Caring citizen?
As a student of politics and a true and devout believer in the virtue of the social contract I once had a wonderful opportunity to help out one of my fellow citizens.

Back when I lived on a road in East Oxford oft frequented by drunks and other midnight wanderers, I arrived home one late afternoon to find a Merc parked outside my house with the driver and rear-nearside windows wide open. This was obviously a mistake on the owners behalf as the doors had been carefully and meticulously locked.

I thought to myself "Bheroniphr, here is that moment you've been waiting for - it's not exactly a downed passenger jet but it will have to do." I wrote down the license and colour etc etc and proceeded into my house to call the filth.

-Good afternoon, Oxford Constabulary, Cowley Road station - how can I help you?

-Hi, I live on Div Road and some guy has parked his car outside my house and left his windows open. I thought it wise to inform you so you may try and let the driver know.

-Can you tell us what crime has been committed sir?

-Err, no crime, at least not yet. This chap has left his car wide open on my street, there's all kinds of stuff on his back seat and it's asking to be nabbed!

-Well, I'm afraid we can't help with that sir, no crime has been committed.

-Yes, but this is crime PREVENTION, you know like all those adverts on TV in the 80's about citizens and the Police working together to 'prevent crime'.

-Are you trying to be smart with me sir?

-What? No, of course not! I'm just saying that something should be done.

-What would you suggest we do sir?

-Well, you could trace his plate and somehow get a messge to him...

-I'm afraid we can't do that unless a crime has been committed sir.

-(Getting frustrated at this point) Look, how about I take something, like a map, out of his back seat and put it in my house. Then *tell you* I've taken it, that's theft then, isn't it. And you can call him. So some eejit doesn't come and steal his Merc and all the shiney things on his back seat.

-It's not a very wise thing to do to tell a Police Officer that you are about to commit a crime sir. We *would* have to arrest you if you did that.

-(Now very frustrated) Are you taking the fucking piss? I'm trying to do this bloke a favour and you're threatening to arrest me for it!

-DO NOT raise your voice and threaten police officers sir, that is a criminal offence. I'll be needing your address so we can send a couple of officers round to your house sir.

-(Hangs up quickly)

I PROMISE you that that conversation actually occurred. Car was gone the next day, whether via the hands of the rightful owner I can't tell you. I do hope this post inspires a copper to explain WTF that was all about or I will have to go on believing that rozzers are a bunch of cunts.

Oh, and one gave me a £30 fine for going on the pavement on my pedal bike last week. On Holloway Road. Whilst stood next to a crackhead. Go figure.



And I'll never apologise for the length. They love it!
(TheBenga Niggerrape, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 0:22, 4 replies)

Like...
trying to float upstream... unfortunatly the police have to abide by rules that certain telephone and broadbean service providers seem keen to adhere to... but they get shouty sooner.

Don't blame the muppet on the line... like shouting the messenger... fun, but tends not to have much meat.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 2:12, closed)

er...?
I know it's controversial, but I'm basically on the coppers' side here - really, what *were* they going to do? "get a message to the driver somehow" is full of holes as plans go...

Broadly speaking though, I would agree that rozzers are cunts.
(entry_level_adultette, Sun 17 Feb 2008, 2:40, closed)

Don't ride your bike on the pavement, then.
I fail to understand why all cyclists consider themselves above the law.

It's a vehicle. Would you prefer not to be allowed to ride it on the road?
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Sun 17 Feb 2008, 22:05, closed)

Round
by me it appears cyclists are not allowed to ride on the road; especially when the kids are walking to and from schools.
(kitescreech still here, Tue 19 Feb 2008, 8:16, closed)