» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Monster On A Boat!
I was on a cruise around the Caribbean, I went into a shop in Antigua and while I was browsing around I heard one of the 'locals' tell her unruly kid that: "If you don't behave one of the bad white men from the big boat will steal you away."

Obviously too good an opportunity to pass up, I waited until the mother wasn't looking then did my best 'monster' pose (scary face, both hands raised like claws) and went RRRAAAAA! right in his little face.

I swear that his feet actually left the ground, unfortunately he also screamed hysterically and ran out of the shop followed by his mother yelling at him to stop and then beating him all the way up the road.

Ooops!
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 3:31, More)

» Job Interviews

Team Spirit!
I attended an interview for a management position along with four other 'hopefuls'.

After getting each of us to complete a psychometric test they then gave us a 'group' exercise. We had to pretend we were in a plane crash somewhere in the middle of a desert.
We had a list of twenty items which we had to put into their order of importance. ie. Water, Flashlight, Compass, Gun, Parachute, blah blah blah.

Anyway, this one guy (you always get one) really got into the game, he said he was a survival expert, had been everywhere and done everything, so he decided he knew the right answers and wouldn't listen to anyone elses ideas.

Eventually I got so pissed off with this bloke I snapped and shouted at him: "RIGHT! I'M TAKING THE GUN AND SHOOTING YOU IN THE HEAD!" (putting two fingers to his forehead and shouting 'BANG' at the top of my voice and pushing his head slightly to get a nice 'recoil' effect.)

He looked absolutely stunned for a moment, and the interviewer sitting in the corner started laughing. This obviously upset the guy and he replied: "You can't do that."

I said to him: "Dead men don't talk." and then proceded to ignore him.
The other three interviewee's thought this was hilarious and also decided that as he was dead they couldn't hear him either.

In the end he got so upset that nobody would speak to him, he packed up and walked out!

Later, the interviewer asked me to explain myself. I told him that while teamwork was obviously important someone still has to be responsible for stearing the team in the right direction. So they only gave me the bloody job!

Sorry for Big Length and Girth etc. :)
(Tue 25th Jan 2005, 14:12, More)

» Near Death Experiences

TOO STUPID TO BE SCARED...
...yep! that's me. I was flying into Las Vegas, (with my friend and our wives) on a tiny little 16-20 seater plane.

My friend had never flown before, so naturally we ended up flying into a lightening storm, just outside of Vegas.

I'm laughing and joking about crashing as we watch the lightening zig-zag past the wings and screaming "We're all going to die!" every time the plane dropped a couple of hundred feet.

By this time my friend had a white-knuckle grip on both arm-rests and was crying like a baby.

When we landed I could hear my friend saying "Thank God, Thank God" over and over again. It was at this point that the steward said for us to take a look at the wing, which had a foot wide hole in it from where the lightening had punched straight through it.

My friend promply emptied his lunch over my shoes. There's probably a moral in there somewhere.
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(Thu 25th Nov 2004, 13:45, More)

» Office Christmas Parties

Tight Yank...
Last year our MD (American) paid for the first round of drinks at our Xmas party, costing a total of £64 and then, just before leaving, whispered to me to thank the staff for their hard word and then said that they should then buy their own drinks.

I was pretty pissed off at this, mainly because we'd had a great year and had earnt him TWO MILLION quid profit.

After he'd sneaked out I put my company credit card behind the bar and then went on to spunk up another £850 in booze.

The next day he found out and went balistic. I said that I was only following his instructions after he whispered to me "that I should buy the lads drinks for all of their hard work" - he denied this - but I said that because he had whispered to me in a very loud pub that's what I heard.

He then walked off and sulked for the rest of the day. Bloody tight-arsed Yank!
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(Fri 17th Dec 2004, 17:29, More)

» Job Interviews

Introducing The Big World Of Business...
...or, my very first interview after leaving school, which was at the building firm Taylor Woodrow.

Unfortunately I must have caught the interviewer on a very bad day.

I was nervous and a bit intimidated by the whole thing, but still feeling keen and optimistic. I was called into an office where I introduced myself, the reply to this from the interviewer was: (in a very loud voice) "WHAT IS TWENTYSEVEN TIMES FIFTEEN?"

Me - instant panic, causing me to forget practically everything except my first name - after which the interviewer proceeded to rip me apart for not being able to think quickly when presented with a problem.

After about ten minutes of continuous abuse I finally jumped up and shouted: "YOU'RE A WANKER!" before legging it out of his office and the building. Funny enough I didn't get the job.

Still, after my first interview nothing else ever seemed difficult. (but he WAS a wanker!)
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(Mon 24th Jan 2005, 14:06, More)