The Lesbian Stalker
Oh god.

Back story: I should mention that I am a chick. Back when I was in my first year of high school, I had the job of showing the "new girl" around, and we became best-friends-by-default. I thought she was kinda lame, but she always hung around me, followed me, and split her lunch with me. I moved away at the end of the year. It wasn't until over a year later that she told me that she had been in love with me, and cried herself to sleep for a month after I left. I had to do the awkward "um, thanks" response to that.

Now I thought this "in love with you" thing was past-tense, so I managed to totally block the "creepy stalker" thing out of my memory. When I moved back to the area for college, she came to spend the night at my house. She spent the whole night trying to get into my pants, and I slept with my door locked.

I spent the next two days in a state of shock. I started to connect the dots, and realized that she had broken up with her boyfriend of three years within a month of when I moved back. She was one of few people that knew I was having some trouble with an eating disorder, and she seemed to be seeking approval by talking about how she had lost soooo much weight after the break-up, and so on.

I started avoiding her from there on out. One of our old mutual friends had since become the Lesbian Stalker's mortal enemy, and she passed on a lot of creepy information from the LS's ex-boyfriend. Gems include:

- She started copying my fashion and habits, and started cutting herself because she knew I was depressed.

- The time that she said that her boss at Longs Drugs was hitting on her, and made some comment about it being weird because he was 37 (she was 19). I made a joke along the lines of "37? But that's when men hit their peak!" Next thing I know, she's sleeping with him despite his girlfriend.

- The time she said that some guy on myspace was hitting on her, but she didn't like him because he was balding. I saw that he listed scrabble as an interest, and like the nerd I am, I made a joke along the lines of "if you don't, I will!" Next thing I know, word on the streets is that she met some older guy off of myspace and blew him.

- Okay, there are about thirty more of these stories, basic formula is that she didn't like someone until I approved of them, at which point she boinked them. And because I'm a bad person, she's slept with half of California.

- Non-related to the stalking, but gross nonetheless: she got a yeast infection and didn't know what it was. She decided to do nothing about it. Her boyfriend was nice enough to look it up for her and find out what she needed to do about it. She decided to continue to do nothing about it, instead opting to wear pads on a daily basis to deal with "leakage."

I'll give you a moment to gag.

- Since we had kept in touch by snail mail, I would occasionally throw in notes on random things like doilies or candy wrappers. Years later, her boyfriend found a candy wrapper in her drawer and asked if he could throw it away. "NO! Alison gave it to me!"

Egads. Apologies for length and all, but there are about eighteen level of creepiness that I couldn't even touch on here.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sun 3 Feb 2008, 22:01, Reply)