Garlic bum grease
One of the local pubs near me is renowned for having shitty beer, in that its very cheap but the quality is very dubious. Several times I've been there drinking and the next day I have had terrible bubble guts.

I had been in this pub one night drinking a few lagers and it was making me feel a bit rough. At the end of the night me and a mate walked back via a takeaway, grabbing the finest supreme garlic bread money could buy. Supreme garlic bread is basically a flat pizza bread absolutely slathered in garlic butter and cheese, folded in half and fried.

One of the problems with it is that the grease levels are so high, it slips straight through you. Combine this with several dodgy pints and it can cause you real problems.

I left the shop and said night to my mate, dashing off down the road to get back to mine as soon as possible to drop my bubbling guts.

It was a long walk back and the closer I got to home the greater my need to go. It eventually got so bad that I was almost doubled up in pain. It got so bad that I began looking around for somewhere to shit, anywhere out of sight of the road. There was nowhere. The only place I could find to go was at the entrance to what could have been either an old peoples home, or a small housing estate, on top of waist high bushes on either side of the doorway. I had an attack of conscience but the overwhelming need to let loose this greasy torrent meant that it was on the bush or in my pants.

So I pulled down my jeans, hitched up my jacket and let loose, squirting a hot steamy deluge all over the top of this box hedge. Pulled out a tissue from my pocket and cleaned up as best I could. Walked home and forgot about it.

Next day I walked down the same road, just to check it out. It was disgusting, like a brown blanket over the top of this hedge, right outside the doorway to the complex. Being the middle of the summer it was buzzing with flies and the stench was unbearable.

I did feel a bit guilty about it, but it was just neccessary. It only amused me more to think that people would have had to walk through this stench, in the middle of a blisteringly hot summer.

Bit of a cuntish thing to do, but it was unavoidable when it first happened and I could hardly go back with a bucket of water and wash it off could I.
(Stevie Ruggling, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:12, Reply)