Useless...
It's something's 18th birthday, which happens to coincide with my last night at home before tootling off to university for three years of hard work racking up immeasurable debts. I've managed to corral an immense number of friends. acquaintances, and strangers to watch me finally buy my first legal drink dans le pub.

I know full well I'm going to get destroyed, for the plain and simple fact that I can and, dammit, I'm 18 and fucking indestructible. The last piece of advice my mother gives me before I leave the house?

"Don't get too drunk"

Meh... I hospitalised myself. A badly broken ankle and a pumped stomach. Happy birthday.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 13:50, Reply)

important: sleeping pills cause drowsiness
I work in a pharmacy, where (of course) all the drugs must be labelled to the utmost degree of preciseness. One day, unpacking boxes of sleeping pills, i noticed that on the back of the boxes was printed:
'WARNING: This product may cause drowsiness. If affected do not drive or operate heavy machinery.'
(peacelove_deathmetal, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 13:43, Reply)

Never trust a woman
whose belly sticks out further than her tits.

Not really sure why you shouldn't, but it made me laugh.
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 13:41, Reply)

Carol Voderman
"You can consolidate your debts into one small monthly payment"


Oh really? Then why am I sleeping in a potato sack and licking Kit-Kat wrappers for dinner, you cunt.
(Last Night a DJ Shaved My Wife, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Words of Wisdom
Two useless pieces of advice I've received over the years:

"Never trust a man who doesn't wear a belt"

and

"It will all come out in the wash"

exactly what will come out in the wash.. I wonder.. hmm
(TornadoDivine, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 13:34, Reply)

One out of two ain't bad
#1: "There's someone out there who's just right for you, it's just a matter of time before you find them"

#2 "If you leave a stocking at the end of your bed, a big fat man will come down the chimney (even though we don't have one) and fill said stocking with presents. He does this for several billion people in the space of a few hours"

Well, one of these turned out to be right...
(eesnahk, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 13:19, Reply)

not me but
my friends dad always used to say - if you're not in bed by 10, go home - which I always feel to be sound advice to ignore at any bike rally, where 4 in the morning seems like a good time to start coming on to women after consuming my own bodyweight in lager and eating far too many cookies.

katydid, if you're reading this, get better soon petal
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 13:17, Reply)

Great advice for a homophobe...
Whilst standing at the bar and drinking in a stereotypical 'flat caps and whippets' pub in the North East, a particularly agressive young man leant over and said to my bumsexual mate "I hate fucking puffs". To which Gave (for that is his pseudonym) replied "well, you should try fucking women then".

Now this is actually quite fair advice, at least it was until the mother of all fights broke out. Gave still maintains it was worth the broken nose just for the expression on the the gormless tards face.
(i anglepoise, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:53, Reply)

Don't pull faces
Cost if the wind changes, it'll stay that way.

"Look it happened to them", as I point to the Sunshine Coach going past.

I usually get a slap off Mrs YC for that one.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:50, Reply)

My boss once told me
... "never trust a girl with a veiny forehead"

I have no idea what he meant but it made me laff anyway.
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:43, Reply)

Fecking Obvious?
useless advice - when you walk in to something/trip oversomething you haven't seen, then somebody watching you do it says 'Mind That!'

b'stards, could have told me before I broke something!
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:38, Reply)

Bullshitters are funny.
My complete twunt of an ex-boyf was full of bollocks. Two pearls of wisdom which I found particularly laughable were:

• When the allocated amount of iron in cereal was not sufficient for the quantity they put in a box, they just chuck very fine iron filings in the packet to make up the difference.

• You should never eat a jacket potato that has been cooked in a microwave, as it retains the radioactive micro rays and if eaten will eventually give you stomach cancer.

You may think he was just making these stories up for a laugh, but he was completely serious to the point where he actually had a massive bitch-fit when I laughed and denounced him as a bullshitter. Mind you what can you expect from a man who swore blind that he was half-'merkin (to the point that he said he had an American passport and called his mum 'mom') when in fact he was the nephew of a woman who had married one.

I sometimes wish I had taped some of his bits of advice for a summat to larf at when I'm feeling down.

'length'
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:37, Reply)

"London is a dangerous place"
Which turns out to be true. Yesterday I went into WHSmith and punched someone in the face.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:36, Reply)

Nuts
Bags of nuts contains the warning 'May contain nuts' to prevent retards with nut allergys eating them, and then sueing.

Its a 'cover our back' approach from respective companies so they can say in court, are you blind as well as stupid?

Useless advice, when younger when leaving the house for a night on the town, last words I'd hear from the mother would be 'don't get drunk'. Well ok then, might as well stay in with hot coco instead then...
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:33, Reply)

Supermarket
One laidee to another laidee in the fruit and veg aisle, holding a potato

" I always find you get more on the larger ones " . Wise words.

Also fighting fire with fire seems a bit odd, as do bags of nuts that 'may contain nuts', better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all - how's that work then?

and sneezing with your eyes open runs the risk of your eyeballs popping out. Apparently.
(tootlepip, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:27, Reply)

A nugget of wisdom from a neighbour who passed away years ago...
This old chap, Mr McIntyre lived next to my mum all his days and he used to tell me all sorts of nonsense but the one which I loved and it's the only one I remember to this day is:

"Remember to always eat yer porridge laddie. That way your body will be strong and you'll no wake up dead"



Erm. Cheers Mr McIntyre. To be honest I do eat a lot of porridge and have never woken up dead...I don't think.

Yours

Alma Del Diablo
( diablo290582 Professional.....something., Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:22, Reply)

"You'll find somebody when you don't expect to"
Oh cool, I wasn't expecting to, so now I will.
Shit, now I'm expecting to, so I won't.
Oh cool, I wasn't expecting to, so now I will.
Shit, now I'm expecting to, so I won't.
Oh cool, I wasn't expecting to, so now I will.
Shit, now I'm expecting to, so I won't.
Oh cool, I wasn't expecting to, so now I will.
Shit, now I'm expecting to, so I won't.
....and so on.
( Zuowan, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 12:22, Reply)

Going down on a woman
Thanks uncle alan

" If you can get your tongue and a finger in, stay the night. If you can get both hands in and clap, get your coat"

Never had any STD's, and only once had to turn down a love-session. Not a bad return.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:58, Reply)

Always
keep a bucket of shit in the lounge to keep flies out of the kitchen.
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:55, Reply)

Total Nonsense
The women on my wifes side of the family use this diamond bit of advice:

"If you get lost whilst out driving, keep turning left or follow a blue car".

So you could end up driving round in circles or following someone home and scaring the shite out of them in a stalker-type way. Great.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:55, Reply)

Teacherly Advice
My old Physics tutor used to say "The angle of the dangle is directly proportionate to the heat of the beat"...wise words...

and as for the Clean Underwear-Hit by a bus advice...I don't think it'd matter...I'd probably shit myself with fear moments before being hit anyway...so that goes down the pan really...
(littleben hasn't anything funny to put here, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:46, Reply)

Plastic bags keep telling me
"Keep away from children"

Bit tough, being as I'm a parent and everything. Luckily, PurpleGod Jr.'s the best kid in the whole world, so I don't mind disobeying this advice.

Of course, *everyone* *else's* kids are bug-ridden sacks of contagion, so maybe it's only 99.9% good advice.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:28, Reply)

most useless
"don't eat with your mouth full" at several meals throughout my life.

and pastor sauce, if only someone had told me that i'd not look like this these days:

(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:27, Reply)

My mum...
(not sure if these have bin done but im a lazy twat and can't be arsed reading them all yet)

My Mum used to say ...

"Don't come running to me if you fall off that wall and break your leg"

WHAT THE FUCK???????

Im sure theres more but like I say im a lazy twat.
( Mrs.Sp@m, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus
I mean how long do you think that underwears going to remain clean if you get hit by a bus?
(Giggedy_Giggedy, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Always iron yer undercrackers!
is actually a great bit of advice...

An old Africa-hand imparted this gem when I'd just got 'in-country' on what turned out to be a 2yr. stint in West Africa.

If you get the local bints to do your laundry, chances are they'll dry it on a bush, rather than a line. This allows bush-borne creepy crawlies to lay eggs in your underpants which then hatch and the larvae then eat your nuts. Ironing will hopefully kill the eggs! Thanks, Mr. Tunley!

"Cheer up, it might never happen!", Thanks, Joey[kins] for pointing that one out. What great advice to the mood disordered. Not. Cunts.
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:22, Reply)

"The best defence is a good offense"........
......I recalled as the judge asked me "do you have anything to say in your defence".

...after calling him 'El Bandito, the fastest Turd Burgler in Slough' and spitting on him, I quickly realised it's not true.
( dogfish, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:16, Reply)

The most useless piece of advice.
was from my Mum "Don't pick your nose, your eyes will fall out". Hmmm
(lympicita_ie, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:13, Reply)

cheer up
oh, and the other most useless tidbit which gets offered up

"cheer up! it might never happen/it's not that bad"

how the f*ck would you know?

1. chances are it's already happened which is why i'm looking miserable at the moment
2. you don't even know what's put the miserable expression on my face. for all you know i could've just been diagnosed with leukemia! cock off!
3. if i'm down it's usually for a good reason, and some cheery optimistic twunt trying to share their "everything is so great" view is the last thing that's going to make all the bad things in my little world go away. share your rays of sunshine with people in the same mood as you kthxbye.

i should emphasise that i'm not some wrist-slashing emo kiddie and i'm rarely down, but when i am don't go trying to cheer me up because it just makes me angry at you which in turn makes me feel guilty and consequently more depressed.

EDIT: Curses! ThatBlokeOverThere beat me to it! Ah well, vote for me anyway - mine's longer!
(Joey[kins], Fri 20 Oct 2006, 11:13, Reply)