Apologies
Why did the lion get lost?




Because jungle is massive.

Sorry.
(twentington, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 16:53, 6 replies)

Was out for a stroll in the countryside.....
Was taking a short cut across a field when the farmer came up to me and said,
"Hey, did you leave that small wooden step over by that fence?"

I replied "No it wasn't me, that's not my stile"
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 16:33, Reply)

Fast money
I once had a female friend called Carly who hung around with us geeks at school. Her mother didn’t like this fact, feeling that she was no making the best use of her school time to network and make friends with those who’s interests were more mainstream and would therefore undoubtedly turn her in to a better person when she left, free to leech off the government and pop sprogs out of her buttered loins.

Said mother would tut every time Carly wished to spend time with us at such fun events as LAN parties, but would make no further comment. During one idle lunchtime, we were discussing ways of making our hobbies bring in some money. In the middle of this, Carly announced that she was off to start her very own ISP! Off she marched home to research the necessary. Within three days, several large boxes arrived at her home and a BT engineer arrived to fit a dedicated data link. When asked what was going on Carly explained her master plan. Her mother’s response was a simple, disappointed shake of the head and a “T’ss Carly”.


Thankee, I’m here all moon.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 16:20, Reply)

"Cigarette?"
"Yes, I know"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 16:14, 2 replies)

Fred the cow
In 2007, there was once a young male cow called Fred going about his financial business in the city as he always did. As an investment banker and the CEO of a large financial institution, young Fred was very bullish about the market.

Alas, in late 2008, disaster struck and the markets crashed, leaving poor Fred very much in a bear market…

…where he was eaten by proletariat ursine debt collectors.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 15:48, Reply)

A horse walks into a bar

and the barman says, "Why the long face?"






"Because I'm a horse you fucking cunt!"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 15:40, Reply)

What do you call a Mexican who's had his motor nicked?




Carlos.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Dogs
Sir,

Is it me or are dogs getting younger?

Colonel A. 'Bogbrush' Wolfhound (Ret.)
Shingay cum Wendy
Cambs.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 15:17, 2 replies)

Do you know the quickest way to call someone an Ambulance?
Look them in the eyes and say, " You are an ambulance".
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 14:47, Reply)

The weather in Iraq is unpredictable...
Sometimes it's Sunni and sometimes it's Shi'ite.
(DJ_MicroClimate, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 14:23, 3 replies)

2 blokes walk into a pub
and the barman says to one of them, "Hello donkey face"

"Why did he call you donkey face?" asks his mate.

"Ee aw ee aw ee always calls me that"
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 14:08, Reply)

Proof that the old ones aren't the best...
A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky.
The barman asks "Any brand? We have Bells, Teachers, Famous Grouse, oh and we even have one named after you."
"Really?" replies the horse, "You have a whisky called Colin?"
(zebby wasting irony here on, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 13:57, Reply)

pun in ten did?
i wondered why the cricket ball in the air just kept getting bigger and bigger. for the life of me i could not figure it out - then it hit me!

what command would Prince William just hate to hear were he on the front lines awaiting orders? 'Fire at Will'
(monporn, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 13:45, Reply)

Oh well..
A chap is out for a ramble in the countryside (Yorkshire Dales somewhere) and comes across a farmer struggling mightily with a large and rather wooly ewe.

"Are you going to be shearing that?"

"Nah, fuck off and get thee own."
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 9 Mar 2009, 13:39, Reply)

hide and seek
having just won the gold medal in the Britsh hide and seek championships, Shannon Mathews now plans on acheiving a gold in Europe by beating the current european champion, Madaline Mccann
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 13:15, 1 reply)

Horse pub joke
A horse walks into a pub. The barman says "Why the long face?"
(DJ_MicroClimate, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 13:08, 1 reply)

I'm not being homophobic, but...
Q: What do you call a gay man covered in anti-radar paint?
A: A stealth bummer.

See. Not homophobic at all. Just solid fact.
( giant_squid, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 12:58, Reply)

This really...
...is a question of the weak
( Regger, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 12:58, Reply)

I hear the Peter Mandelson protester
has been remanded in custardy.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 12:41, 2 replies)

Two Scottish ones - hope this hasnt bindun!
Field full of cattle - which one is on holidays?

The one with the wee calf.

..

10 cows in a field - which one has all the oil?

Cow 8.

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 12:14, 2 replies)

Sweet fucking mercy...
...make it stop. Please, just make it stop.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 12:10, 2 replies)

Everyone should be making nice salads this summer.
After all it's not rocket science...
( IHaveABadFeelingAboutThis most likely working from home on, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 12:04, Reply)

When is a door not a door?
When it's a jar.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:50, Reply)

What sort of Crow is The Supreme Crow?
_{(apart from one that insists on referring to himself in the third person)}

Well, given my tendency to drop saucy double-entendres into any given conversation, plus the fact that people can take me on an airline with no extra charge, some say I am a Carrion Crow.

/spangs self
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:30, 1 reply)

Before I got married
a wise man said to me:

First there is an engagement ring

Then a wedding ring

Finally it's the suffering.

/Ah thank you
(lurkylurklurk swings more, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:29, 2 replies)

Today
Peter fitted all the cows with slippers made from old towels and string. They don't make nearly as much noise now, thankfully. And earlier Father removed the cow bells as they were causing such a din! Now we sit in perfect quiet milking the herd knowing the Germans are only footsteps away from us. I am scared, but I know Daisy, my favorite Gurnsey, is always a hug away.

- An extract from The Dairy Of Anne Frank
( SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:29, Reply)

Old Chinese Proverb:
Man who wants nurse for bride... Must be patient.

/Coat.
/Shamelessly ripped from some shite movie
(aroe_m0rre, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:26, Reply)

From yesterdays News Of The World
(I read it for the football, OK?)

The strangely inappropriate headline for a story about a blind woman who was killed in an accident involving a circular saw:

‘Blind Woman Saw Death’
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:22, 1 reply)

Oh and also I regularly use...
...this old chestnut:

Them: "How many times have you been off sick this year?"

Me: "I don't really know"

Them: "Roughly?"

*puts on gruffest voice possible*

Me: "I don't really know"

Use them and you will always have success with the ladies, guaran-damn-teed!
( JebediahSpringfield, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:06, Reply)