I needed a fart. Really badly. My arse was aching, it was all I do just to control my brown balloon knot.
But control it I did. I was with a customer, in her house.

She was female. She was just inches away, in the seat next to me paying close attention to what I was saying.

My arse wanted to say something too. I controlled it.

Eventually I forgot about it, the fart had gone away and I finished up, got out, got in my car and then the fart returned.

This time I was ready and with great relief i opened my valve.

Of course, you're thinking that I opened my valve and I shat myself. BUt you are wrong in thinking that. I opened my valve and pissed myself with liquid brown liquid. This liquid does not qualify, in my book, as an actual shit. It could have been a slightly chunky soup. A cheap one, from Asda. By feel alone I would probably have hazarded that this was what it was, but seeing as it definitely was coming out of my anus, I had to resign myself to the fact that this was not the case. Also soup does not usually contain a strong propellant, like squirty cream does, and like this shit did.

The smell almost instantly melted my Glade vent mounted Air Freshener and as it dribbled down the dashboard onto the plush carpets of my vauxhall carlton my poo followed its own journey along the creases in my undergarments in its effort to escape my clothing and join the freshener on the floor. I opened the window.

No problem. Concentrate. Lift yourself off the seat a bit. Yes. That feels better. Now, drive to a garage and use the facilities. Ok, you'll have to sit back on the seat to drive. Yes. I know the poo has cooled now and feels even worse but you cannot stay here all day.

I drive to a garage, it's quite far away. I get out of my car and walk into the shop and aim for the servicios (i'm in spain) immensely aware that my accident is clearly visible through my lightish blue (but very cool) skater type jeans, but relieved my nightmare is nearly over.

But this is spain. Where they build everywhere, and where they aren't building, they are rebuilding. In this case they were re-building the toilets. Completely rebuilding them. There were builders in there, or i might have just gone in and rubbed cement dust all over my my arse as a temporary measure, as one might use talc.

no. ok then. I'll get some toilet roll and join the queue. i'll ignore the people behind me, the gently crispifying mess i have all over my arse, balls and legs, the embarrassment. everything. la la la.

Pay for loo rolls (FAMILY SIZE!!) only ones there. Longest walk back to car with everyone in shop queue looking, sit back into my 'happy brown seat' and then drive off looking for somewhere local to clean myself up.

A field as it turns out. With horses. And flies. The flies became my friends.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 23:12, 1 reply)

To be honest
That's horrid!
( iainiainiainiain, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:05, closed)