Spam
I moved schools halfway through year 6 (the last year of primary school) and subsequently everybody had already made friends. It didn't help either that I came from a relatively nice school where everyone actually had at least half a brain cell into a primary school in the middle of a council estate where I was constantly asked "Why do you speak posh?" and wasn't allowed to take the level 6 SATs paper because I was the only one in the class who could actually handle it.

Anyway. Because everyone had already made their friendship groups, barriers were set etc (plus the mini chavs scared me) I got befriended by the class weirdo. Her name was Sam and she latched onto me because she had no friends of her own. She was obsessed with Britney Spears (late 90s) and considered herself "The Queen of Pop." She was bullied for being German and fat and looking uncannily like scooby-doo, and she had a weird rash on her head she swore was ecxzma. I remember one day she drew a swastika on the back of her hand and claimed it was her symbol.

Anyway. Everyone in the class went to the same secondary school so from the first day she was doomed with the same reputation. She liked to claim she could speak German better than the teachers (She couldn't) and thought she was an IT genius. She never quite shook off the nazi reputation, and for some unknown reason she liked chasing a kid called Joe on the way home shouting at him "A Jewish boy who hasn't been circumsised! I'll do it for you!" accompanied by a truly terrifying laugh. (He was weird too come to think of it)

In about year 9 she proclaimed herself as a goth and denied all past obsession with pop. Then in about year 10 she started writing poems about incest and suicide, "got pregnant" twice and came into school with massive emo cuts up her arms. She met a guy on the internet about twice her age and met up with him to have underage sex, which she then told us about in horrible detail. She was with him for three years.

Last time I saw her she had just split up with him and moved in with some guy from Birmingham she'd known for about two weeks, and she was suddenly bisexual and a complete dope-head. Everyone at college called her SPAM, which we all wished we'd thought of earlier.

Apologies for length, but she'd have loved it.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Fri 19 Jan 2007, 12:45, Reply)