Unsuitable for the job
The guy who cleans my parents windows is scared of heights and refuses to climb ladders, so has to have an assistant to do upstairs windows.

Who do you know who is just completely unsuited to the job they do?

Other than the current / previous PM.
(ScousersPet, Tue 22 Nov 2011, 10:46, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Amazing Projects part 2
Followed the week after by part 3.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 14:36, Reply)

Racist Grandparents part II

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 4:04, Reply)

Finding out the hard way
We've all learnt one of life's hard lessons through moments of genius/stupidity/curiosity. So what was it for you?
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Sat 19 Nov 2011, 18:26, Reply)

Greatest Deception
Years ago I 'Shopped a copy of an MOT certificate which I presented as legit to the local constabulary after being stopped. Despite feeling very guilty, I got away with it.

What's your greatest moment of successful deception?

(Any story involving "I do" doesn't count.)
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Thu 17 Nov 2011, 9:41, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

The great B3ta collective horror story
every one gets to add a a few lines or paragraphs to the story as and when they are sober or not stoned. take it in any direction and as bloody gory or psychological as befits the story line with twist turns and surprises and bodys and severd limbs and maybe a bus that runs on time or what ever.

I may even have a go at some proper cuntuation
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 21:25, Reply)

That Dave, he's a card.
Tell us about people you know who think they are funny but aren't really. Show us their fail.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 17:56, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Absolutely bloody amazing
A friend and I build a half pipe using scavenged wood for the frame, then saved up for the ply to cover it. It had a tombstone, and proper coping that we'd nicked from beside the old railway track.

He learnt to get air off it and I learnt to blunt slide.

For that summer we were the coolest kids in the village.

When Mrs Vagabond and I got married in Vegas this year, my mate Rob came without his family, and as such, whenever we talk about the event with friends now, it's always Rob that we spend the most time talking about, and how ace he is.

What have you done that made you (wo)man of the match?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 9:26, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Little Horrors
Kids get up to all kinds of shit. We've all been a kid at some point - tell us tales of the 'mischief' (READ: horrendously unacceptable behaviour) you got up to when you could still get away with it. Or, if you've popped out a few sprogs of your own, tell us stories that'll make the rest of us book an immediate appointment for a vasectomy.
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 3:11, Reply)

Your earliest memory.
What is the first thing you can remember?
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 20:07, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

A winner is you!
Humanity is a competitive species! Tell the class about the ridiculous things you've turned into competitions, or the crazy things you've done in pursuit of victory.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Out of time
Are you and oldie who still acts like a teenager? Are you young and wish you'd been born when music was actually good?
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 0:28, Reply)

The comeback kid
After being needled by my ex's new boyfriend about how great it was to be with her, he said "I'm off to bed with her now." I snapped and replied, "Just remember, wherever you go, I've already been."

Detail your top comebacks. Bonus points for crudeness.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Mon 14 Nov 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Things I wish I'd never heard...
On the TV this morning there was a discussion about Brodie Clark wherein Theresa May was decribed as having "dumped on him from a height".

Now if there is one mental image I do not need over my bran flakes* it is that of our kitten-heeled home secretary squatting atop a pole, cleft asunder, defacating abundantly into the open mouth of the recently deposed former head of the UK border control force.


What do you wish you had never heard, or seen ?



*other vaguely laxitive cereals are available
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Sun 13 Nov 2011, 10:00, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Spongers

Spongers ! We all know one, ( or two ). The ones who could peel an orange in their pocket , never buy a round, always act broke ect....ect.
(MrPhoto, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:09, Reply)

The most impossible task ever.
That you have either given or been instructed to do.
Did you/they achieve results or fail dismally?
Spectacularly or just a mediocre effort for a gargantuan task?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 23:03, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

what the best and worst QoTW sugestion you have ever made?
Tell us if it was wild , wacky or sad and grey and didnt make you laugh but saved you time or money.
Maybe it was the one about the time on the beach when the old ladys mankini fell down and you rushed over to cover her up, so your mates wouldnt be sick?
or the time you saved 50 p on a multypack of tenalady by useing the coupon in titbits?
Alternativly why not post a picture of your self naked taking dump on a wasp nest full of nasty little irate stingamajigs?


possibly
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 21:35, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

The best place you've ever been abroad
Reasons for this suggestion are two fold :
We've had 2 weeks of racism and kiddy fiddling.
I need some holiday suggestions.
(dyllon nice beaver., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 19:35, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Impromptu Games you play Part II
Sure, we've had it before, but it was a hell of a long time ago. So what little games have you invented to pass the time while bored? Preferably while away from the computer
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 16:46, Reply)

Things I shouldn't have done.
I am constantly amazed at the things that I have been allowed to do in my life. Probably the most inadvisable being to allow me, after throwing myself out of an aeroplane, to repack a parachute myself. This would have been fine had (a) I been the one jumping again; and (b) had not been an incredibly irresponsible 16 year old. I didn’t hear of any fatalities after that one, but it was probably a close-run thing.
( Hunter Stockton was murdered by a bicycle wielding axolotl,.,.,.,., Tue 8 Nov 2011, 13:32, Reply)

The moment which always makes you laugh, despite any bad mood you're in.
I was on the end of a pub bench in a noisy beer garden with two others. Needing to fart, I used the ambience to hide the noise. The next thing I knew, the lad on the other end leant forward and asked "Was that you making the bench vibrate?" and saw the lad in the middle in tears of laughter. Busted.

Every time I think of this, no matter what kind of foul mood I'm in, I always laugh. Share your moments of guaranteed mirth.


P.S. Flatulence is funny.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 14:08, Reply)

"It was this big. I had to use the Honda Accord and a tow-rope to land the fucker!"
Post an anecdote about anything. Only one rule though, you must embellish and exaggerate it to the point of ridicule.

and keep it entertaining. So two rules then.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 10:27, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Money saving tips
Having found myself at the end of last month with a) an overdraft, and b) a knackered and needs replacing car, we have gone on an economy drive at home.

First thing I did was actually got off my arse and reset the timer on the heated towelrail in the bathrrom, which has been on constantly for over 2 years . . . you got any other tips, sensible or not, so I can get that shiny new shitbox by Christmas?
(username failed moderation, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 9:23, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

are you brilliant? Tell a small corner of the Internet,
by posting as an American with an inflated sense of self-importance.

When were YOU last annoyed that qotw didn't give you a platform for your self-percieved talent?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 6:37, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Have you ever wanked in your cousin's hair?
tell us about that

or the time she sucked your chunks, that's probably a good story too
(yeah right bollocks bollocks, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 21:29, Reply)

The other day I created this account after a bit of lurking.
What is the biggest mistake you've made this year?
(HirsuteGorilla, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 17:02, Reply)

Victory over Petty Government Oppression ...
On Sunday I cam out of Budgens to see a Parking Nazi walking away from my car having left a ticket. I rushed over to the Pay & Display and bought a ticket ... rang up the council and claimed to have been trying to get change while Adolf's Chum had been ticketing me.

And they let me off - result!
(Biff..., Thu 3 Nov 2011, 14:35, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Heroes
There are some people in this world who change the lives of those around them. Who are your heroes and why?
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 14:31, Reply)

The moment you realised you became your parents.
Those sayings, mannerisms and all-out annoyances you never realised you did until that fateful when you realised you've done what you'd promised yourself years ago you'd never do; become your parents.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 12:34, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)