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- a member for 19 years, 4 months and 16 days
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- has posted 3 stories and 0 replies on question of the week
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» Why I was late
The bus was late
Way back when The Benga was in high school I had what I can only describe as Victorian Dad as my form tutor. David Smith, Smithy to the best of us.
So, 3 years go by and EVERY day The Benga is late, sometimes by 3 minutes sometimes by 20 minutes but always late. Every day as I walk in I proffer the ubiquitous "Sorry Mr Smith, the bus was late". This seemed to calm the demon and so life passed happily...
However, one day upon entering the form room and providing my usual Smithy replies with
"The Benga! Come 'ere, I need a word with you"
The Benga approaches...
"I've 'eard you bin tellin' me porkie pies me lad..."
"Mr Smith?" (feigning ignorance)
"A little dickie bird tells me you don't catch the bus of a morn"
"That's right Mr Smith, I walk in"
"So what you bin doing telling me for the last 3 years that you've been late on the bus?"
"Oh no Mr Smith, I only ever told you the bus was late, I never said I was ON it"
(Cue science lab stool flying towards The Benga at high speed and winning HUGE kudos with the boys and girls)
Not sorry for length - they usually scream. And I like it.
(Sat 30th Jun 2007, 11:09, More)
The bus was late
Way back when The Benga was in high school I had what I can only describe as Victorian Dad as my form tutor. David Smith, Smithy to the best of us.
So, 3 years go by and EVERY day The Benga is late, sometimes by 3 minutes sometimes by 20 minutes but always late. Every day as I walk in I proffer the ubiquitous "Sorry Mr Smith, the bus was late". This seemed to calm the demon and so life passed happily...
However, one day upon entering the form room and providing my usual Smithy replies with
"The Benga! Come 'ere, I need a word with you"
The Benga approaches...
"I've 'eard you bin tellin' me porkie pies me lad..."
"Mr Smith?" (feigning ignorance)
"A little dickie bird tells me you don't catch the bus of a morn"
"That's right Mr Smith, I walk in"
"So what you bin doing telling me for the last 3 years that you've been late on the bus?"
"Oh no Mr Smith, I only ever told you the bus was late, I never said I was ON it"
(Cue science lab stool flying towards The Benga at high speed and winning HUGE kudos with the boys and girls)
Not sorry for length - they usually scream. And I like it.
(Sat 30th Jun 2007, 11:09, More)
» I witnessed a crime
Caring citizen?
As a student of politics and a true and devout believer in the virtue of the social contract I once had a wonderful opportunity to help out one of my fellow citizens.
Back when I lived on a road in East Oxford oft frequented by drunks and other midnight wanderers, I arrived home one late afternoon to find a Merc parked outside my house with the driver and rear-nearside windows wide open. This was obviously a mistake on the owners behalf as the doors had been carefully and meticulously locked.
I thought to myself "Bheroniphr, here is that moment you've been waiting for - it's not exactly a downed passenger jet but it will have to do." I wrote down the license and colour etc etc and proceeded into my house to call the filth.
-Good afternoon, Oxford Constabulary, Cowley Road station - how can I help you?
-Hi, I live on Div Road and some guy has parked his car outside my house and left his windows open. I thought it wise to inform you so you may try and let the driver know.
-Can you tell us what crime has been committed sir?
-Err, no crime, at least not yet. This chap has left his car wide open on my street, there's all kinds of stuff on his back seat and it's asking to be nabbed!
-Well, I'm afraid we can't help with that sir, no crime has been committed.
-Yes, but this is crime PREVENTION, you know like all those adverts on TV in the 80's about citizens and the Police working together to 'prevent crime'.
-Are you trying to be smart with me sir?
-What? No, of course not! I'm just saying that something should be done.
-What would you suggest we do sir?
-Well, you could trace his plate and somehow get a messge to him...
-I'm afraid we can't do that unless a crime has been committed sir.
-(Getting frustrated at this point) Look, how about I take something, like a map, out of his back seat and put it in my house. Then *tell you* I've taken it, that's theft then, isn't it. And you can call him. So some eejit doesn't come and steal his Merc and all the shiney things on his back seat.
-It's not a very wise thing to do to tell a Police Officer that you are about to commit a crime sir. We *would* have to arrest you if you did that.
-(Now very frustrated) Are you taking the fucking piss? I'm trying to do this bloke a favour and you're threatening to arrest me for it!
-DO NOT raise your voice and threaten police officers sir, that is a criminal offence. I'll be needing your address so we can send a couple of officers round to your house sir.
-(Hangs up quickly)
I PROMISE you that that conversation actually occurred. Car was gone the next day, whether via the hands of the rightful owner I can't tell you. I do hope this post inspires a copper to explain WTF that was all about or I will have to go on believing that rozzers are a bunch of cunts.
Oh, and one gave me a £30 fine for going on the pavement on my pedal bike last week. On Holloway Road. Whilst stood next to a crackhead. Go figure.
And I'll never apologise for the length. They love it!
(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 0:22, More)
Caring citizen?
As a student of politics and a true and devout believer in the virtue of the social contract I once had a wonderful opportunity to help out one of my fellow citizens.
Back when I lived on a road in East Oxford oft frequented by drunks and other midnight wanderers, I arrived home one late afternoon to find a Merc parked outside my house with the driver and rear-nearside windows wide open. This was obviously a mistake on the owners behalf as the doors had been carefully and meticulously locked.
I thought to myself "Bheroniphr, here is that moment you've been waiting for - it's not exactly a downed passenger jet but it will have to do." I wrote down the license and colour etc etc and proceeded into my house to call the filth.
-Good afternoon, Oxford Constabulary, Cowley Road station - how can I help you?
-Hi, I live on Div Road and some guy has parked his car outside my house and left his windows open. I thought it wise to inform you so you may try and let the driver know.
-Can you tell us what crime has been committed sir?
-Err, no crime, at least not yet. This chap has left his car wide open on my street, there's all kinds of stuff on his back seat and it's asking to be nabbed!
-Well, I'm afraid we can't help with that sir, no crime has been committed.
-Yes, but this is crime PREVENTION, you know like all those adverts on TV in the 80's about citizens and the Police working together to 'prevent crime'.
-Are you trying to be smart with me sir?
-What? No, of course not! I'm just saying that something should be done.
-What would you suggest we do sir?
-Well, you could trace his plate and somehow get a messge to him...
-I'm afraid we can't do that unless a crime has been committed sir.
-(Getting frustrated at this point) Look, how about I take something, like a map, out of his back seat and put it in my house. Then *tell you* I've taken it, that's theft then, isn't it. And you can call him. So some eejit doesn't come and steal his Merc and all the shiney things on his back seat.
-It's not a very wise thing to do to tell a Police Officer that you are about to commit a crime sir. We *would* have to arrest you if you did that.
-(Now very frustrated) Are you taking the fucking piss? I'm trying to do this bloke a favour and you're threatening to arrest me for it!
-DO NOT raise your voice and threaten police officers sir, that is a criminal offence. I'll be needing your address so we can send a couple of officers round to your house sir.
-(Hangs up quickly)
I PROMISE you that that conversation actually occurred. Car was gone the next day, whether via the hands of the rightful owner I can't tell you. I do hope this post inspires a copper to explain WTF that was all about or I will have to go on believing that rozzers are a bunch of cunts.
Oh, and one gave me a £30 fine for going on the pavement on my pedal bike last week. On Holloway Road. Whilst stood next to a crackhead. Go figure.
And I'll never apologise for the length. They love it!
(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 0:22, More)
» Going Too Far
haben Sie eine Dusche
So, there's The Benga in Frankfurt for New Year 04 with 12 friends. Much drinking and debauchery to be had - all crammed into a 36 hour period with no sleep.
Spent virtually the entire time asking random German revellers:
Entschuldigen Sie mich, haben Sie eine Dusche für meinen Juden bitte?
Many a harsh stare and we even got kicked out of a couple of bars...
HAHAHAHAHA - pissed ourselves!
(Wed 15th Nov 2006, 23:06, More)
haben Sie eine Dusche
So, there's The Benga in Frankfurt for New Year 04 with 12 friends. Much drinking and debauchery to be had - all crammed into a 36 hour period with no sleep.
Spent virtually the entire time asking random German revellers:
Entschuldigen Sie mich, haben Sie eine Dusche für meinen Juden bitte?
Many a harsh stare and we even got kicked out of a couple of bars...
HAHAHAHAHA - pissed ourselves!
(Wed 15th Nov 2006, 23:06, More)