.
Blast from the past arse.

I'm going to apoligise in advance, and suggest that if you're eating, skip this and come back later.

Ere we go.. are you sitting comfortably? good.

I live in Sweden...

... and have in the past mentioned Surströmming and the violent aroma. If you doubt my wisdom, go and play with youtube. You'll find all sorts of people being violated by putrid fish smells.

Now.. Midsummer in Sweden is one HELL of a party. I've been here for a good few years, and I can't remember a single Midsummer where people haven't got royally rat-arsed, or fallen over while dancing round the giant phallic symbol that we erect for the party: Rinsing your recently abused pallet of rotten fish with large quantities of Vodka and Akvavit can get you more drunk than you'd care to imagine.. but as for the frog-dance there is no excuse. To be honest I hardly remember a single midsummer. Full stop... I remember this one though.

Anyway... there's lots of rampant alcohol fuelled shagging that goes on. This night I was going to become another statistic.

6am, and the missus and I have swayed home in the lazy and meandering way that the drunks have perfected over an eternity of liver-abuse... We were determined to nail each other to the bed when we get home. Now.. to be fair to her she was awesome in bed, it's just that this night was about to go wrong. Terribly terribly wrong.

We'd both been drinking for nearly 12 hours straight. We were both obscenely drunk... and I was having difficulty getting hard. I could hardly keep my body erect, let alone Mr Winky. Missus Humpty decided that - as sitting on my face was always a dead-cert for trouser-snake charming - she'd hoik her dress up, and ride my tongue.. This she did. Rather hard. I'm not only used to this, but a great fan to boot. My tongue worked away at her feverishly, her cute puckered barking-spider a bare few millimeters from my nose. I was in heaven, and - riding my face like a drunken pro - so was she.

She was sat in the perfect position to tug away at any signs of life, and as she and I both neared the point of no return I - mouth full of mimsy - was forced to heave air through my nose at a colossal rate, much like a jet-fighter at full throttle just before take-off....

We both came.... and - as fate would have it - the orgasm ripping through her body caused her to grind down harder on my face.. and fart - forcefully injecting un-diluted rectal gasses into my air-hungry nose.

A FULLL force, and totally ripe, hot Surströmming fart (far worse than the initial burst of smell from the tin), CLEAN up my nostrils. The reaction was instant and uncompromising. Completely unaware of her crime and mistaking my convulsions for throws of ecstasy, Mrs Humpty ground down harder on my face as I gasped for air.. The enormity of my horror peaked as, in the full grip of natural bolidy rejection, I hoyed my stomach's content, including a large amount of undigested, rotten fish, straight up her pink mitten.

While the fetid and vomited herring now deeply stuck in my nostrils caused the start of a gagging fit that would go on to last an apparent eternity, She ran screaming to the bathroom trailing a torrent of rotten fish, stomach acid, bile and alcohol from her burning fish-mitten.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 26 Jan 2010, 15:02, 8 replies)

epic.
that is all. click.
(mersault, Tue 26 Jan 2010, 15:30, closed)

win

(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Tue 26 Jan 2010, 15:51, closed)

hurrggghh ~~~
thanks for that, I feel really quite ill now, have a click anyways
(AndySpanners not working too hard on, Tue 26 Jan 2010, 16:15, closed)

I think you actually meant "palate"
But I like your version better :-)
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 26 Jan 2010, 16:30, closed)

I have also had the joy of tasting Surstromming in a park in London. Don't think I could try it again, even with vodka. The smell was putrid and lingered for a long time in a large area of the park.
(scotsbloke, Tue 26 Jan 2010, 16:39, closed)

I cried.
*clicks*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 26 Jan 2010, 19:08, closed)

win
also, 'her cute puckered barking-spider' make me chuckle heartily.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 11:36, closed)

Ooh, I dunno
I loved 'burning fish-mitten' myself.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 21:06, closed)