This happened.
So, I’m out in the car. My 10-year-old supermodel cousin had licked it clean that very morning in gratitude for a whole night’s babysitting. After a night like that, baby could hardly sit. BOOM BOOM! Thank you, I’ll be here all week, unless the mods boot out my sorry arse.

Needless to say, as 10-year-olds tend to, she’s already hoovering up my massive stash, a personal birthday present from Pablo Escobar that I was lucky to be able to keep when that copper pulled me over last year. I reassured him that his bum didn’t look big in his uniform and he waved me off with a smile, missing the fact that the panels of my Accord are made from pure cocaine.

Before you know it I hear the sirens behind me - I must have been swerving between the ol’ lanes a bit from having one hand on the wheel and the other in Cuz’s knickers...it was either that or Batman must have been coming to ask for his car back after he leant it to me last weekend so I could beat the queues at Lakeside Thurrock.

Needless to say, it was a copper in dire need of my assistance. He staggered up to the door of my Accord and I saw straightaway that he had a face-hugger wrapped around his middle-class chops, tail curling and squeezing around his pink neck. He was moaning and mumbling in blind panic, though I knew the look in his eyes meant “Help me, Rancid Hamster, Internet Hero - you’re my only hope!”. He knew, as did I, that the only way to dislodge a face-hugger in full embrace was via the power of human urine.

Long story short, I accidentally pissed in a copper’s mouth. He was alright about it, though, and that very evening he bought me a pint at the executive lounge bar in Buckingham Palace.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:53, 4 replies)

I bet you're also a legal professional.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:58, closed)

Damned straight, honky.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:59, closed)

Brilliant, but there's a fail I'm afraid...

You didn't put the word 'babysitting' in quotation marks to make it even more creepy, so you're nowhere near as double-hard and noncey as the original post.

Well done though
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:20, closed)

Thanks
I realise I can't hold a candle to the OP in terms of double-hardness and nonciness. I just couldn't push my Savile Rating up any higher.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 6:53, closed)