» Scary Neighbours

99 luft balloon
Tuesday night, in my lovely new flat in Berlin, I awoke to discover my new neighbours were in fact insane, they had started singing 99 luft balloon (the original version of 99 red balloons go by) at 3am. If this were not bad enough, they then followed this with simply the best, there is no call for Tina Turner at ANY time, yet alone 3 in the morning
(Sat 27th Aug 2005, 17:51, More)

» Airport Stories

International Terrorism
My ex's best friend was visiting his fiancee who lives in America. Said friend is very tall and was wearing long black leather trenchcoat, so of course is very...erm...recognisable. Suddenly he found himself surrounded by airport security, with guns, demanding to see his passport. Cue underwear = brown! Having slowly withdrawn said passport from pocket whilst keeping hands visible at all times wishing to avoid instant death, security guards took one look at the passport said "Sorry sir, wrong guy" and left the scene leaving friend in state of "Oh my God, what was that about???" and general shock.

It's lovely to see that they encourage the terrorising of visitors to their country!
(Sun 5th Mar 2006, 20:29, More)

» Fancy Dress

Jesters
For non-British readers, Young Enterprise is a cruel system where schools force young impressional teenagers to form their own businesses. At sixth form our business sold really shit "stress relievers" which were basically balloons filled with dough that exploded all over the lower school building (much to our secret delight), the company mascot was a jester and our team kindly voted me to dress up as a jester to sell these repugnant things in our local bus station. Thus on a Saturday afternoon I was forced to wear a red mini dress with green shorts, blue tights and a jester's hat with my cheeks painted a lovely rosy red selling these wank little presents. To top it all, not only did half my school come to laugh at me, the local newspaper thought it would be wonderful to photograph me for a feature on small businesses. NOT a good day!
(Sat 14th Jan 2006, 19:36, More)

» Teenage Poetry

Santa's elf
A friend of mine was deeply besotted with a girl at our school and wrote a *beautiful* poem for her. He dragged me into the loos and asked me to read it and say whether i thought it was good. I read down and thought, well this is your usual love poem drivel, i cannot remember the exact details. But then, i got to the last couplet, and could not contain my tears:

"I love you more than santa's elf,
I love you more than life itself"

Amusingly enough, he got the girl.
(Sun 14th Aug 2005, 16:54, More)

» My first love

40 Degrees Fast Spin
I fell for my first love when I was 12 on a school trip to Whitby. He spent the weekend mocking me and dragging me around arcades.

When we returned to school I did the usual 12 year old thing of telling the school big mouth that I fancied him knowing it would get out and save me having to do the embarassing thing of talking to him. We then spent about 3 months avoiding the issue and blushing when anyone mentioned it.

He still took great pleasure in mocking me endlessly, including telling me he was going to stick my cat in the washing machine, even to the point of writing a song called 40 degrees, Fast Spin with his mate. Then one day I had particularly bad PMT and he was annoying me on the school bus so I told him to go forth and multiply. He looked up sadly and said "So you don't fancy me anymore?"

For the next 5 years we had a friendship which mostly involved him being horrid to me and me bitching at him.

In a typical teenage boy way he would turn up at my house with a bunch of his mates eat us out of house and home and we would sit and watch horror movies. My mum is really good friends with his Aunty and takes great pleasure in announcing at family gatherings that they could have been related. God, my mother is good at embarassing me.

Two years ago he came into the nightclub where I worked, and I went bright red and giggled like a school girl. So, so, shameful.
(Sat 22nd Oct 2005, 20:52, More)