasm. If so I am truly blessed.

*tish-tish-tish*
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:42, 3 replies)

Rant part 3.
Advert Breaks
Not only are they getting longer, louder and more frequent but the editing chimps on British Tv have got into the habit of cutting to a break when a character is in the middle of a bastard sentence.
Lazy Journalists.
Just once I'd like to see a football game between England and Germany not hyped up with endless dreck about '66. While we are at it, if you have to do something about sci-fi then put down the bag of cliches about anoraks and "Beam me up Scotty" and Klingons and come up with something different.
Mariah Carey Syndrome.
Sing the song, dammit. We don't need to hear you wailing and squeaking over the top of the chorus. (Actually, I never need to hear anything by Carey, Beyonce or Leona Lewis ever again but hopefully you get the point)
Magazine Snot.
I don't know what the technical term is but it's that horrible gum that attaches CDs to the front of magazines. If you are lucky then you can remove it without tearing half the cover off, the residue never quite leaves the back of the CD so it glues itself to anything and everything and getting it off your fingers involves way too much effort.
Women.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, can I just point something out to you? Every now and again I will want do something that I enjoy. Watch a tv programme, visit a shop, maybe even break out the playstation. I am actually allowed to do things like this from time to time even if you can't see the point yourself. So I would appreciate it if you don't sulk and I would really appreciate it if you don't stand there making snide comments. I have just spent three hours trailing around behind you looking at fucking cushions so I reckon I should be allowed to look at Cds for ten minutes without you rolling your fucking eyes.

And lastly, and probably a tad pedantic.. Don't call me a Northerner. I am from Staffordshire. I am a Midlander. And no, I am not a Brummie either.
(Big D, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:59, 10 replies)

The thing I find most annoying about my nice but bumbling fool of a tutor
is that he NEARLY has a Zappa tache + soul patch, but not quite. If he just let it grow a wee bit more and trimmed it appropriately, it would be perfect. But he doesn't. He could so easily have a Zappa face-do but does not take up this easy and wonderful opportunity. ARGH.
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:46, 1 reply)

Ugly girls
Make me impotent with rage - mostly just impotent, to be honest...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:38, Reply)

People who take the piss quite cruelly out of some chap simply for being how they were born or look, then insist they're not prejudiced 'cos they are 'an equal opportunities piss taker, I do it with 'em all no matter what they are!'
Oh really? So you do it with your own friends for being straight white Daily Mail reading knuckle draggers do you then? Or the vast majority of the C of E Britishers you would be happy to shake hands with in the pub? And you'd be happy for these folks you mistreat and withhold basic respect for to do the same for you and your kind I suppose?

No?

Only any minority just for being different to the majority, then, the very definition of prejudice, meaning you're evidently incapable of rational thought on so many levels it would be funny if it wasn't so frightening that you truly believe what you said made any kind of sense at all.

Cock.
( ..wil, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:36, Reply)

Hiccups
.
All my life I've been prone to bouts of hiccups, usually at inconvenient moments. The best way to stop them, for me anyway, is to inflate my lungs to full capacity and crunch myself into a little ball, thus preventing the diaphragm from doing its little spazzy dance.

One of my colleagues, a big believer in "old wives' tales" will ask, every single time, without fail,

"Ooooh hiccups, who's been eating sugar, then?"

In the kind of tone one uses to the very young and/or the very stupid.

Hiccups are random muscle spasms in the diaphragm, they're not caused by eating sugar. I don't eat sugar (well, that is to say I don't eat it off a spoon, I'm well aware that many foods contain sugars, naturally or otherwise - before the pedants point it out). In fact I don't even take sugar in tea or coffee.

Which I tell her, every single bloody time. Does she listen? Does she buggery fuck!

I keep meaning to pick up some sugar sachets from our canteen with the intention of waiting until the next incident and then removing them from my drawer and putting them in the bin with a mournful expression.

Anyone got any better ideas? Bear in mind that company policy expressly forbids the use of violence. If I'm going to get sacked, I'd rather it was for belting someone more important.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 6 May 2008, 18:25, 9 replies)

Wind
Don't you just hate it when you've got a hot date or an important meeting but you're also suffering from the largest massing of wind since the G8 summit.

It doesn't seem to go away even when you attempt to discretely pop a little gas out because your stomach knows it really needs to simply let fly with a massive ripping fart and you can't do that when you've got Someone Very Important with you.

Even worse when it's with a new squeeze and you're trying to impress them with your bedroom skills and prowess, yet you know that if they place the slightest amount of pressure upon your belly you could well set off the next Krakatoa.

So there you are, lying in bed, having managed to control your blasting bottom.

Phew...now if I can just hold on until he's fallen asleep and then lie on my side away from him then he'll never know......

There you are, waiting for him to nod off...your legs are entwined with his and his breathing is slowing to a contented purr....

You move your legs a little and

PARPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right on his leg.

The percussion *must* have woken him up. Bugger.

"Oh! Oh dear! Oh, I'm so sorry"

And then he wakes up.

What woke him? Your giant sheet ripping fart? Nope, your apology.

Fortunately as a girly it does smell of either roses or lavender, so all is not lost.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:25, 12 replies)

Being unpaid tech support for people I don't even know
Now most people who know me know I'm a pretty IT-literate guy. I've worked for several big names in IT, and at the moment I run all the IT for my company (there's only 5 of us), everything from fixing recalcitrant laptops to database maintenance, and, of course, helping my colleagues out when they have trouble.

Now even though my colleagues can be annoying (especially my boss, who has a degree in computer science but is incapable of remembering his network password), I don't mind fixing stuff for them because it's in my job description and I'm paid to do it.

However, word has got round that I'm some kind of computer guru (not really), and also that I'll fix any kind of computer problem, no matter how trivial (or impossible) over the phone any time of the day or night at the drop of a hat. I foolishly fixed a few things without complaint, and now people take this for granted.

My brother, for instance, who is by no means a noob:

Him: I got a new anti-virus program.
Me: Good for you.
Him: How do I install it?
Me: My guess would be to stick the CD in the drive and press 'install'.
Him: Can you do it?
Me: I'M NOT DRIVING ALL THE WAY FROM LONDON TO LEICESTER TO PRESS 'OK' FOR YOU YOU LAZY CUNTWHISTLE!
Him: There's no need to be angry...

My mother is the worst. She's for more IT-savvy than most 56-year-olds, but that just means that she can make a bigger mess of things than someone who hasn't even *heard* of the Windows registry. Worse still, she's been transferring these "skills" to her friends. When they break something, they call my mum. And then my mum calls me.

Picture the scene. It's 9pm after the work day from hell. I only just got in after spending all day dealing with massive IT issues (it's not even the main part of my job desc), email server breakdown, Skype outage, dead wireless router, and I'm kicking back with a beer, ready to relax, when the phone rings:

Mum: Hello Jim, I'm at [old crone]'s house and we're having trouble with her email.
Me: Aaaaaargh!!

Anyway, it turns out the old crumbly's still on dialup and someone's sent her a 10Mb attachment that is crashing her modem drivers when it tries to download.

Me: Does she have webmail? She could delete the message from there.
[pause]
Mum: What's webmail?
Me: Aaaaargh!

[explanation of what webmail is]

Mum: Could you set it up for her?
Me: No. She'll have to call her ISP.
Mum: What's an ISP?

[explanation of what an ISP is. We establish she's with BT.]

Mum: Can you call them for her?
Me: No! I'm not impersonating an old woman over the phone for something I have nothing to do with.
Mum: But she's 83. She doesn't know her account number or anything.
Me: How am I supposed to help with that?
Mum: Why are you being so difficult?
Me [losing it] BECAUSE I'VE BEEN FIXING COMPUTERS ALL BLOODY DAY AND NEARLY DIED OF STRESS! I'M NOT BEING PAID AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS WOMAN! YOU INTERRUPTED THE ONE HOUR OF FREE TIME I'M GOING TO GET TODAY, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN SAY PLEASE OR THANK YOU AT ANY POINT! THE AMOUNT OF TECH SUPPORT I JUST GAVE YOU WOULD HAVE COST YOU TWENTY QUID IF YOU DID IT OVER THE PHONE! IF SHE CAN'T HANDLE CALLING BT MAYBE SHE SHOULDN'T OWN A COMPUTER!
Mum: Oh.

The limit was reached last month, when I had to fix a corrupted video driver on a PC belonging to Axewoman's aunt:

Who lives in Germany.
Who barely speaks English.
Whose computer has Windows ME.
Installed in German.

Three hours. Three precious hours of my life, translating, trying to remember what the menus in Windows ME look like then what they might say in German, a language I can barely order a beer in. To a woman in her 60's who has trouble holding the mouse the right way up. Totally unpaid, without any thanks.

Well, here's a message to you, you cunts. I'm charging five pounds an hour for tech support for members of my immediate family, ten pounds an hour for acquaintances, and fifteen pounds an hour to help people I don't know. Plus an extra flat fee of £10 as a "lazy tax" if it's something they could have easily fixed themselves. That'll make them think twice before trying to get hardware/software support for free just because they happen to know me.

But here's some tech advice I am prepared to give out for free:
1 - try rebooting it.
2 - if that doesn't work, shove it up your arse.
(Axeman Jim, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:25, 6 replies)

spelling
People that cant spell the word lose.

Its not loose!!!!!
(e_noir, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:23, 9 replies)

This does !
www.newsandstar.co.uk/news/1.99349

Why can't the arsehats that pull this sort of shit be publicly accountable for their actions ?

I would love to see the warden try and justify giving a parking ticket instead of seeing if there was something wrong with the old biddy.
(bluetuba has a special friend in Blue Label Smirnoff, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:19, 4 replies)

Bus users
who get on with all their shopping, decide they don't like the look of any of the seats, and proceed to stand in the aisle causing as much hassle as possible for their fellow passengers.

Also those who have already received an honourable mention for crowding the doors on trains instead of letting others off. Get out the way first you utter twunts, so that we can both get where we want to be far faster!!!
(Moniker, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:19, 1 reply)

I get annoyed by...
my friend at uni pronouncing remember as renember! Aargh! Where is the "n"?

However, straight after reading QOTW and going into the halls corridor I heard a perfect conversation to wind people here up:

Guy from Midlands: "Becky won't be coming for dinner"
Guy from West Country: "Where's she to?"
Me (a Berkshire girl): "Erm, is that farmerish?"
Guy from Midlands: "Yes, it's "where's she at?"
Me: "Erm, shouldn't that be "where is she?" *laughs*
(deadly_sinners, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:00, 3 replies)

Bob Sinclair
If I had three wishes one of them would be to utterly rid the world of the music of Bob Sinclair. It's horrible. It's irritating. It makes me want to stab myself in the ears. Who buys this shite? Honestly? You know what I particularly hate? It's the whistling. You know, I could probably block it out if it wasn't for the fucking whistling.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:48, 1 reply)

Mispronunciation and extra punctuation
I've already ranted about grammar in general, these are specifics (not pacifics as Mrs Trellis pointed out below).

Superfly78 brought up Skellingtons.

I'll add another one to the mix - this does tend to be a Kentish dialect thing though,
Chimley - the thing on top of a house that allows the smoke out. Known in Scotland as a Lum.

It's a Chimney. No 'L'.

And errant question marks. I know we've taken on board a great deal of Antipodean culture in the shape of Kylie, Neighbours and Home and Away, not forgetting Prisoner Cell Block H, of course. It has been suggested that this has led to the rise of the Aussie inflection - every sentence is ended as if it's a question.

This spoken inflection appears to have invaded the written word too....Often sentences end with question marks yet a question is not being asked explicitly.

Generally the rule is that if a sentence begins with one of the following then it is a question:-

Who
What
Why
Where
When
How

Of course this is a general rule which means there will be exceptions to it.

However, if you could bear this in mind when you post I won't be cross?*









*Did you see what I did there? That was an example of a common error.

*Takes off teacher's glasses. Opens wine*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:39, 5 replies)

GAH
Another of my pet peeves is with b3ta's reply system, actually. I haven't used it much before today, but it's suddenly struck me with all the force of a half-brick through a jeweller's window of an evening.

When I click the "x replies" link underneath a story, I expect to see all the current replies, followed by a nice little box where I can input my own reply - not to have to click the same reply link twice to actually get said input box on my screen.

I have clicked the "post your own story" link (thinking it was a "post a new comment" link) and ended up making a new post on the main question page twice now. What a nightmare.
(webvictim is invariably at work, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:37, Reply)

People using phones in the toilet!
I can only assume that this is a particularly male one. After all, girls don't go to the loo - we know this.

The number of times I've seen (or heard - if I'm in a cubicle), people answering their mobile in the gents at work astounds me. Is the call that important that the person needs to hear your own or other people's splashing, farting or worse? Couldn't it have waited another 2 minutes for you to call them back?

Even worse is when someone is already on the phone and then gaily wanders into the loo mid-flow, only to continue the conversation while getting another flow going. Eww.

Prime example - I work for a consultancy, and the leader on the project had just taken a call on his phone. He passes the phone onto the Partner on the job, who continues the conversation while wandering off into the loo, before handing the phone back to it's owner. Ick.

I mean, at least if you're on a conference call you can go on mute, but not when you're having an active conversation...
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:34, Reply)

The Windows default sounds
And for some reason I suffer the annoyance of the default 'Click' 'Ding' 'Piano thing' 'Startup/ Shutdown sound'

Do I change them? Do I fuck. It would take hours and hours to change them all to sounds I like and I can't have the sound off cos the .wav slider on volume also affects the mp3 playback and DVD soundtrack.

So I guess I'm mainly peeved with my lack of doing anything about it.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 6 May 2008, 17:29, 2 replies)

Chavs
/Message Ends
( Jacksonville Missed me fuckin Candles, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:28, Reply)

Off topic
Am I the only one who feels immensely relieved at getting all these pet peeves off my chest.

They're right, it is cathartic.

*sighs with contentment*
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Tue 6 May 2008, 17:23, 3 replies)

People who say...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist, but...
Or don't get me wrong, I don't mind the homosexuals, but...

I just wouldn't want them living next door to me. etc etc
( wanderlust, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:22, 1 reply)

You know what really burns my ass?
A flame about three feet high...

/coat
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 6 May 2008, 17:19, 4 replies)

Foreigners!!
Now don't get me wrong, i'm not racist, but it really boils my piss the way that people tip-toe around foreigners. For example, an Asian is currently employed at my wifes work, but has shown up for about 15 days in total this year, always someone in his family ill/dying/dead/etc, and they haven't fired him, in case its viewed as racial prejudice?!

Also, me and my wife have both sold our cars to get new ones recently. Both times, it's been mostly immigrants calling to view, when they come to look, they bring half their extended family with them, talk amongst them selves in their own language as if you wasn't there, then offer a price about 50% of your asking price... then wonder why you walk away?!
(AQ, Tue 6 May 2008, 17:11, 3 replies)