I was a teenage astrologer!
I got my start as a freelance writer doing horoscopes. You know what, the story behind that is too good not to tell.

My first summer in university, I was having trouble getting work. One day I saw a classified ad looking for writers for a new magazine. It gave a website, and when I checked it out, it was an escort service! Didn't scare me off; I needed a job.

The office for this place was pretty sketchy. When I rang the bell, they talked to me through the intercom, and then it turned out their office was the door behind me (I guess it was a trick in case of police raids). I was let in by a giant 7-foot-tall guy who I suspected may have been hiding a baseball bat somewhere under his clothes.

The woman in charge of the place told me "You do know this is an escort service, right?" And I said "Sure, I figured you guys could use a horoscope." She agreed, then the phone rang. "Hello? No, we don't have an office in Calgary. Uh-huh...uh-huh...Okay, we'll have a girl there in 20 minutes."

Hello! So I started working on my first horoscope. My main trick was to gather the birthdays of all my friends and relatives, and then write horoscopes speaking directly to them. For my 25-year-old virgin friend's sign, I said to start respecting the opposite sex more. For my mom's sign, I ended up writing something like "Emeralds will be significant this month," and my mom later told me it was a major hit (although I didn't tell her about the job at first).

Anyway, the article went in, and they produced the first issue. The day it was published, my editor/madame called me up, excited. I said I'd stop by the office to pick up a copy. She told me "Oh, we've got a guy driving around right now. He can drop off a copy at your house." I pictured my mom answering the door to this seven-foot-tall pimp handing her a magazine from an escort service. And yeah, they had my address.

The magazine was flush with escort ads and personals, as well as little odds-and-ends articles such as mine. They were always very professional toward me and payment was always delivered properly.

Anyway, my mom finally found out when my editor called, and she basically told my mom that her son was working for an escort service...as a horoscope writer. My mom was surprisingly cool with that.

We went three issues, and one day I showed up at their office to find the whole place deserted. I never saw them again. And that, I suppose, is the unexplained part of this tale.

Anyway, to show off my talents, here is the B3ta Horoscope.

· Gemini
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."


· Cancer
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Leo
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Virgo
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Libra
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Scorpio
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Sagittarius
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Capricorn
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Aquarius
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Pisces
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Aries
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

· Taurus
People of your sign often have an introspective personality and a zany sense of humour. Your individualism and nonconformity sometimes put you at odds with your peers, but you relish in your eccentricity. This month, the disclosure of a close secret may lead to embarrassment, but no real-life consequences. Counsel from a third party will offer insight. Don't keep yourself from having a good laugh to loosen the tension. Click "I like this!" if this horoscope sounds accurate."

Yes, the secret to writing a good horoscope is to know your audience.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 15:59, 7 replies)

Wow!
you really nailed my horoscope. Gosh, however did you do that?

Seriously, I don't understand how anyone can believe that rubbish. Do the maths. How many million folk in each star sign? Come on.

Oh, in case you're wondering I'm Sagittarius. Half woman, half horse. Allowed, therefore, to shit on the streets*

*Copyright Billy Connolly
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 3 Jul 2008, 16:11, closed)

Look up the "Forer Effect" on Wikipedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forer_effect
(Super Jet Shoes, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 16:21, closed)

MysticRacetraitor
You should get your own slot on the lottery show and make bazillions for getting ignorant peoples hopes up.

Actually, I want that job........carry on, nothing to see here.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Thu 3 Jul 2008, 16:27, closed)

Dude, you must be psychic!
While I don't believe that star-formations millions of light-years away have direct influence on our lives (apart from the extremely tiny gravitational pull and photon-emissions), I do notice that people of different star-signs have distinctive personality characteristics. Of course, this could be down to what pregnant women do differently according to the current season (enjoying the good weather will send a different combination of hormones to the foetus than being huddled up in freezing weather).
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 16:30, closed)

@ mistaspakkaman
That's my working theory too!

And that the stress and calorific increase of Christmas at a different point in the foetal development etc etc, would have an impact, as well of course as what is happening in the world when the child is first born. Then of course whether they are the oldest/youngest in their school year (which might have a knock-on effect in terms of confidence patterns etc).

There's even been some published researched to show that eating disorders are highly correlated with certain birth months.

*sigh* I'm such a geek.
(cherrynicola, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 18:57, closed)

Mistaspakkaman
Yes, I've considered that possibility too, that the time of year you're born could have an effect on your personality. But I've never seen any evidence for that, same as the eating disorder thing.

Actually, the best explanation of how my horoscope in particular works was provided by James Randi:
youtube.com/watch?v=3Dp2Zqk8vHw
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 3:27, closed)

Sorry mate, thats rubbish
Y'see I'm a Sagittarius, and that description up there is NOWT like me.

However, the description for Taurus is absolutely spot on.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sat 5 Jul 2008, 5:49, closed)