Not really fit but definitely a cnut.
Off on the long-awaited first fishing trip of the year just last weekend, my mate and I were on a brief forray into town to get a has bottle for the caravan. It being a warm day, we indulged in a bit of talent spotting.

I stopped to turn right into a sideroad and my mate commented that he'd be willing to "hang oot the back of her driving the BMW." I never noticed myself as i'm a decent driver and only noticed the new white 3 series among the other oncoming traffic. We stopped just a hundred yards or so up the sideroad seeing that the builders yard we were heading for was closed. I made to pull away when who should pull in front but the same tart in the beemer. Surprised, I said "you might get your chance!" before we noticed that she had a bloke in the passenger seat and they were both wearing arrogance suits.
I'm getting tired of writing on my phone so in short, she did me for no seatbelt though I was wearing it (i honestly can't remember whether I put it on when we'd pulled up outside the yard) Because my mate had been supping Stella and the floor was littered with empties, I got breathalysed too though she couldn't work the machine and accused me of not blowing / sucking etc and was starting to get shirty when her co-pig showed her that the little tube goes the other way round. I asked whether she had evidence of my offence, expecting to be told their car had a camera but was told that I co entitled to contest the penalty though she and her colleague would testify that I wasn't wearing the seatbelt so I'd just add court costs to my fine.

The best part was when my pal advised them that their rather smart car actually had a broken coil spring and hence was sitting extremely low on one corner. "Oh you think so?"
"I know so. I'm a vehicle inspector for VOSA. Here's my ID. Are you aware that your car is not only unroadworthy, it's in a dangerous condition and you're committing a criminal offence by driving it? Should we wait here with you to see that it's properly recovered or shall we just go our separate ways?"
"Mind you buckle up guys."
"Don't go anywhere until the recovery truck comes officer."

If carlsberg did mates they wouldn't be a fucking patch on mine. Anyway, he says it's like piss water compared to his beloved Stella. I owe him several jars.

By the way cuntstubble, good job you didn't see the hefty bag of weed in my door pocket....
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Sat 7 May 2011, 21:31, 7 replies)

Yeah, we've all seen this lie on the internet before too.
I'm pretty sure it even made it as a soap or sitcom sub-plot at one time as well.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 8 May 2011, 4:28, closed)

Get back under your fucking bridge.
Vehicle inspector: commonly known as an MOT tester hence the VOSA ID. I still got the fine, in fact it's still in my wallet and I considered posting a pic as proof but frankly, you're not worth the effort.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Sun 8 May 2011, 17:58, closed)

Steady on, we'll have none of your belligerent trolling here.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 8 May 2011, 21:59, closed)

Yeah yeah, more lies on the internet.
Are you going to try your hand at some hardmanning too?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 12 May 2011, 8:01, closed)

"like piss water compared to his beloved Stella"
That's quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 8 May 2011, 16:16, closed)

Hehe, i read it as "first fisting trip" :-D
(Robotnik, Mon 9 May 2011, 14:10, closed)

not again!
Because it's a 3 hour drive each way, we always stay for a couple of days. I've therefore had many brokeback mountain jokes. (i actually seen that film and thought "what a waste, the fishing looks amazing!")
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 10 May 2011, 1:04, closed)